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Threads: 6
Joined: Nov 2012
I have always loved poetry & written quite a few. Friends think they are fine but then they would! Hoping for some constructive ideas on direction, technique etc.
Heart in mouth - here goes ..............
Ending
Don’t look at me that way:
Turn your red-rimmed,
Tear-brimmed,
Eyes to mine;
It was nothing more than
A passing thing,
Brief fling,
Killing time.
Neither one was meant to
Have a heart sore,
Want more,
Love defined
You accuse me of a
Breach of trust,
Just lust,
That’s my crime.
See my guilty verdict
In your red-rimmed
Tear-brimmed
Eyes on mine.
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Joined: Jul 2012
Gotta love friends, I have a few like that too. I can write the whole roses are red, violets are blue and they'll think I'm a genius.
I'm thinking this is about one person wanting more while the other just wants to get laid.
If I'm wrong it's only because my mind stays in the gutter.
I like how you ended the poem using some of the lines from the first stanza , nice touch. I tend to do that and sometimes it's a hit and miss but I think it works here.
I'm just having a hard time making a connection with "red brimmed" only because I don't know what you're trying to say.
It feels more like a list, while I like your word choice because it's a unique approach, but I think it would be more of something with more description.
I definitely like how you begin it, almost like it was taken from in the middle of a conversation.
I like reading this.
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Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi Bizzy
hopefully you'll get some constructive feedback here 
i like the layout of the poem and the content the idea is a good one. what lets it down in places from are the cliche which dot the poem the 2nd to last verse could also be helped by swapping out the clichéd lines. the repetition at the end isn't too bad. all in all in needs a smallish edit in order to make it more original.
thanks for the read.
(11-30-2012, 07:15 AM)Bizzy Wrote: I have always loved poetry & written quite a few. Friends think they are fine but then they would! Hoping for some constructive ideas on direction, technique etc.
Heart in mouth - here goes ..............
Ending
Don’t look at me that way:
Turn your red-rimmed,
Tear-brimmed,
Eyes to mine; no probs here, the seen is set fairly well for the breakup ahead.
It was nothing more than
A passing thing,
Brief fling,
Killing time. the opening line feels week and each line is a very come phrase (cliche) try and saty the same thing in an original way.
Neither one was meant to
Have a heart sore, i like this line, i haven't heard the phrase heart sore before
Want more,
Love defined this line feels like it needs to be better explained.
You accuse me of a
Breach of trust,
Just lust,
That’s my crime.
See my guilty verdict
In your red-rimmed
Tear-brimmed
Eyes on mine.
Posts: 22
Threads: 6
Joined: Nov 2012
Thanks for that and yes - you are right - that's exactly what it's about. Eyes are red-rimmed - does that make more sense? I chose the 'list' style because I try to make it pared down - or else I am inclined to gush!
Gotta love friends, I have a few like that too. I can write the whole roses are red, violets are blue and they'll think I'm a genius.
I'm thinking this is about one person wanting more while the other just wants to get laid.
If I'm wrong it's only because my mind stays in the gutter.
I like how you ended the poem using some of the lines from the first stanza , nice touch. I tend to do that and sometimes it's a hit and miss but I think it works here.
I'm just having a hard time making a connection with "red brimmed" only because I don't know what you're trying to say.
It feels more like a list, while I like your word choice because it's a unique approach, but I think it would be more of something with more description.
I definitely like how you begin it, almost like it was taken from in the middle of a conversation.
I like reading this.
[/quote]
Posts: 20
Threads: 12
Joined: Nov 2012
I agree that the line "love defined" should be more explained. But, everything else is fine with me except for the ending. I really enjoyed the poem but thought that either the poem would be a little longer and still ended with the last stanza or that the last stanza would have been completely different. Maybe it's just me but, I think that it kind of leaves the reader hanging. Or it could just be that I like it so much, I wanted more..haha. good job!
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Threads: 5
Joined: Nov 2012
I get the feeling that there was this sort of mutual agreement between the two, and I love the conflict here. I have never read a love poem with this conflict before and therefore, in my opinion, I think it is very original. The opening is great, it made me read on automatically to see the end. The whole poem has a nice flow to it (I think it is because of the rhymes in the middle). I can really picture the whole scene! Great job!
Hi Bizzy,
I would like to see this properly punctuated. The caps beginning each line don't work, especially when you use commas and semicolons. What I'm saying is, the punctuation does a disservice to the poem. Liked 'heart sore.' 
gemini
(11-30-2012, 07:15 AM)Bizzy Wrote: I have always loved poetry & written quite a few. Friends think they are fine but then they would! Hoping for some constructive ideas on direction, technique etc.
Heart in mouth - here goes ..............
Ending
Don’t look at me that way:
Turn your red-rimmed,
Tear-brimmed,
Eyes to mine;
It was nothing more than
A passing thing,
Brief fling,
Killing time.
Neither one was meant to
Have a heart sore,
Want more,
Love defined
You accuse me of a
Breach of trust,
Just lust,
That’s my crime.
See my guilty verdict
In your red-rimmed
Tear-brimmed
Eyes on mine.
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