Low tide

[cidermaid]

Part two (of a planned 5 or 6). Part 1 can be found in poetry exercises. important info - Billy P2)

Low tide (A Pantoum).

Time has wearied and dulled her shine.
The minutes, the hours, the days , the years.
A cut swath reduced to just a shadow. Almost undefined.
A lessening diligence, a meandering allegiance – her tears.

The minutes, the hours, the days, the years.
Tethered down, anchored back. An unfair fight.
A lessening diligence. A meandering allegiance. Her tears!
Where now the rivers on the barren heights?

Tethered down, anchored back – an unfair fight.
Empty words, crumbling walls. Broken boundaries and hope deferred.
Where now the rivers on the barren heights?
With him she comes alive, she glows, she shines. This she has heard…

“Empty words, crumbling walls. Broken boundaries and hope deferred.
“…. sacred mounds defiled…. The turning tide – the longed for healing”
With him she comes alive. She glows, she shines; this she has heard.
She cannot give what she does not have - love’s low ebb revealing.

Sacred mounds defiled. The turning tide, the longed for healing,
She sings for him alone, but now her song is gone - forsaken, forbidden.
She cannot give what she does not have. Love’s low ebb revealing,
She is higher and dryer; he is deeper and wider. Her love is hidden.

She sings for him alone. But now her song is gone. Forsaken, forbidden.
Time has wearied and dulled her shine.
She is higher and dryer. He is deeper and wider. Her love is hidden,
A cut swath reduced to just a shadow, almost undefined.

[billy]

Part two (of a planned 5 or 6). Part 1 can be found in poetry exercises. important info - Billy P2)

Low tide (A Pantoum).

Time has wearied and dulled her shine.
The minutes, the hours, the days , the years.
A cut swath reduced to just a shadow. Almost undefined. are cut and swathe the same thing?
A lessening diligence, a meandering allegiance – her tears.

The minutes, the hours, the days, the years.
Tethered down, anchored back. An unfair fight.
A lessening diligence. A meandering allegiance. Her tears!
Where now the rivers on the barren heights? needs a little work on the syntax. a suggestion would be 'the river's flow on barren heights"

Tethered down, anchored back – an unfair fight. i like this line, it has a multidimensional feel to it
Empty words, crumbling walls. Broken boundaries and hope deferred.
Where now the rivers on the barren heights?
With him she comes alive, she glows, she shines. This she has heard…

“Empty words, crumbling walls. Broken boundaries and hope deferred.
“…. sacred mounds defiled…. The turning tide – the longed for healing”
With him she comes alive. She glows, she shines; this she has heard.
She cannot give what she does not have - love’s low ebb revealing.

Sacred mounds defiled. The turning tide, the longed for healing,
She sings for him alone, but now her song is gone - forsaken, forbidden.
She cannot give what she does not have. Love’s low ebb revealing,
She is higher and dryer; he is deeper and wider. Her love is hidden. i also like this line as it creates an image. i'm wondering if love would be better better hidden were she the deeper and wider one?

She sings for him alone. But now her song is gone. Forsaken, forbidden.
Time has wearied and dulled her shine.
She is higher and dryer. He is deeper and wider. Her love is hidden,
A cut swath reduced to just a shadow, almost undefined.

i don't think the meter's too much of a problem in this one though some of the extended lines do feel a little too extended.

now i'm going off to see if i can do a pantoum

thanks for the read