Butterfly Bridge edit 1. spelling corrections by uncle vert
#1
Rainbow 
On path of stone, high cobbles prim,
at least the few who middle lay;
unfractured by the ironed rim,
or horse, sure hoofed, that hauled the dray.

Still scarred into the steep descent,
red rust from wheels locked tight by force,
as drivers braked to hope prevent
a bitter spill into the course.

For here a bridge was slung and firmed,
a narrow deck of plank and chains,
where geldings, calm and repute earned,
would rear and fuss and shudder manes.

With clatter, whip and stumbling gait
each shaky crossing took its due.
The draymen, scathed if ever late,
delivered always gas-flat brew.

No other route or track would make
the crossing short, or trotting fast;
and so the bridge would daily take
two drays, then four, as one year passed.

For fifty years the stones held well,
that link across the Derwent's way;
then rain, as likely, heaven fell
and rose the river high that day.

There never was such flow, they tell,
that tore in torrent from Ryehill
The tide rose up to fight the swell
and flushed the Tyne to Rowland's Gill.


Some came to look, some passers by,
they stared to watch the water rise.
The bridge, its name was Butterfly,
was wrenched and torn in crushed demise.

What saddened some would others not
for all had diff'rent views on loss;
the bridge had gone, who cares a jot?
A new way would be found to cross.

The draymen would not lose their sleep,
they had their ale on brewer's side;
A longer trip, with nothing steep,
would please the horse and heal it's hide.

The farmer's lads would wait a while
if all it took was three hours more;
the beer would froth in fine ale style
and take a tempting time to pour.

The brewery, they never lose,
proclaimed a cost increase to those
who victualled south, and they must choose,
to pay up, put up or soon close.

In Nineteen-fifty came a plan
to break the Brewer's fiscal grip.
The locals turned out to a man
and some from Felling made the trip.

From pits and quarries hauled they stone
and built a higher, lofty ridge;
where once the Butterfly had flown
like an imago new.... a bridge.

The Butterfly still stands today,
rebuilt with steel and concrete piles.
No longer does the horse and dray
cross to save those once worth miles.

A footbridge now, but folk still go
and stroll to where a meadow lies;
they watch the Derwent rush below
and net bright coloured butterflies.

tectak
December floods, 2012
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#2
on first read i feel some rhythmic issues that look easy to resolve. The one that stands out the most was the 12th stanza. the first line is half a beat short, you've got "The brewery, they never lose," might i suggest changing that to, The brewery, they would never lose. or The brewery that they never lose, that is of course if you pronounce brewery with two syllables. The last line of stanza 12 also felt a tad awkward you've got "to pay up, put up or soon close" I keep wanting to put the stress on "or" to PAY up PUT up OR soon CLOSE just sounds funny to me. maybe to pay up soon or they would close. that was all i see for now I'll keep reading and tell you what i think in more detail later.
your great,
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#3
oh and the last line in stanza 14 rhythm seems to jst be non existent, i don't know if you did that on purpose to add variety but it would make my reading much more pleasing if the same rhythm was constant.
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#4
(12-31-2012, 08:58 AM)aaron Wrote:  oh and the last line in stanza 14 rhythm seems to jst be non existent, i don't know if you did that on purpose to add variety but it would make my reading much more pleasing if the same rhythm was constant.

Hi aaron,
You are giving this a good picking over....thanks. Sometimes "rhythm" and "emphasis" seem momentarily incompatible........usually this is due to the more common definition of accent.
The line you refer to needs a long "an" so it reads "like/an im/a go/new a/ bridge."
This equates nicely to all the stanzas. For example, S1 "or /horse sure/hoofed that/hauled the/ dray".
I got well stressed by erthona on this site, some time back, for relying too insistantly on flat and conventional syllabic accent.......the best advice I got was to read the thing, out loud, as I intended it to be heard. If I had to strangle the words to keep strict rhythm then change or leave it and suffer the consequences. The advice was good because the writer shames himself into correction BUT once acceptable to the writer, having "corrected" , the reader needs to operate in the same auditorium to get the SAME effect. This is sometimes too much to askSmile
Best,
tectak
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#5
In my opinion this is a well crafted poem, it's reliance on rhyme does nothing to harm the narrative and little to hinder emotion being conveyed to me. There may be a few places where the rhythm isn't quite as flowing as others but they didn't stop me enjoying the read. If there is anything disappointing in the read it's that there is not as much drama as I was expecting when the flood happened. A lost life or lives or something significant washed away would have been the basis of a dramatic narrative but I'm guessing you prefer not to tamper with a true story? Notwithstanding this, I do see the value of the story as you've told it. Maybe the introduction of the brewery in V12 (of 16) as a pernicious entity could be earlier in the piece, creating some tension which the last five verses could be used to resolve? Just a thought!
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#6
i would agree with pete it really looks like you've slaved over this piece. Images are crisp the rhymes seem to flow naturally. i get a sense of loss, i feel something deeper than just a bridge being destroyed. however I dont think it lacks drama or even needs to be dramatic to get its point across. I really enjoyed this piece and i have learned from it. I hope to soon be writing things as well crafted as this, maybe.
thanx for the read

oh um... what do the headphones mean before the title? does that mean you have this recorded for listening somewhere?
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#7
(01-01-2013, 03:55 AM)aaron Wrote:  i would agree with pete it really looks like you've slaved over this piece. Images are crisp the rhymes seem to flow naturally. i get a sense of loss, i feel something deeper than just a bridge being destroyed. however I dont think it lacks drama or even needs to be dramatic to get its point across. I really enjoyed this piece and i have learned from it. I hope to soon be writing things as well crafted as this, maybe.
thanx for the read

oh um... what do the headphones mean before the title? does that mean you have this recorded for listening somewhere?

Ah, yes. The headphones. I have no idea who put them there or why. No doubt billy will remove them in due course.
Thanks again for your time and comments.
tectak
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