So, yea...

[Pigler]

Hey guys.

So, there are a lot of protests in my country (Slovenia) because the politicians are really awful yet they literally PRETEND to not know what they are about. So, I wrote a lil' something something just now because I felt inspired.



United

They're mistaken for simple minded sheep
through force compelled
but now the ignorant shall weep
as a thousand sheep to one wolf rebelled

Signs held up and torches burning in the flames
as they stand proud and tall
tired of the brutal games
now seen as anything but small

So they break the boundaries of sane
they crush the hollow figure
sticking out in snow, cold and rain
a spark finally given by the trigger

Succeed or fail, it matters not
the principle is supposed to stand
it is clear none ever will allot
as long as the reason they understand

[benthejack]

Hi Pigler,
good poem, and clearly on an important topic. I particularly like the third stanza

My main critique would be the timing feels a little choppy in a few places. this could probably be remedied by removing a few of the connecting words (an example might be: "Signs held up, torches burning flames")

I also can't make sense of the line "it is clear none ever will allot"

Cheers for the poem,
Ben

[Pigler]

Hi Pigler,
good poem, and clearly on an important topic. I particularly like the third stanza

My main critique would be the timing feels a little choppy in a few places. this could probably be remedied by removing a few of the connecting words (an example might be: "Signs held up, torches burning flames")

I also can't make sense of the line "it is clear none ever will allot"

Cheers for the poem,
Ben

Hey

I agree on the timing. ''it is clear none ever will allot'' is supposed to represent the fact that no politician or leader will ever give out all or a lot of his wealth to those who truly need it, or give up his massive salary so others can survive the month a little easier

[billy]

hi pigler.

always try a use a title. often it's a front or side door into or about the poem. usually it allows a reader a clue as to the poems intent. for instance; you leave a note telling us what the poem is about when you could have titled it;

Slovenians rise up
at present the poem could be about any oppressed people or conflict
with things like signs held up, try and create something more in the read. use alliteration or consonance. signs held high. make use of similar sounds. words like but, so, or now, or as are seldom needed to begin a sentence except when filling meter and even then it should add to the poem there are exceptions when you have to use such words to allow for something to be understood. the end rhymes are okay. and you have some good lines to work with in an edit

thanks for the read.

[Pigler]

Thanks

Will update it.

[Leanne]

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