My river

[Black Jade]

My river,

I know I ask for too much
With my erratic nature
My crazy passion
I am too much

You were always there, my endless river of tenderness
Your cool and gentle flow of understanding and grace
Whose only desire was to flood me with love

I was away, aloof..
I couldn’t swim with you
Perhaps I wasn’t ready to see my reflection within you

Now its my turn to take force of the current
To protect you
By only allowing love to your tides..

[Leanne]

Jade, do you want this poem to be in Serious Critique or Mild? Please have a look at the posting guidelines in each forum and decide -- one or the other. Thank you/ admin

[Black Jade]

Mild Critique.

[billy]

My river,

I know I ask for too much
With my erratic nature
My crazy passion
I am too much

You were always there, my endless river of tenderness is there needed
Your cool and gentle flow of understanding and grace
Whose only desire was to flood me with love is with love needed, or is it already implied from the line above?

I was away, aloof..
I couldn’t swim with you
Perhaps I wasn’t ready to see my reflection within you

Now its my turn to take force of the current
To protect you
By only allowing love to your tides..

i quite like it though it could do with a few more images.
i like the layout of the poem and how the main river stanza stretches across the page much more so that the rest
don't forget to leave some feedback else where black jade.

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I agree, it's nice the way the layout of the poem stretches and wanes. It does remind me a little bit of a river, where at points it is wide and calm at points there are rapids.

I think my main critique is that I want to get more of a feel for the metaphor; I know the narrator is erratic, dramatic, aloof, etc.... but how does that contrast with the "river", her lover? If she sees her lover as a river, what is their relationship? What does that make her? I think that's where you have the most potential to add imagery (Just my opinion). At times her lover "floods her with love" (she's like a wetland), but she can also swim in the river (like a fish), is often aloof to the river (like a bird), can withstand and embrace its tides and currents (like the sea), etc etc etc. I already like what's going on here, but there's still plenty of potential room to expand on, especially in the first stanza, which was full of abstract terms rather than concrete imagery.

Thanks for the read

[Black Jade]

Thank you very much - extremely helpful

Black Jade x