Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
After a heated
Exchange of dirt words
I gave in-
Fear in my eyes.
Uncontrollable sweat
from my chest
Chills down my spine
As I inhale your breath
Chill bumps increased
Fan hitting us
Eye sight wandered around
Reflection of our bare naked bodies
Sketched on the wall
Hands crisscrossed over my chest
Nervously trembling
Fistful of tears I tried to fight
Sharp pain entering
All the memories of the days
I was once a little prude
massively attack my brain
Now a woman lying on the bed
Or at least, I thought
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-16-2010, 04:18 AM)Loveblind Wrote: After a heated
Exchange of dirt words
I gave in-
Fear in my eyes.
Uncontrollable sweat
from my chest
Chills down my spine
As I inhale your breath
Chill bumps increased
Fan hitting us
Eye sight wandered around
Reflection of our bare naked bodies
Sketched on the wall
Hands crisscrossed over my chest
Nervously trembling
Fistful of tears I tried to fight
Sharp pain entering
All the memories of the days
I was once a little prude
massively attack my brain
Now a woman lying on the bed
Or at least, I thought
hi loveblind.
i enjoyed the first verse and felt that the last line of it would have flowed better with "
with" at the beginning (With fear in my eyes)
the 2nd verse; would
on work better than
from?
3rd verse;
chill has already been used in the previous verse.
4th verse;
eyesight not
eye sight.
1st line feels awkward, would
crossed work better in line 4?
5th verse; 1st line
fistfuls
line 2 where was the pain entering?
for me this last verse feels disjointed. it needs some clarity as the flow is really jerky.
just my opinion LB. keep up the writing and thanks for the read.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
I liked the last lines... very poignant. Just needs a bit of editing.
(04-16-2010, 04:18 AM)Loveblind Wrote: After a heated
Exchange of dirt words
I gave in-
Fear in my eyes. I know what you're trying to say, but the statement "fear in my eyes" is so strong, it gives the reader the impression that this is almost (if not really) rape. Was that the intention?
Uncontrollable sweat Since sweating really can't be controlled, you can opt to rephrase this ("Sweat beading my chest". Something like that?)
from my chest
Chills down my spine
As I inhale your breath
Chill bumps increased
Fan hitting us This seems tacked on because this is the only line you use to give a feel of the setting. Maybe you could add more?
Eye sight wandered around
Reflection of our bare naked bodies Wouldn't choose the word "reflection"... I think you mean something closer to "shadow", or "twins", or "ghosts"?
Sketched on the wall
Hands crisscrossed over my chest Crisscrossed suggests many, so "crossed" would suffice, or maybe "fingers crisscrossed"
Nervously trembling
Fistful of tears I tried to fight
Sharp pain entering
All the memories of the days
I was once a little prude
massively attack my brain sounds more like a brain probe. Try more subtle imagery to suggest memory
Now a woman lying on the bed
Or at least, I thought I really like this ending somehow 
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
