Touch

[Black Jade]

Hold my waist
Touch my face
Your love in my eyes
Grip my thighs
Night skies like a blanket
The stars here are sacred
They knew before us
Our love was divine
Here we are among the grape vine..

[Todd]

Hi Black Jade, Welcome to the site!

A few comments for you on your poem:

I think this poem is crying out for more imagery. Line 5 is very nice. You provide a tactile image with the night skies. The blanket imagery gives the night a warm, sensual feel. The rest of the poem is largely a series of statements that while they would sound sensual if said to a partner fall short in a poem in my opinion. Consider adding more imagery that suggests touch.

It was good reading you.

Best,

Todd

Hold my waist
Touch my face
Your love in my eyes
Grip my thighs
Night skies like a blanket
The stars here are sacred
They knew before us
Our love was divine
Here we are among the grape vine..

[Black Jade]

Thanks for the feedback! Very much appreciated.

Black Jade x

[billy]

it's a nice poem but it's a bit off being a good poem.
the main problem is it has little feel of love or sex. it reads more like a wish list. try and draw a picture with the words. how do you want him/her to hold your waist and touch your face.?


thanks for the read.

[Black Jade]

Merci billy! Very useful.

Black Jade x