Koto-in’s Forests

[pound526]

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood,
A path made of ageless Taoist stones
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls

Possessing the Eden you once possessed,
The one you lost in the park that day
When your namesake surfaced in the void.

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light,
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

It comes into the world, that yes, once again
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!

[Todd]

Hello pound,

I like this very much. There are some repetitions that I think the poem could live without. I'll show you what I'm thinking and let you decide where you want to go with that. I hope it's helpful.

I think what sets this poem apart for me is the beautiful imagery. Here are some line comments:

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood,--I love yellow wood here. It sets a pleasant autumn sense to it all, and maybe the idea that we color things in our mind
A path made of ageless Taoist stones--my only nit here is I'd cut "a path" and just let there be a sweeping sense to the image. It feels too halting for me with the repetition.
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent--like the image and that you chose to mark the ascent rather than any other aspect of the leap
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk--great word choice in aureole to go with mystical in the previous line
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls--this is really nice. It works very nicely with the idea of God being a rich man and those in "Eden" being like children. It grounds the imagery with something very practical. It gives a sense of loss and ostracism. I'm not sure the Of the lead in reads correctly... I seem to want something like an "Or by..."

Possessing the Eden you once possessed,--a fall of station. I like the focus on the person
The one you lost in the park that day--consider replacing the one with that
When your namesake surfaced in the void.--not sure what to make of this content. It doesn't seem positive. There's a sense of the fall and original sin. The "you" forever changed. The void seems to be something alien and wrong to give birth to the namesake. One is in the natural world the namesake is not. I'm thinking out loud as I process this and realize that I may be missing this completely

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light,--beautiful phrasing. I would consider cutting A path.
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds--a few minor cut suggestions: consider cutting "A" and "path". With those cuts I think it would really pop to the reader

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

--This could just be me but this seems to be an epiphany moment. I think shorter lines. I took some liberties for your consideration:

To a peak experience of union
With oneself. The tension
Of salvation abates
With sudden awareness that yes
once again.

Just a thought. I loved the tension of salvation especially.

It comes into the world, that yes, once again--I would consider cutting the repetition (everything after world)
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!--solid ending

Meditative piece with solid imagery. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[pound526]

Hello pound,

I like this very much. There are some repetitions that I think the poem could live without. I'll show you what I'm thinking and let you decide where you want to go with that. I hope it's helpful.

I think what sets this poem apart for me is the beautiful imagery. Here are some line comments:

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood,--I love yellow wood here. It sets a pleasant autumn sense to it all, and maybe the idea that we color things in our mind
A path made of ageless Taoist stones--my only nit here is I'd cut "a path" and just let there be a sweeping sense to the image. It feels too halting for me with the repetition.
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent--like the image and that you chose to mark the ascent rather than any other aspect of the leap
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk--great word choice in aureole to go with mystical in the previous line
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls--this is really nice. It works very nicely with the idea of God being a rich man and those in "Eden" being like children. It grounds the imagery with something very practical. It gives a sense of loss and ostracism. I'm not sure the Of the lead in reads correctly... I seem to want something like an "Or by..."

Possessing the Eden you once possessed,--a fall of station. I like the focus on the person
The one you lost in the park that day--consider replacing the one with that
When your namesake surfaced in the void.--not sure what to make of this content. It doesn't seem positive. There's a sense of the fall and original sin. The "you" forever changed. The void seems to be something alien and wrong to give birth to the namesake. One is in the natural world the namesake is not. I'm thinking out loud as I process this and realize that I may be missing this completely

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light,--beautiful phrasing. I would consider cutting A path.
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds--a few minor cut suggestions: consider cutting "A" and "path". With those cuts I think it would really pop to the reader

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

--This could just be me but this seems to be an epiphany moment. I think shorter lines. I took some liberties for your consideration:

To a peak experience of union
With oneself. The tension
Of salvation abates
With sudden awareness that yes
once again.

Just a thought. I loved the tension of salvation especially.

It comes into the world, that yes, once again--I would consider cutting the repetition (everything after world)
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!--solid ending

Meditative piece with solid imagery. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for reading and sharing Todd! I have a question: i am still a little hesitant to criticize other people's work in anything other than broad strokes cause i don't believe, until i am qualified. It's a skill, and even more, people's feelings are at stake.. Once again, very much appreciate your words


again, thanks for sharing.

