The Dark Knight

[brandontoh]

Hi! Nice to meet fellow poetry enthusiasts here. =) I'm hoping to get valuable criticism from this forum, so feel free to be as harsh as possible. I appreciate everyone who reads my poems, and also the comments given.

First Edit:

The Dark Knight

The elusive beast, all claws and fangs, with an
Insatiable hunger, omniscient under the moonlight.
It’s onto you, you know, when the tips of its sharp appendages
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think,
Until dawn cracks. Fall into its clutches, and be gnawed,
Swallowed whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city, all claws and fangs, with an
Insatiable hunger.

I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to sleep.
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their master,
I loathe it.

Human spirit, innately good, keeps the fight alive.
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the guardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.

Original:

The Dark Knight

The monster has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach.
An elusive beast, omnipresent under the moonlight.
It’s onto you, you know, when the very tip of its sharp appendages
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think,
Until dawn cracks. Don’t let it grab you, pull you down, and
Swallow you whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach.

I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to sleep.
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily every night, and sometimes day as well.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their master,
I loathe it.

Human spirit, innate good; keeping the fight alive.
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the guardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.

[rowens]

I'll try to come back to this again in a few hours. The only problem I've noticed so far is the "starts" in the last line. A typo, I guess.

I read your "The Box", I'll read that again soon. And leave some better comments on both.

The computer's not acting right. It keeps freezing up when I try to post replies.

I'll be back.

[tectak]

Hi! Nice to meet fellow poetry enthusiasts here. =) I'm hoping to get valuable criticism from this forum, so feel free to be as harsh as possible. I appreciate everyone who reads my poems, and also the comments given.

The Dark Knight

The monster has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach. If we are off to a metaphorical start could I suggest brevity. If a metaphor is too wordy it becomes the reality it eludes to and not the metaphor you intended. Metaphors should clarify not obscure. Also, you mix the metaphor in a single line......you may as well say claws, fangs and tells jokes.
An elusive beast, omnipresent under the moonlight. Be careful. Elusive and omnipresent are almost opposites. Is this what you meant to say? It is like saying "I watched him move invisibly....."

It’s onto you, you know, when the very tip of its sharp appendages A clumsy line, here. Not made better by mixing singular (the tip) and plural (appendages). Also, the reader can feel a trend towards misplaced vernacular...and there will be more I fear
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think, here it comes...just scram sits uneasily with the narrative..,..but I am worried that it will prove to be the narrative that is misplaced....where is this going? The metaphor is extended to breaking point. Are we going surreal? I think you need to reel in your excitement because your imagination is becoming too inward and is leaving the reader out of the piece.
Until dawn cracks. Don’t let it grab you, pull you down, and see what I mean? You didn't notice the bloody great cliche at the start of this line....you just got carried away with something...I know not what....but I suspect it is the city that never sleeps or somesuch. Fight cliche with cliche I say
Swallow you whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach. Oh bugger, I was right. This line pre-empts the ending. You could delete it until the last line to round the piece off. Just a suggestion.

I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily every night, and sometimes day as well.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their ma
I loathe it. I like what you are trying to do here but there is verbage that the street collectors have left behind. Check up on you word usage. Spawn is not reasonably used in the singular. The labrynthian and convoluted metaphors are dizzying. Relishing in the beast's mane is unclear. Relishing what? Prancing in "neon delirium" sounds better than it is......but it does not sound good as the monster has developed equine characteristics as it prances and tosses its main. The original metaphorical beast had no such attributes. That's the trouble with over-extended metaphors. I think this last cluster is probably superfluous. You are overkilling the whole piece with suffocating imagination. Better too much imagination than too little....but keep some of your bullets back.

Human spirit, innate good; keeping the fight alive.
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the uardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.

I cannot hold back on this. The last stanza is a rant.....and accordingly is out of all control. You have tossed all the soiled societal rags into a washing machine and hope that a good dose of hypochlorite will make everything all white again. The evangelical fervour in the end stanza is not dignifying because it is not fitting. There is a much voiced clamour in the piece which anyone would find difficult
to write anything new about. It is to your credit that you tried. My only advice would be to cut it down significantly.......significancy is the key word here.

