'I could walk with you, if you'd like'
I'm sure he would if I asked.
He'd hold me. Tell me it's fine.
He'd probably love me, if I asked.
He'd watch over me, care for me, even cry with me.
If I'd only ask.
He'd be my world, my life, me.
He'd never let me hurt, let me fall.
But he wants me to jump.
He would save me a thousand times
If I'd ask just once.
Just once.
But I won't ask.
I can't ask.
Because I don't want to let anyone down.
Let Him down.
(12-25-2012, 11:19 AM)FerRat Wrote: 'I could walk with you, if you'd like'
I'm sure he would if I asked.
He'd hold me. Tell me it's fine.
He'd probably love me, if I asked.
He'd watch over me, care for me, even cry with me.
If I'd only ask.
He'd be my world, my life, me.
He'd would never let me hurt, let me fall.
But he want's me to jump.
He would save me a thousand times
If I'd ask just once.
Just once.
But I won't ask.
I can't ask.
Because I don't want to let anyone down.
Let Him down.
Is this a religious poem? The "Him" makes me think it's obvious; but it might just be a certain special someone. But I'll assume it's a religious Him.
The "He'd would" and the "want's" can be fixed. The rest seems all right. I might can think of more to say, if I look at it again later. But it seems fine to me now. A clear and simple statement. If that's all you're going for, it works.
(12-26-2012, 06:31 AM)rowens Wrote: (12-25-2012, 11:19 AM)FerRat Wrote: 'I could walk with you, if you'd like'
I'm sure he would if I asked.
He'd hold me. Tell me it's fine.
He'd probably love me, if I asked.
He'd watch over me, care for me, even cry with me.
If I'd only ask.
He'd be my world, my life, me.
He'd would never let me hurt, let me fall.
But he want's me to jump.
He would save me a thousand times
If I'd ask just once.
Just once.
But I won't ask.
I can't ask.
Because I don't want to let anyone down.
Let Him down.
Is this a religious poem? The "Him" makes me think it's obvious; but it might just be a certain special someone. But I'll assume it's a religious Him.
The "He'd would" and the "want's" can be fixed. The rest seems all right. I might can think of more to say, if I look at it again later. But it seems fine to me now. A clear and simple statement. If that's all you're going for, it works. Yeah, it was meant to be, but I tried not to make it too obvious.. Thank you for the reply, I'll sort the mistakes out now! 
Posts: 109
Threads: 11
Joined: Jul 2012
Very inspiring poem. I like the thought of getting help or guidance if asked but not asking from fear of disappointment and to be able to do it "yourself" it has a good meaning, I liked that you did that.
This is a simple and direct poem, but I think what can help it is reworking line 5, it's long and for the most part what it has to say is already shown in the poem.
Thank you for posting this.
(12-26-2012, 09:35 AM)arbil_poieo Wrote: Very inspiring poem. I like the thought of getting help or guidance if asked but not asking from fear of disappointment and to be able to do it "yourself" it has a good meaning, I liked that you did that.
This is a simple and direct poem, but I think what can help it is reworking line 5, it's long and for the most part what it has to say is already shown in the poem.
Thank you for posting this.
Thank you so much 
Posts: 16
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2012
(12-25-2012, 11:19 AM)FerRat Wrote: 'I could walk with you, if you'd like'
I'm sure he would if I asked.
He'd hold me. Tell me it's fine.
He'd probably love me, if I asked.
He'd watch over me, care for me, even cry with me.
If I'd only ask.
He'd be my world, my life, me.
He'd never let me hurt, let me fall.
But he wants me to jump.
He would save me a thousand times
If I'd ask just once.
Just once.
But I won't ask.
I can't ask.
Because I don't want to let anyone down.
Let Him down.
It is the line "But he wants me to jump." that defines this, its the ability for some to jump and others who cannot abandon reason, common sense, logic, scientific examination of "fact", call it what you will, that divide many people.
|