[Todd]

Hi Pound, I understand. We all start somewhere with critique. Even if it is new to you, it's worth stepping out and risking it. You are still a reader and any feedback even if the author disagrees with your conclusions will be helpful to them. I think as long as your goal is to help the author improve the poem than you're on solid ground. Yes, people's feelings can get hurt, but sometimes that has little to do with your comments and more on how invested the writer is in the content. Again, for me it's all around intent. If the focus is the poem than the comments are inbound even if they aren't complimentary. It's all about pushing one another to produce the best work we can. Over time most writers don't take it as personally and mostly filter the critique. They agree, disagree, think about it, and ultimately write the poem they want to write--at least I do. I'm personally thankful for anyone that takes the time to read and comment even if they hate the work.

The only way you get better is to do, but move at a pace you're comfortable with. I appreciate the feedback you've given so far, and would encourage you to continue to stretch yourself.

[benthejack]

Hi Pound,
This is a beautiful poem, for me the line "A path made of ageless Taoist stones" set my understanding of the rest of the poem.
In disagreement with Todd (sorry Todd ) I particularly like "When your namesake surfaced in the void." its a great line that punctuated a change in my understanding of the poem (I personally read this from A Buddhist perspective where void, or emptiness is seen as the source of all phenomena, as a free entity).
The understanding I personally got from this line is that the third stanza signifies a renunciation, rather than a forceful loss.

I personally think that the 5th stanza comes on a little wordy, it might be helpful to at least look at Todd's interpretation (which broke down the heavy lines a little).



To make a comment on critique,
I would strongly encourage you to learn to both give and receive (take on board) pointed and broad critique. As a lecturer and tutor in design I have noticed over the last few years that the people who don't give or take critique progress slowly (or not at all). Those who take critique onboard improve quickly. Those who take critique well and are willing to give it out are invariably the stand out students who very quickly end up doing the best work.

learning to critique an art is an essential part of learning an art.
Why/How?
With good Critique there are two distinct stages:

Looking at the work carefully with an eye for skilled moments:
-This helps us find other's strengths, and it shows us where we can improve our own practise.
-with this carefully tuned eye for a work's strong points we find many features that we can incorporate into our own work.
-We improve our understanding of the field as a whole.

Looking at the work carefully with an eye for things that could be improved:
-This helps us develop a discriminating muscle that enables us to better hold our own work at arms length.
-We find subtle pitfalls that we might otherwise have not seen, and thus fallen into ourselves.
-we become more discerning regarding our own pieces.
-We improve our understanding of the field as a whole.


If you learn to do this for others work you will see more clearly where your own work is good and where it can be improved. Sharpening your critique's eye will have a profound impact on your own process.

and lastly to reiterate Todd's comment, it is all about the intent. If you show a work to get some empty praise you'll always be disappointed (praise doesn't help us improve in the slightest anyway, it just makes us develop pride. Pride stifles improvement). If you show a work without attachment to the outcome of others viewing, you'll get many benefits as you take on board their comments and understanding.

Oh wait.. one more thing, feelings are at stake only as much as the author is personally invested. You won't break a person by kindly pointing out where they might improve their work. (and if you do it's definitely not a fault of yours)

[billy]

Thanks for reading and sharing Todd! I have a question: i am still a little hesitant to criticize other people's work in anything other than broad strokes cause i don't believe, until i am qualified. It's a skill, and even more, people's feelings are at stake.. Once again, very much appreciate your words


again, thanks for sharing.

everything that todd said, just do what you can regards feedback but be honest and give reasons why. people in general should be able to take feedback if they post poetry in the feedback forums. if they can't they can post in the for fun forum and the other forums we have. we don't grade feedback unless it's just the brown nosing kind.

---

A “single path” in a mind’s yellow wood, good opening line. the path having two meanings.
A path made of ageless Taoist stones is 'a path' needed?
That cut a swath to the sea.

Marked by a dolphin’s mystical ascent we are all dolphinated great line.
Or an aureole’s fire in the tropical dusk not sure it needs 's fire'
Of the sounds of kids behind a rich man’s walls nice foil to the mystic side of the poem

Possessing the Eden you once possessed, is 'once' needed?
The one you lost in the park that day
When your namesake surfaced in the void. i think void is trying too hard to work without some kind of reference.

A “single path” in a wood that never ends---
A path where the worlds disseminate light, are the bold words needed?
A strikingly lonely path through the clouds excellent stanza again i like how you use a foil, in this case clouds for light

To a peak experience of union with oneself
Where the tension of salvation suddenly abates,
The sudden awareness that yes, once again

It comes into the world, that yes, once again not sure these last two lines are needed?
In Koto-in’s bamboo forests, it has come!

mainly small nits as suggestions.
a great feel of mind and nature the 3rd stanza makes it a little too earthly I know it's a real place) but it still works in that it shows meditation can be lost.

thanks for the read