Best,tectak

[Pete Ak]

I've done a line by line crit below but overall found this a poem with much potential. Although the criticism may appear fulsome it boils down to one thing - attend to the details and you have an excellent piece, in my opinion.

The monster has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach.
An elusive beast, omnipresent under the moonlight.
The opening is a bit fleshy, 'monster' and 'beast' carry v.similar implications so you could have started with "The elusive beast; all claws, fangs and rumbling stomach, is omnipresent etc..."
It’s onto you, you know, when the very tip of its sharp appendages
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think,
Until dawn cracks. Don’t let it grab you, pull you down, and
Swallow you whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city has claws, fangs, and a rumbling stomach.
As much as you've managed to involve me in the poem thus far, I'm still aware the monster/beast is the metaphorical representation of something so if you tell me 'the tip of its sharp appendages run down my spine' it'd help to know the literal equivalents - as it is you're telling Reader to be scared but not what to be scared of other than being grabbed, pulled down or swallowed, the first two of which don't feel scary and the third is dismissable as unreal (where for example, being 'chewed' has a feel that's more real.)
I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to sleep.
What does it mean to be the monster's spawn? Is this another metaphor alluding to all of us being so? (It doesn't read like that.) If you are unique I'd love and need, to know why and how it came about.
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily every night, and sometimes day as well.
"...day as well" feels like an oversight which you've added to make monster more scary. Afraid it doesn't work for me, you'd have been better off stopping after 'noisily'.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
OK so you're not unique as a spawn but what about these other spawns? I wonder are they representative of the rest of us or another specific group?
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their master,
I loathe it.
good poetic language here (works for me at least.)
Human spirit, innate good; keeping the fight alive.
Would "innate" work better as an adverb? ('innately')
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the guardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.
Some great poetic language in this section. Are you hinting at your role as Saviour here? The difficulties I have with this are: either you're writing as a deity (or similar superior being) which might have been made clear earlier, (and I suspect is very hard to do convincingly) or you're creating a metaphor I don't understand.

[rowens]

I thought that this was either about or inspired by Batman. And so that would make sense. People have already did the work of going into this poem before I was able to get back.

[brandontoh]

@tectak: Your comments are so funny, it's an art form. I'm not being sarcastic here. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for the feedback. =)
@Pete Ak: Thanks for reading my poem, and for the feedback. =)
@rowens: Yeah it's about Batman. Maybe I should have just titled it as "Batman" instead to make it more obvious?

Thanks for all the comments. =) I'll be revising the poem once I get the time to do it. =)

[rowens]

An audience of Batman fans would know who the Dark Knight is. And some others would too. But I guess many would expect more specific Batman references; though I see that you didn't want to go in that direction, you wanted the title to introduce the subject. So it would be more realistic, since we wouldn't expect Batman's intimate feelings and thoughts to be trademark references to his own comic francise.

So I like your approach here.

[brandontoh]

Well I'm hoping that Batman fans will be able to get what I'm trying to get across. This is definitely not a poem to introduce the character, but rather my personal interpretation of his 'mission'. Is it too vague though? From the feedback by tectak and Pete they definitely find it vague, but they don't seem to be Batman fans, so I'm still kind of split on this. Am going to edit it accordingly to make it flow better based on their advice for sure though.

[Pete Ak]

Hey Brandon, I'm not a Batman fan as such, and my critique was wildly off beam as a result but, I know enough of the real world to have recognised the title of a Batman film, indeed, I did before I read the poem. Call me thick but even so I didn't relate the beast you describe to Batman. Re-reading knowing what it's about doesn't redeem the poem from all of its criticisms. Take L1 for example - having read Batman comics (many years ago), seen the Adam West tv series and, the series of modern films I can't remember anything about him having claws, fangs or a rumbling stomach! If he's the spawn of this monster/beast he'd have similar features wouldn't he?
The reason I didn't get it was less to do with me not being a huge Batman fan more that whatever clues you provide in the poem, do not hint strongly enough to help me come to the realisation you're aiming for.

