My Haiku

[brandontoh]

Hi! I'm not sure if it's alright to name a Haiku, but I did anyways. Once again, thanks for reading my poem! =)

Sleep Tight

Sky darkens, air chills
Raindrops, thunders are singing
Gaia's lullaby

[cidermaid]

Hi Brandntoh,

As far as i know it is perfectly acceptable to give a Haiku a title. (Perhaps some might consider it a minor cheat ..but it's still Ok i think).

Your title actually help the reader into the subject and does not repeat or detract, so it is fine.

For me i find that this does not really connect in a chohesive way.
The actual images you have chosen and words in themselves are sound enough, but perhaps a bit of a play with the tense and construction to consider.
In particular the L2 Thunders are singing is just gramatically unsound.
A simple change around of the line..perhaps something like:
Singing thunder, raindrop drums.

Thanks for the read

[brandontoh]

Thanks for the feedback! =O Do you mind elaborating more on what you mean by the poem not connecting in a cohesive way please?

[cidermaid]

Thanks for the feedback! =O Do you mind elaborating more on what you mean by the poem not connecting in a cohesive way please?

Hi, sorry if that was a bit vuage...Yep I was meaning that for me (personally) as i read this it left me feeling unconnected and ambivilant about the subject, despite the good imagery and aproach. (I got it and i liked it... but it didn't quite hook me in)

Hope this explains.

[billy]

hi brandon

the jury is out on naming haiku so i wouldn't worry too much. i do and don't depending on if i want to get an extra line in i say it verges more on senryu because of the non factual parts. but a nice one nonetheless.

in nature, thunder doesn't sing it makes a noise lullaby personifies the thunder. i think Gaia would be more senryu because it's part of a belive and not factual. a smile can be don use : and )

Hi! I'm not sure if it's alright to name a Haiku, but I did anyways. Once again, thanks for reading my poem! =)

Sleep Tight

Sky darkens, air chills
Raindrops, thunders are singing
Gaia's lullaby