Salute Me (language warning)

[Arriedo]

I was born in the tar pits..forged by the hardships
raised in the fields of hell.. my soul was the target
can you imagine living a life surrounded by darkness?



fighting to stay alive so i don't waste away
at an early age i learned to embrace the rage
rape the day
ripped pen through flesh is the only way I'll raze the page
duck behind the buildings when i heard the semi spray



But above all...my lessons consisted of tactics
meditated on classics...became a man from getting my ass kicked
Attained the rank of general by ripping it from these bastards

[Leanne]

I did a bit of an in-depth critique then looked at where you'd placed this... so since it's for fun I'll just say that it feels like the start of something bigger and I'd love to see it developed further.

[billy]

i like it, no crit

rape the day, cometh the moment, cometh the rape

[arbil_poieo]

I like this. I imagine Major Payne's voice from that movie while I was reading it, don't ask me why.

[Arriedo]

lol i like indepth critique! so please! critique away.

and major payne really?!

[Leanne]

I was born in the tar pits..forged by the hardships -- good rhythm set up from the start
raised in the fields of hell.. my soul was the target
can you imagine living a life surrounded by darkness? -- this line is very bland, I've read it in a thousand poems. Something less general would serve you better. For example, what did hell smell like? What made it hell?



fighting to stay alive so i don't waste away
at an early age i learned to embrace the rage
rape the day
ripped pen through flesh is the only way I'll raze the page
duck behind the buildings when i heard the semi spray -- this line feels less than authentic -- is that semi-automatic weapon or am I missing the meaning entirely? It just seems generic rap stereotype to put in a reference to weapons, even the avoidance of them.


But above all...my lessons consisted of tactics
meditated on classics...became a man from getting my ass kicked --these lines are terrific!
Attained the rank of general by ripping it from these bastards -- I like this stanza but this doesn't feel like a closing line, with undefined "bastards" -- it isn't either a resolution or a promise, which are the two ways I'd expect a piece like this to end

---

PS. I've been wracking my brains trying to work out why this needs a language warning -- maybe I'm just not as polite as you!

[arbil_poieo]

Yep, when he's telling that little boy Tiger a bedtime story of The Little Engine That Could and became morbid, that's what I'm specifically thinking of.