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A caution to love.
Graze thee well O gentle soul,
Eat words taken from this scroll - take heed
For love has much urgent need;
but listen my love, I plead. Dark nights,
when first love fights and bites….
…take not to heart the slight. For love,
a she lion, a turtledove;
tho’ crowned and found above, must rest
upon her lovers breast
and wait there, for the best is yet
to come. Desire well met,
the soul aroused and set, will wait
for her true love and mate
For first love, tho’ truly great, will fade,
will flee into the shade;
no longer graze the glade. So know
this truth, that love must grow
And sacrificially flow, before
she opens up the door and leaves;
so let desire thus cleave
until it is fully pleased. Attested
by a soul well rested
and then fully arrested - made whole.
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Well you made me look up the form, and it looks like you conformed to it well. Without it being Vietnamese its hard to tell about the tonal bang trac thing. I doubt it's something we can even attempt successfully in English. After checking the form, I checked to see if the content was warped to accommodate the form. Thankfully, everything felt like it fit. I had one issue that stuck out to me, this cliche: the best is yet to come. Find a substitute and I think this is a pretty solid poem.
Just my thoughts,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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me to, i'll have to look it up 
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sorry cidermaid. i forgot to come back but i did look up the form
the consensus seems to be a 6/8 alternating syllable line form starting with the 6 syllable line first and ending with 8 syllable line. the rhyme scheme seems to be abbccddee.....and ending with an a rhyme. i have no clue really so i'll work off that the meter feels off in places. i've italicised where.
i like the first line and it's meter so i see no reason why you can't have a different alternating rhythm of 7 and 8 or 7 and 9. the end rhymes work well
the word use also works really well and i have no problems with an abundance of love. it has that cloying feel of a Shakespearian love kind of thing and it's a solid effort.
i think with the syllable count sorted out this would be a great effort.
thanks for the read.
(11-23-2012, 03:48 AM)cidermaid Wrote: A caution to love.
Graze thee well O gentle soul, great opening.
Eat words taken from this scroll - take heed
For love has much urgent need;
but listen my love, I plead.
when first love fights and bites….
…take not to heart the slight. For love,
a she lion, a turtledove;
tho’ crowned and found above, must rest this line flows like silk
upon her lovers breast
and wait there, for the best is yet
to come. Desire well met,
the soul aroused and set, will wait this creates a good image.
for her true love and mate
For first love, tho’ truly great, will fade,
will flee into the shade;
no longer graze the glade. So know
this truth, that love must grow
And sacrificially flow, before i like how it works without the comma though either way works.
she opens up the door and leaves; from here on the meter feels reversed, with some not fitting the 6 or 8 syl meter.
so let desire thus cleave
until it is fully pleased. Attested
by a soul well rested
and then fully arrested - made whole.
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Ok, thanks Billy..need to go back and do some re-counting by the sounds of it. (fingers work best for me...and if I run out I can always use my crayons)
Ps this poem doesn't do anything for me...I wrote it just as an experiment and for the exercise of trying something new. I think it is boring...the good news is I'm totally unattached to any part of this one, so it is posted with a full non stroppy guarentee. Thought if I was going to get a grip and get over it, I should set the emotion pistol at it's lowest setting to get started. 
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I quite like this. There's a few places where I trip up
For love has much urgent need;
but listen my love, I plead. Dark nights - I think if you remove "much" and "love" from 2nd line it reads better.
upon her lovers breast - a syllable short and it shows
for her true love and mate - full stop?
For first love, tho’ truly great, will fade, - I'd omit "for".
Be nice to end on "until it is fully pleased".
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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(11-23-2012, 06:48 PM)cidermaid Wrote: Ok, thanks Billy..need to go back and do some re-counting by the sounds of it. (fingers work best for me...and if I run out I can always use my crayons)
Ps this poem doesn't do anything for me...I wrote it just as an experiment and for the exercise of trying something new. I think it is boring...the good news is I'm totally unattached to any part of this one, so it is posted with a full non stroppy guarentee. Thought if I was going to get a grip and get over it, I should set the emotion pistol at it's lowest setting to get started.
it's better than many could do, some of my first attempts at new forms were abysmal, so were some of my latter attempts  i think they're definitely a worthwhile endeavour, i'm going to try one myself tomorrow. (thanks for the push)
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