Blobfish

[kamirakara]

Edited version:
Near the surface I see dolphins grinning
Playing, swimming, jumping, spinning
They are beautiful, successful, full of joy
Winning over hearts easily and never coy

And then there is me, pretty as a blobfish can be
Mouth open, lurking in the deep, dark sea
Resigned, but wishing I for once could see
A smiling face when somebody looked at me

Original:
Near the surface I see dolphins grinning
Playing, swimming, jumping, spinning
They are beautiful, successful, full of joy
Winning over hearts easily and never coy

And then there is me, pretty as a blobfish can be
Mouth open, lurking in the deep, dark sea
I am content, but I wish I for once could see
A smiling face when somebody looked at me

(Poem for my growing collection Metazoa)

[Keith]

Near the surface I see dolphins grinning
Playing, swimming, jumping, spinning
They are beautiful, successful, full of joy
Winning over hearts easily and never coy

And then there is me, pretty as a blobfish can be
Mouth open, lurking in the deep, dark sea
I am content, but I wish I for once could see
A smiling face when somebody looked at me

A good opening line and I like the balance of the two stanza's, Happy, Sad...... feel beauty, feel ugly..... top ocean,bottom ocean. Nice short piece. Thanks TOMH

[arbil_poieo]

I like the compare and contrast between the two. I also like how you defined dolphins as successful, I never thought of them that way before but it's true. I just think it needs a little something extra, like the dolphin looks happy from the blobfish's point of view, but is it really? This is sort of a the grass is greener on the other side, but eventually we learn it isn't always necessarily true.

[Todd]

Near the surface I see dolphins grinning
Playing, swimming, jumping, spinning
They are beautiful, successful, full of joy
Winning over hearts easily and never coy

And then there is me, pretty as a blobfish can be
Mouth open, lurking in the deep, dark sea
I am content, but I wish I for once could see
A smiling face when somebody looked at me

I like this which is to say that I don't like it. Huh? I like what you've done, but the content makes me sad. I think most people can relate with this. I think what you've done with grinning through the end of line 2 captures the frenetic joy we associate with dolphins. The one line that gives me issues is line seven the two I's feel a bit off and might be there only to accommodate your syllable count. I also don't buy the speaker's I am content. I am resigned possibly, content: no. Otherwise we wouldn't have the final line. The best part of the poem for me though is the phrase near the surface in line one and the blobfish being in the deep. It's like crying out and saying look a little deeper. It's a subtle thing, and I quite like it.

Best,

Todd

[kamirakara]

Thank you so much for your feedback, and Todd, I agree with you on the last part. Resigned is a very good, fitting word. I tried changing it to: "Resigned, but wishing I for once could see" and I think I like that version better than the first ^^