Hate

[Arriedo]

historically the common denominator in war is hate
sealed the fate for those not wanting to relate
the lack of communication, two people two races
so this war is what we've come to one line million faces
religion preaches peace and love but poster boy for war
where did u learn to hate? at the church pews before
you were old enough to think alone your mind has been polluted
priests,preachers, and popes are the generals thats recruited
you fight for christ? for buddha? im the anti religion
and i HATE the cloth i laugh as i read and listen
paying attention to this guy as he tells and hurts
because ill embrace my hate and it is the church

[benthejack]

Fantastic start, although this could use a little editing as it doesn't seem as tight as "depression", although being is in a similar vein. I think it is probably the lack of solid imagery, and a few of the lines start to break up and not flow so nicely ("so this war is what we've come to one line million faces" and "and i HATE the cloth i laugh as i read and listen") maybe a few well placed commas would help.

Cheers for the read,
Ben

[Todd]

Hi Arriedo,

I absolutely love your first line. It is awesome. There is a large part of me that wanted you to continue in that tone and keep building. The double rhyme on the next line was honestly a bit of a let down from how good the first line was. I don't hate rhyming, and I don't really think you did anything bad with it. It just diminished a lot of expectations I had for the poem.

Obviously, I'm just one reader, and it could be my read. I think you've got some strong content here, and while I know that this may be jarring to some I chose to look at the poem without the rhyme to see what that might look like (presented below). This cut is not intended to say that there is nothing of value on the lines omitted just a way of seeing it differently hopefully to give you some new thoughts.

historically the common denominator in war is hate
the lack of communication, two people two races
religion preaches peace and love but poster boy for war--I think "is a" instead of but
you were old enough to think alone your mind has been polluted
you fight for christ? for buddha? im the anti religion--one question here does anyone fight for buddha....allah maybe...I'd stick with the dominant monotheists on this one (islam, christianity)
because ill embrace my hate and it is the church

I'm not sure that exercise will do much, but there you go. Enjoyed the read, and again especially the first line. What I'd be most interested in seeing is if you could keep the matter of fact tone of that line and pull it through the poem.

Just thoughts,

Todd

[billy]

i too like the first line and the poem as a whole but i'd like to see you use better enjambment. either that or add some more grammar. L5 threw me a curve ball as the syntax feels out of wack. i think the craft in the poem tails off near the latter half into a weaker rant but a good effort nonetheless

historically the common denominator in war is hate
sealed the fate for those not wanting to relate
the lack of communication, two people two races
so this war is what we've come to one line million faces
religion preaches peace and love but poster boy for war
where did u learn to hate? at the church pews before
you were old enough to think alone your mind has been polluted
priests,preachers, and popes are the generals thats recruited
you fight for christ? for buddha? im the anti religion
and i HATE the cloth i laugh as i read and listen
paying attention to this guy as he tells and hurts
because ill embrace my hate and it is the church

[Arriedo]

I appreciate the comments i guess i need to find a editor for my grammar is horrible as seen ;D

[billy]

bad grammar's a cross i bear as well

[Arriedo]

see im not the only one!

[billy]

i found that word help a little, i also read it it out loud and if i pause, i know there has to be a bit of grammar used.
i have gotten better with the feedback i'v had over the years, but still cock up on many occasions.

[Card]

I on the other hand, love grammar. 'Course, that's not to say I'll always get it right.

But... here, I just did some capitalization and commas and stuff. I just have trouble reading stuff when it doesn't have capitalization and punctuation. I know, I know, that's a big problem to have and I should learn to cope.
Until I do (if I do) I'll probably edit posts, but I probably won't post them, lest I become obnoxious. You don't mind me doing so here, do you?

Historically the common denominator in war is hate,
Sealed the fate for those not wanting to relate,
The lack of communication, two people two races,
So this war is what we've come to, one line million faces,
Religion preaches peace and love; but is a poster boy for war,
Where did you learn to hate? At the church pews: before
You were old enough to think alone your mind has been polluted
Priests, preachers, and popes are the generals that's recruited
You fight for Christ? For Buddha? I'm the anti-religion,
And I HATE the cloth; I laugh as I read and listen,
Paying attention to this guy as he tells and hurts,
Because I'll embrace my hate, and it is the church

Anyways, now that I've been a bit annoying, I'll do what I'm supposed to do here.

I like what you've written here. It's often true, unfortunately, and I think it flows pretty well. I'm not entirely sure what you mean about "one line million faces," is that a misspelling of something or a misplaced word?
Also, I think that maybe instead of "poster boy" you might want to say "poster child." I've never heard the phrase "poster boy" before.

Hope I helped, really sorry if I haven't! I've edited my father's poems before, but it's mainly for diction or out-of-place words.

[Arriedo]

i definitely appreciate the grammar help. I will be talking to you more in depth ;D and i appreciate it.