A Moment of Eternity (Rev. 2 Nov '12)

[Wildcard]

Rev. 2 - 11-21-2012

A tickle of raspberry
buds the tongue
delighted senses yawn and stretch--
ulterior motives that lower inhibitions.

Mahogany yang's inside,
outside pallid bubbles
yin from a distant room.

Adrift

pleasantly burrowed into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

Rev. 1 - 07-01-2012

A tickle of raspberry
buds the tongue
delighted senses yawn and stretch--
ulterior motives
lower inhibitions.

Mahogany yang's inside,
outside pallid bubbles
yin from a distant room.

Adrift

pleasantly, burrowed
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

Original:

A tickle of raspberry
buds the tongue
delighted senses engage
ulterior motives
lower inhibitions.

Mahogany yangs inside,
outside pallid bubbles
ying from a distant room.

Disoriented

pleasantly, burrowed
into filthy cushions,
a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle.

[Philatone]

hello mark. this feels like a new direction for you in some ways. some rapid thoughts

first stanza: like the opening, it feels very fresh and tangible. part of me thinks the last lines should be trimmed to just one because having two abstractions like that can be difficult to pull off.

second stanza: the location of the words "inside" and "outside" was a little jarring for me; I expected the "outside" to be farther along in the line, but perhaps that would mirror the first line too much? although, for a ying and yang, maybe that would be appropriate. this is the stanza I have the least understanding of, but that may not be an actual problem

third: "drowning" is the key word in this stanza for me--at first I thought it was literal, but now I'm not so sure (hotboxing comes to mind). thought about switching the order (apologies if I'm overstepping my bounds):

pleasantly burrowed
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

overall:
the structure was interesting to me. the first and last stanzas (5 lines) i get, but the middle ones were interesting, especially with "disoriented" all by itself

[addy]

"a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle. "

Ugh, that line just about killed me. So sad, so poignant.

The two things that could be improved, for me: "delighted senses engage", I'm not convinced engage is the right word, though I know what you're talking about (to turn on, light up, etc)... just felt it wasn't a solid word to leave the line off on. Second is the stand-alone line "Disoriented". Again it's clear and functional, but the word itself and the way it's used acts more like an anchor rather than actually expressing a sense of disorientation to the reader (does that make sense? ). Anyway, those two are just minor nits about word choices. Overall I really, really like this piece

[Aish]

Hi, Mark.

I think the drifting, inebriated vibe worked in this piece. The yin and yang alongside the vibrancy of raspberry and mahogany mixed with pallid was very complimentary.

I think "yangs" should either be singular or a conjunction "yang's". Disoriented somehow seems too sharp and concrete, even though by definition it is somewhat nebulous. Perhaps something more like "adrift", to compliment the haziness.
Enjoyable, nonetheless.

[billy]

A tickle of raspberry
buds the tongue
delighted senses engage
ulterior motives
lower inhibitions.

Mahogany yangs inside,
outside pallid bubbles is the a comma missing after 'outside'?
ying from a distant room.

Disoriented

pleasantly, burrowed
into filthy cushions,
a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle.

i like the opening two lines. the use of buds and tongue are done to perfection. the rest of the 1st stanza feels a bit generic. the ying yang thing equates reasonably well the image of it. the last stanza is great.
what i can't see is the connections to the title (unless it's about a moment of memory)

nothing too shoddy

great to see you do a poem I still have me bloody edit to do

thanks for the read

[heslopian]

I don't think you need the punctuation or capital letters. Otherwise this is a charming and sensual poem, which reads like a hot bath with your lover

[Wildcard]

hello mark. this feels like a new direction for you in some ways. some rapid thoughts

first stanza: like the opening, it feels very fresh and tangible. part of me thinks the last lines should be trimmed to just one because having two abstractions like that can be difficult to pull off.

second stanza: the location of the words "inside" and "outside" was a little jarring for me; I expected the "outside" to be farther along in the line, but perhaps that would mirror the first line too much? although, for a ying and yang, maybe that would be appropriate. this is the stanza I have the least understanding of, but that may not be an actual problem

third: "drowning" is the key word in this stanza for me--at first I thought it was literal, but now I'm not so sure (hotboxing comes to mind). thought about switching the order (apologies if I'm overstepping my bounds):

pleasantly burrowed
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle,
a drowning dog smiles.

overall:
the structure was interesting to me. the first and last stanzas (5 lines) i get, but the middle ones were interesting, especially with "disoriented" all by itself

I quite like the suggestions you've made and may wind up reversing the order in the last stanza per your suggestion. Thanks for your time man

"a drowning dog smiles
soaring-
like an eagle. "

Ugh, that line just about killed me. So sad, so poignant.

