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Ok so, just a quick run down on what I'm trying with these poems. I'm trying to think of an idea, then explain it in three lines with a 5 7 5 count. Then I try to expand it to a three stanza poem that hopefully makes some sense
. I'm having good fun with it. Here is another one.
I should add, once I extend the poem I can slightly of set the count
Edit Syllable count
Riches beyond winters reach
like flame to kindling
on summers dry sheet
Alley cats drip howling heat
as desert dogs lap
at their keepers feet
While waters crush rock
to quench their own thirsts
Apples fall, autumn applauds
Quote:Riches beyond winters reach
Are like flame to kindling
on summers dry sheet
As alley cats drip howling heat
The desert dog laps
at its keepers feet
While waters crush rock
to quench their own thirsts
An apple falls to autumn’s applause
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Do you mean alley cat, and desert dog?
Im also wondering what a summers dry sheet could be
And shouldnt it be alley cat drips howling heat, not just drip?
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What? What mistakes are you talking about? I think you need to read it again
lol
Summers dry heat is an attempt at imagery of land dried out by summer heat.
Do you mean alley cat, and desert dog?
Im also wondering what a summers dry sheet could be
And shouldnt it be alley cat drips howling heat, not just drip?
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Threads: 48
Joined: Nov 2012
Hi Jae, I think you have something good going on here and well worth working with, I love that you are playing around with the structures in poems.
If I take your notes into account then you have a bit more work to do in order to achieve your target line counts (assuming you are counting sillybubs). I've put my count for each line in brackets...I find this helps when someone does it for me as it can sometimes be the case that I read a word differently to others.
Riches beyond winters reach (7) Good solid opening stanza. Excellent image for the transience of wealth
Are like flame to kindling (6)
on summers dry sheet (5)
As alley cats drip howling heat (8) Again nice imagery. I struggled to connect to wealth stood on it's own (like a Haiku) but when fed into next stanza it works
The desert dog laps (5)
at its keepers feet (5)
While waters crush rock (5) Nice, reverse image with S2 (I read this as poverty and leanness make for want and dependancy / abundance and power make for wasteful surplice... the reader is left with the impression that neither state is good)
to quench their own thirsts (5)
An apple falls to autumn’s applause (9)
I notice that in the first stanza you have a decending count (765) it was a smooth read if you change your mind about your final count target.
My appoligies if this was a bit too much critique...but i felt your poem was strong enough and i would like to encourage you in your ideas.
This was a good read. Thanks for shareing.
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I like the inspiration you have taken from the haiku form - I think the images here are clear and they definitely pack a punch
my favourite lines would have to be:
as alley cats drip howling heat
and
an apple falls to autumn's applause
- the first for the vivid image, and the second for the effective alliteration.
The pairing of the natural images with the concept of describing the ebb and flow of money is creative, and I think you have done it well.
My only nitpick here would be that the two lines that are my favourites (funnily enough) - seem to be too long, compared to the other lines, to fit into their respective stanzas smoothly. Maybe you could have another look at the syllables as cidermaid suggested?
As a whole though, I enjoyed this piece quite a bit
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Thank you both for your time taking to reply
cedermaid: I took the Haiku as a start point, then I changed it to suit the longer piece, adding a few syllables as to make it sound less choppy.
And no it was no where near to much critique. The more the better as far as I'm concerned, nore would I like readers to feel they need to. A simple yeah that's good, or no crap, would do me
winterborn: I'm glad you liked the read
The line about cats seemed like a big disgusting image to me, and I feel that greed is disgusting so I was happy with this image.
I have put an edit up with the syllable count put right, Let me know if it works
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Hi Jae,
Likeing the edits. Much smoother and particularly like the change to the last line much sharper and better for it.
Good work
AJ
