First date jitters

[Jae Mc Donnell]

I'm not a big fan of love poems, but this is for practice, so any and all comments welcome.

Edit 1
A good idea
may find itself
rotted by that fiend cliché

Should we hand a red rose
to winter’s cold veil
Will it abolish sun from its ray?

Are we set rigid
against falling hopes and hail
If this kiss should fail?

A good idea
May find itself rot
By the fiend that is cliché

Should we hand red rose
To winter’s cold veil
Will it abolish sun from ray?

Are we set rigid
Against falling leaf and hail
If this kiss should fail?

[Todd]

Hi Jae,

Love poems can be a pain to pull off. I don't like many of them either. I think you have something here though. A few comments:

I'm not a big fan of love poems, but this is for practice, so any and all comments welcome.

A good idea
May find itself rot--I think you may want to break after itself and add rot to the next line
By the fiend that is cliché--maybe simplify: by that fiend cliché

Should we hand red rose--feels choppy without the a before red. I like that you move to the cliche of it all immediately
To winter’s cold veil
Will it abolish sun from ray?--I like the phrasing and personification of these two lines

Are we set rigid
Against falling leaf and hail--last comment the end couplet feels a bit gimmicky. Maybe falling hail and leaf to mix it up a bit
If this kiss should fail?

I really like this though. There's something kind of quirky about it that appeals to me.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i like the poem a lot, a few nits though, i do think the caps on every line make the read falter. for instance; i paused to long instead of moving on to the 2nd line etc.

I'm not a big fan of love poems, but this is for practice, so any and all comments welcome.

A good idea
May find itself rot
By the fiend that is cliché

Should we hand red rose to much of a jump from hand to rose, you need to transition with 'a' or 'the'
To winter’s cold veil
Will it abolish sun from ray? again the line needs to transition 'its' would work, though this is more of a nit

Are we set rigid
Against falling leaf and hail
If this kiss should fail? really solid end, though the end rhyme feels out of character.

better than most love poems, what i liked about the poem was the fact it had an start, a middle and an end. love poems just have a shag
i think you can make it better with just a small edit. but i do like it as it stands.

thanks for the read.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Todd and Billy, thank you both for the help and the kind words. I made an edit above, I think it reads better.

Just to let you know what I was trying to do, I was trying to keep a 5 7 5 count in all three stanzas and make it readable.

As they say, first time you cook something, stick to the recipe, after that you change it as you see fit.

[Todd]

Hi Jae,

I hadn't gotten back to the edit. I like what you've done, especially the addition of hopes. I like it for content and alliteration.

[billy]

hi jae, while the edit is small it does improve the piece. that said, not enough to warrant breaking a form you're trying to get.
if you're going for 575 i'd suggest something like;

A good idea
framed by that fiend cliché
may find itself rot

should we hand red rose;
Will it abolish sun's ray
to winter’s cold veil?

Are we set rigid
against falling hopes and hail
If this kiss should fail?

which would sort out the 557 lines in the 1st 2 stanza. hope showing it this way doesn't offend.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Sorry to both Todd and Billy for the late reply. I was away for a short while
Todd thanks for the kind words

Billy wrote
which would sort out the 557 lines in the 1st 2 stanza. hope showing it this way doesn't offend.

No Billy this was fine and very welcome thank you for the help.