The serpents sleep

[Keith]

1st Edit
My snake belly, waiting to be filled
He lies inside bound by quilts, twisted by the day
begging for sleep, mental torment, his eyes role shut,
but pain keeps them from slumber.

She moves cups in the kitchen
I can hear the clatter, precious water,
drip on the drainer. He has no voice.

I lie outside waiting to loose my tongue,
from linen to mortar to blade of grass his mind calls,
she hasn’t heard, his words locked inside, then hear me,
let me, fulfil my simple task, as tap tube and water.

His serenity, recurring thought, stroked by heat,
these days hurt her more, yet strong the disguise,
an idea starts to grow, one sentence softly spoke
days ago, when his whispers could be heard,
never august rain.

She wants to help, take his pain, her eyes drip again,
but today is different
understanding quickens her pace,
no time to waste, if she is right riddles solved
could it be, could it be?

my belly fills to bursts a vipers kiss
ha ha, I answer his call,
pounding on windows
belting down gutters
rhythm of first drops
rain dance on roof tops.
I carry the drums of droplets
tranquillity tapping on tiles
sleep streams through his body
smiling as he hears our placebo

slowly he sleeps,
we cry our tears in the garden
her clothes soaked we stand together
the rain and the maker.



Original
my snake belly, waiting to be filled
He lies inside bound by quilts, twisted by the day
begging for sleep, mental torment, his eyes role shut,
but pain keeps his eyes from slumber.

She moves cups in the kitchen
I can hear the clatter, precious salt water,
drip on the drainer.

I lie outside waiting to loose my tongue,
from linen to mortar to blade of grass I hear his call
she hasn’t heard, his words locked inside, hear me,
let me, fulfill my simple task, as tap, tube and water

his serenity his recurring thought, stroked by heat
he needs August rain to drain the pain
she plays the loop with each shelved item
an idea starts to grow on sentence wispered
long ago when wisperes could be heard

She wants to help, she wants his pain, her eyes drip again,
but today is different
understanding quickens her pace,
no time wasted, if she is right riddles solved
could it be, could it be?

my belly fills to bursts a vipers kiss
I answer his call,
pounding on windows
belting down gutters
rhythm of first drops
rain dance on roof tops.
I carry the drums of damp air
tranquillity tapping on tiles
sleep streams through his body
Smiling as he hears our placebo

we cry our tears in the garden
her clothes soaked we stand together
the rain and the maker.

[arbil_poieo]

This took me a few reads. This is higher than the level I'm at with my poetry, so forgive me if I sound like an idiot.

Even with a few reads I'm still having trouble figuring out what this poem means, but I'm going to take a stab at it anyway. I'm getting the impression it's about the serpant and the woman are both waiting for rain after a drought. I feel like I'm missing something obvious with this.

The first stanza: I have mixed feelings. I like how you're unfolding the scene with words like "he lies inside bound by quilts", but I don't think "begging for sleep" is really needed, it can already be assumed with the line above it with "twisted by the day." All in all the first stanza creates a clear image of something troubling with good detail.

The second stanza: A shift of focus to a woman in the kitchen and to the dripping of water, I like how you worded this. You panning to a different scene in my opinion keeps the attention of the reader because it's so sudden and it seems like a movie going from one area to another.

The third stanza: Here is where my confusion begins. I like the 2nd line in this stanza because it seems like an echo from one thing to another.

The fourth stanza: This is where I got the impression of a drought, but the line "she plays the loop with each shelved item" sounds brilliant when I say it out loud to myself but I have no idea what it means.

The fifth stanza: I like "could it be, could it be" it sounds excited and hopeful. To be honest I like the whole stanza because it feels like they're expecting the rain other just hasn't come yet. The stanza starts with frustration then ending with hope. I like the build up.

The sixth stanza: I like this stanza with the image of "I carry the drums of damp air" nice touch. Is "vipers kiss" suppose to be viper's kiss? I really like the images here. My one nit is the last line of this stanza "sleep streams through his body" you have such amazing images and this just seems kinda weak in comparison.

The seventh stanza: I love this! It feels good when saying it out loud and it's just a strong ending, I'm just confused on who the maker suppose to be, is it the serpent?

Overall, I really like this poem. I probably wasn't helpful to you at all, it was just mainly my interpretation, but I enjoyed reading this and even though I don't understand parts of it I appreciate it for what is. It held my attention and the imagery was just fascinating.

[billy]

i've read this one a few times and i'm having a time seeing something i can comment on in understanding. then i had a eureka moment...i think....one of the serpents is a hose pipe. the other is the man asleep.

Half hidden by uncut grass would lawn be better because of the repetition?
my snake belly, waiting to be filled
He lies inside bound by quilts, twisted by the day
begging sleep, steeped in need, his eyes role shut,
only pretence. i'm seeing him as a lazy bastard.

She moves cups in the kitchen
I can hear the clatter of precious water, does water clatter?
drip on the drainer

I lie outside waiting to loose my tongue,
from linen to mortar to blade of grass I hear the call
she hasn’t heard

his serenity his recurring thought, stroked by heat
never August rain, only spoken once
she plays the loop with each shelved item. i'm struggling a little with this stanza?

Frustration drips again,
but today is different
understanding quickens her pace,
no time wasted, if she is right riddles solved if she is right riddles solved (another struggle)
could it be, could it be?

my belly fills to bursts a vipers kiss
I answer his call,
pounding on windows
belting down gutters
rhythm of first drops
rain dance on roof tops.
I carry the drums of damp air
tranquillity tapping on tiles
sleep streams through his body

we cry our tears in the garden
her clothes soaked we stand together
the rain and the maker. i love this last stanza, it can be read a few ways and so has a good kind of ambiguity.

some good stuff but i did have a couple of problems understanding. the last stanza was excellent. i also felt the penultimate stanza was solid.
thanks for the read.

[Keith]

Thanks Billy and a_p for taking the time to comment, this is a idea that been bobing around in my head but i've struggled to make it work and your comments have helped a great deal, so now I need to have a re-do because with this one I want the reader to understand my tale. Thanks for the help TOMH

PS heres the authors note I dont like doing, the serpent is a hose pipe, the man is in his death bed, cant sleep and his wife crys, just wants to help but he cant speak and shes struggling to make sence of someting he did managed to say, then she works it out, helps him sleep but hes still dying. I know..... it needs some work