This is the Year (revision)

[Todd]

Revision 2

of a body that feels wrong
a mother who is all appetite
of a brittle hardness

of drunken dinner slurs
baseball bats and broken
kitchen tiles, blood
streaked faces

a butcher knife poised
two inches
from taking
an eye

of twisted feet
of mocking
retarded yelps
a fearful knowing

bodies reduced
to just meat
irrevocable
a switch

clicks

submerged
in an icy pond
from which there is no


resurfacing

~~~

Edit: Tried on some of BB's comments and still thinking about arka's

Revision

of a body that feels wrong,
a mother who is all appetite,
of a brittle hardness.

of drunken dinner slurs,
baseball bats and broken
kitchen tiles, blood-
streaked faces,

a butcher knife poised
two inches
from taking
an eye.

of twisted feet,
mocking
retarded yelps
a fearful knowing

bodies reduced to meat
irrevocable
a switch

clicks.

submerged
in an icy pond
from which there is no


resurfacing.

~~~

Edit: Billy's comments helped me clarify some things.

Original

This is the year


of a body that feels wrong,

a mother who is all appetite,

of a brittle hardness,

New dad,

baseball bat,

broken kitchen tiles,

blood-streaked faces,

New sister's chores,
her butcher knife
two inches from taking
my eye.

Gnarled hands,
twisted feet,
mocking 

retarded yelps

thoughts of murder,
a fearful knowing
irrevocable
a switch clicks.

submerged

in an icy pond

from which there is no


resurfacing.

[billy]

This is the year


of a body that feels wrong,

a mother who is all appetite,

of a brittle hardness, not sure about the 1st line being strong enough but this stanza certainly is,

New dad,
 like you didn't use new mom in the previous, i'd have gone the same rout here.
baseball bat,

broken kitchen tiles,

blood-streaked faces, the anger is well showed but the new dad feels to weaken it's harshness a little too much. why are you using caps after a comma, why not just use a period to end the stanza?

New sister's chores,
her butcher knife
two inches from taking feels too talky
my eye.

Gnarled hands, i've heard this phrase quite a bit, gnarled hands, gnarled skin
twisted feet,
mocking 

retarded yelps the last 3 lines are really strong, they carry in their shortness a baseness of apocalyptic proportion.

thoughts of murder,
a fearful knowing
irrevocable
a switch clicks. a decent descriptive of pressing the button though thoughts of murder feels too trite.

submerged

in an icy pond

from which there is no pure nuke subs this stanza and the next line is a keeper


resurfacing.

i enjoyed the read but felt in places it wasn't as strong as it should be. specially, the thoughts of murder line. and new dad line. the end was excellent icy pond being a metaphor for a cold war scenario between two opposing sides. pond being a sea that separates.
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Cool Billy appreciate the comments quite a bit. This was sort of something I'd written a number of years ago and hated too much to post. I did an edit last night and decided to put it up. I'll make some changes to it immediately.

Thanks again,

Todd

[billy]

feels a lot tighter the 2nd and 3rd stanza. i like the clicks line on its own it creates an image of a Geiger counter. what i like about in general is the overall image of shit hitting the fan. the clicks line and the last stanza ties it all together.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy

[arka]

Revision

of a body that feels wrong,
a mother who is all appetite,
of a brittle hardness.

of drunken dinner slurs,
baseball bats and broken
kitchen tiles, blood-
streaked faces,

a butcher knife poised
two inches
from taking
an eye.

of twisted feet,
mocking
retarded yelps
a fearful knowing

bodies reduced to meat
irrevocable
a switch

clicks.

submerged
in an icy pond
from which there is no


resurfacing.

~~~

Edit: Billy's comments helped me clarify some things.

excellent edit todd. shifting that first line to the title and letting those prepositional phrases take over. of a brittle hardness is cool. submerged sticks out like a sore participle or whatsit. maybe it can be done away with altogether or better replaced with something a bit more surprising. very much enjoyed the poem and the way the edit crystallized.

arka

[Todd]

Hi arka,

Hey thanks for the comments. I appreciate the read. I'll give submerged some thought. It's nice to see you over here. I hope TCP is going well.

Best,

Todd

[Brom Bones]

Hi Todd,

I like the rhythm of the "of" in the first two strophes, but it goes away. A thought on adding it? You might consider one before "mocking." Another thought is with regards to the "a fearful knowing/ bodies reduced to meat": as bodies are meat, is it recognition of that? The implication feels as if it's looking around a corner, acknowledging, but not tapping into the full why of what that horror means to the narrator. It seems important as it connects up with your first line (maybe?)
The revision is quite cleaner... maybe try it without any punctuation. Take a look, try it on.
Nice to read you.

[Todd]

Hi B,

Nice to see you over here. Thanks for the read. I'll give what you say some thought. You always have a good eye for this stuff.

Thanks

---

I hesitate to add this word maybe I mean to say "just" meat.

---

Hmmm not sure what I might do with Arka's submerged comment yet. That might take some more thought to play with ideas and see what might be better. The lines might actually work without punctuation. Hmmm again...

---

The only option I can think of at the moment for Arka's point (as a possible change is this):


beneath an icy pond
from which there is no

Still thinking about that.