F for Life

[CoffeeSpoons]

Just came up with this fifteen minutes ago. It's slightly dark and hopefully comedic. A bit of a Work in progress obviously, as is everything I've posted here and yet to finish. I'll be back on tomorrow to read and give feedback for others as I've been slacking lately. Hope you enjoy.

F for Life.

If life were graded I'd be given an F,
And I'd wear it on display, stapled over my chest.
I've failed so many times now
it's something I've perfected.
I've been rejected, told I'm detested.
Tried to rob the bank that took my house.
Those cunts got bonuses, I got arrested.
I've fallen piss drunk face down in the gutter.
It's comfortable there,
Like being wrapped in a cover.
Failure is yet to let me down.
It stood its ground,
even when,
success came around.
My life is nothing but an empty carriage,
It moves aimlessly with no expectations,
Just like my third marriage.
Life has made me bitter not better.
And while others danced in the rain,
I stood still and only got wetter.
If success is a distant spit of land
then the I'm the poor sod,
holding onto a log,
trying not to drown.
Perfected I tell you
It's now a fine art.
Why not try again you ask?
Work harder and be smart.
I don't need to feel any smaller.
And I'm so good at this failing nonsense
Why should I bother?
And what a waste it would be,
I've gotten it down to tee.
I've even managed to fail at failing
Take the time I tried hanging myself
I tied that knot good and tight to the railing
The next thing you know it snapped
And I'm on the ground wailing.
As we can see I was never one for over achieving.
But I'm alright with that now,
Because as it turns out,
it's the only reason I'm breathing.

[TwistedAngel]

i really like the content in this me own critique of this would be..

"And I'd wear it somewhere around here,
Over my heart, stitched to my chest. " << "I've failed my brother.
Disappointed my mother." << don't think these lines is needed as you poem as a whole already gives that impression ?

line 16 "My life is nothing but an empty carriage," <<< you changed the flow of the rhyme in this line...IMO needs a break an become a 2nd stanza..otherwise you kinda stumble over it

line 32 "Besides," for no other reason than me own OCD about keeping things symetrical as possible I'd turn into a 3rd stanza if you did change line 16 into a 2nd stanza

those is just the things that stood out for me but yeah i enjoyed this a lot...anyone who wants to kill/rob/pillage/burn a bank/banker is ok by me

[cidermaid]

Hi coffespoons,

You have put a lot of rawness and and thoughts in here, that many people will be able to identify with, but having got the ideas down on paper they need organising and structuring so that the reader is able to have some natural breathing spaces. (and not suffocate themselves reading it)
Try reading through and seeing where you naturally draw breath. also you can look at where the subject has natural breaks or changes.
...when I'm writing if i get a write like this where is has been in a hurry to come out I give it a couple of days to settle and then work on the sturcturing and any other poetic tecniches that i feel suit the verse. Hope this helps.
You have some good story idea and with a bit of editing it could work well.

[CoffeeSpoons]

Thanks for the feedback people. I've changed a few of the lines and read it back to myself out loud and it reads a bit better now. It still needs a bit of work but I'll fix it soon.

Thanks for the help,

Spoons

[Arriedo]

Hey!

"As we can see I was never one for over achieving.
But I'm alright with that now,
Because as it turns out,
it's the only reason I'm breathing."

Has to be an awesome ending.

I would break your poem into about three stanzas because the flow switches up and the rhyme scheme changes.

"Those cunts got bonuses, I got arrested."

Personal opinion, You don't need the word cunt i think it lessens the effect of your poem, Dictionaries are our friends.


Otherwise pretty good poem I like how you for a minute you make failure a person.

"Failure is yet to let me down.
It stood its ground,
even when,
success came around."

Keep it up.