American Dream

[tectak]

I cannot help myself. You who made me what I am, should know.
You promised me that soon I’d be all right. Why did I listen to you?
The voice inside my head is my voice. My voice. My voice.
How fast do bullets go…..and how long before you are dead?
Answer me. I must know this. My voice says it will be quick. My voice.
But you are sleeping. Mom, can you hear me. Can you hear my voice
inside your head.

Inside your head you dream. I look at you and I can dream your dream.
It is dark in this room….in my head. I can only see memories. They are my memories.
I have the bullet in my hand and my memories in my head. Mine. Mine.
The bullet is warm…the warmth is comforting…I can share this with you.
You never shared with me. You never heard my voice. My voice.
Are you sleeping, mom. You stirred just then. Can you hear me now?
Hear me now.

This is still a dream. Why is the gun so heavy? I cannot hold it straight.
This is not your dream. You never dreamt that I would hold the gun. Is this my dream?
I feel the trigger move. It resists so I know that this is real. Real. Real.
If I let the trigger go…..I can pretend that you are dead…….pretend I am dead ,too.
We should not die together. You told me that you would leave, one day. Leave me.
Wake up, I want to see you leave me. I want to see you go.
You are awake.

The trigger moves alone. Along my arm, along the barrel…I can see two eyes.
The gun is listening. The voice in me is in the gun. The gun speaks for me. Three eyes.
Strange. I heard the gun. I have heard it before. It was different. Thud. Thud.
The feathers float and glide…look, look. Like snow. Our blood flows into your eyes.
I am going to leave you now. Goodbye. Yes, mom, I am going to school.
There are voices in my buddies. They never speak to me. I will make them hear.
I will never wake.


Tectak
2012

[billy]

i have to say, and i do so with a heavy heart this is not your finest hour.
i think i'd expect this type or , or should i say a poem written this way, from a novice poet or someone new to poetry. it actually feels a bit like a mockery. that's the main reason it fails for me, it's a bit like davinci doing the artwork for dilbert. though da vinci none of us are. it's lacks image and is heavy with an almost fatuous repetition of some words. i've yet to see a well done poem about specific acts of violence. i don't think they can compare to the actuality of it. war on the other hand as bloody as it gets is often told well in a poem because it's impersonal. while it's not rubbish, your narrative is very weak.
thanks for the read as always.

[tectak]

i have to say, and i do so with a heavy heart this is not your finest hour.
i think i'd expect this type or , or should i say a poem written this way, from a novice poet or someone new to poetry. it actually feels a bit like a mockery. that's the main reason it fails for me, it's a bit like davinci doing the artwork for dilbert. though da vinci none of us are. it's lacks image and is heavy with an almost fatuous repetition of some words. i've yet to see a well done poem about specific acts of violence. i don't think they can compare to the actuality of it. war on the other hand as bloody as it gets is often told well in a poem because it's impersonal. while it's not rubbish, your narrative is very weak.
thanks for the read as always.

I deserved this billy. The thing was going to be an adaptation from an earlier piece written by a cousin of mine who has found god in America. We don't communicate any more but she sent a bloody awful poem to me after the recent gun-fest tragedy over the pond. I sent this one back and MADE A VAIN MISTAKE following a positively eulogistical response.....but they are Americans and don't read much. Except the bible.
I guessed that the mommy/mom bit would give me grief. I am not saving this one but if shaudenfreud is good enough for me it should be good enough for you. I'm just glad nobody else wrote it
If the vomitting has left you weak I might pin another one up tomorrow....... something on drowning kittens, maybe .
Thanks for your honesty you bastard
Best,
tectak

[billy]

i thought of saying, "you can do better than this" but the thought of receiving a similar poem a day through my email for the next year dissuaded me in truth there is a poem in there. it just needs to be stripped down to the bare bones and fleshed out with some images.

thanks for taking my feedback the way you did.

[Keith]

A big departure from The Tear I would say keep OFF the scotch.

[Pete Ak]

I'm impressed... by the dignity of your response to a blunt yet honest critique! It's a brave thing to write a poem like this when the wounds are still raw. They have to be faultless to work which is a bit of a problem for me so I'm never likely to write one. It seems presumptuous to speculate on the presence of hallucinatory voices, even tho it's actually quite well done. One image jolted me - "three eyes" (one representing a bullet hole) yet it's followed by the mention of two thuds suggesting two shots, of course one may have missed but it feels an unnecessary inconsistency!
I'm certain there is a more terse, poem in there somewhere.

[tectak]

A big departure from The Tear I would say keep OFF the scotch.

Aw, shucks. Them Americans loved it so it must be good

This one is consigned to the bin. Sorry all, it was written before my tipple!

---

I'm impressed... by the dignity of your response to a blunt yet honest critique! It's a brave thing to write a poem like this when the wounds are still raw. They have to be faultless to work which is a bit of a problem for me so I'm never likely to write one. It seems presumptuous to speculate on the presence of hallucinatory voices, even tho it's actually quite well done. One image jolted me - "three eyes" (one representing a bullet hole) yet it's followed by the mention of two thuds suggesting two shots, of course one may have missed but it feels an unnecessary inconsistency!
I'm certain there is a more terse, poem in there somewhere.

Thanks for comforting me! See my reply to billy. I got the two shots from my American informant who said that one shot missed. All heresay and must not be assumed to.be connected to any event or persons alive or dead.
I would not be normally ( or subsequently!) be tempted into this genre. a) because I cannot do it and b) because no one else can.
I am not saving this piece but would not ask Billy to withdraw it as humility is best when remembered. Hmmmm. I just made that up ......but I like it. Must go....I feel a masterpiece coming on.
Thanks for reading...you will feel better soon. Drink plenty of water.
Best,
tectak