[tectak]

@tectak: Your comments are so funny, it's an art form. I'm not being sarcastic here. Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for the feedback. =)
@Pete Ak: Thanks for reading my poem, and for the feedback. =)
@rowens: Yeah it's about Batman. Maybe I should have just titled it as "Batman" instead to make it more obvious?

Thanks for all the comments. =) I'll be revising the poem once I get the time to do it. =)

Ahhh.....why do I not believe you? You have changed tracks This was never about Batman and you know it!
Best,
tectak

[rowens]

There are things about the poem talked about in the other comments that you should look into, as you said.

And concerning the subject matter, when I read it, I figure you mean the beast is the city, and the darkness and horrors in the hearts of its people.

[tectak]

There are things about the poem talked about in the other comments that you should look into, as you said.

And concerning the subject matter, when I read it, I figure you mean the beast is the city, and the darkness and horrors in the hearts of its people.

Yes,rowens. Methinks you are right. Look, let's start a new movement. We let the poets post their stuff and the we tell THEM what its all about.
Best,
tetak

[rowens]

Well, somebody has to know what it's about.

[brandontoh]

Actually, rowens' interpretation is quite close to what I intend it to be. Anyways, I've edited the poem. Tried to do some really radical changes, but it ended up sounding like a different poem, so I've decided to save that one for next time.

[heslopian]

First Edit:

The Dark Knight

The elusive beast, all claws and fangs, with an
Insatiable hunger, omniscient under the moonlight.
It’s onto you, you know, when the tips of its sharp appendages
Run down your spine. Escape, just scram, don’t think,
Until dawn cracks. Fall into its clutches, and be gnawed,
Swallowed whole. Be wary, be conscious, or you’ll be digested
Not knowing when, how, or why.
The city, all claws and fangs, with an
Insatiable hunger.

I’m a spawn of the monster, yearning to put it to sleep.
To quiet the dark, buried heart that
Beats noisily.
I’m a spawn of the monster, but different from the rest.
They relish in the beast’s mane, prancing
In neon delirium. They polish its weapons, I
Break them. They love their master,
I loathe it.

Human spirit, innately good, keeps the fight alive.
Beneath the vile corruption, beyond the wretched bile,
There must be compassion. Remove the pollution that
Became the accepted state of being. The fiend will die,
Alongside the plague it brought. Then comes the guardian,
Alongside the peace and smiles. And I, shall be lowered
Into the earth with the city’s darkness, waiting for the time to
Rise again, should the foul heart starts beating once more.

I don't read other comments before writing my own so I can respond to the poem as someone, say, reading it in a book without the context of this site would. Therefore, I'm a bit confused about who the narrator and "the elusive beast" are. The title of this poem makes me think you're writing as Batman, which I'm pretty sure you are, but the first verse seems to depict a bat, or bat man ("claws and fangs", "insatiable hunger", "sharp appendages"), which the narrator regards as an evil, murderous creature.
I can just make the narrative work in my head by assuming that the narrator's Batman and the evil in verse one isn't a bat but a metaphor for Gotham City, where presumably its criminals - the Joker, Scarecrow etc. - are the things with claws, fangs and sharp appendages which spend their insatiable hunger on the innocent. But I'm not even sure that interpretation is close. Some clarification within the text would really help. The last two lines clear it up, I guess, but you're still using a lot of bat-like imagery to describe something so evil.
The second verse is my favourite, because it's the most image-laden and poignant. Old chestnuts like "monster" and "buried heart" work perfectly because they're used clearly and succinctly. Also, I love the phrase "neon delirium", and the image of people "prancing" in it.
I'm not sure the third verse is even needed. It's stuffed to bursting point with ideas, like you're rushing them out, but also has some cliches ("vile corruption", "wretched bile") and a lack of images. That said, it's the verse which cemented my belief that Batman's your narrator, with the idea of him as a guardian who rises when a foul heart (another succinctly used old chestnut) starts beating. All critique is JMHO, of course, and thank you for the read