The two things that could be improved, for me: "delighted senses engage", I'm not convinced engage is the right word, though I know what you're talking about (to turn on, light up, etc)... just felt it wasn't a solid word to leave the line off on. Second is the stand-alone line "Disoriented". Again it's clear and functional, but the word itself and the way it's used acts more like an anchor rather than actually expressing a sense of disorientation to the reader (does that make sense? ). Anyway, those two are just minor nits about word choices. Overall I really, really like this piece

For 'engage' how about 'awaken'?

Thanks for the feedback addy I will look at my word choices more closely.

Hi, Mark.

I think the drifting, inebriated vibe worked in this piece. The yin and yang alongside the vibrancy of raspberry and mahogany mixed with pallid was very complimentary.

I think "yangs" should either be singular or a conjunction "yang's". Disoriented somehow seems too sharp and concrete, even though by definition it is somewhat nebulous. Perhaps something more like "adrift", to compliment the haziness.
Enjoyable, nonetheless.

As far as 'yangs/yang's' I didn't know that was the way to do that and I will edit it.

I also like 'adrift' and will think about replacing that.

Thanks for the feedback, Aish

i like the opening two lines. the use of buds and tongue are done to perfection. the rest of the 1st stanza feels a bit generic. the ying yang thing equates reasonably well the image of it. the last stanza is great.
what i can't see is the connections to the title (unless it's about a moment of memory)

nothing too shoddy

great to see you do a poem I still have me bloody edit to do

thanks for the read

I think I see what you mean and I will take it into consideration when I rewrite. Thanks boss

I don't think you need the punctuation or capital letters. Otherwise this is a charming and sensual poem, which reads like a hot bath with your lover

I am still not sure if I want to go the 'no punctuation or capitals' route. I considered it, but am trying Dale's advice of writing in complete, properly punctuated sentences and then breaking them down into lines and removing excess. I quite like the look of poetry done without punctuation or capitals, but I want to try this style as well.

Thanks for your thoughts, Jack.

[Wildcard]

I did an edit. Thanks for all the help

[Leanne]

Well now, this is something very different for you and very good!

A tickle of raspberry
buds the tongue -- love the creative verb
delighted senses yawn and stretch-- nice personification
ulterior motives
lower inhibitions. -- these two are my least favourite lines, simply because they're both common phrases, but they clarify meaning and not every word in a poem can be unusual so I'm not suggesting a change

Mahogany yang's inside,
outside pallid bubbles
yin from a distant room. -- I like the ambiguity of yin here, it can be taken as a noun or a verb (I kind of like the idea of a good yinning)

Adrift

pleasantly, burrowed -- I'm not sure if the comma works, I think I'd prefer "pleasantly burrowed into filthy cushions" to "adrift pleasantly"
into filthy cushions,
soaring-
like an eagle, -- nicely done, you've subverted the cliche
a drowning dog smiles.

[billy]

well done on not altering the title, i missed the obvious connection which i now see
what few changes you made do make a difference, i like yin instead of ying as it's fresh and makes me think just that little bit more about it.
i think this is a good poem. with some strong images.
well done and thanks for the edit.

[addy]

Nice edit Mark. Just switching around a few things, and you've smoothened the vibe perceptibly.

[Wildcard]

Well now, this is something very different for you and very good!

Thanks Leanne

I used some of your suggestions and I appreciate all your help. It takes me forever to make up my mind sometimes. :p

well done and thanks for the edit.

Thanks for your feedback boss. It was really helpful to see what worked for you and what didn't.

Nice edit Mark. Just switching around a few things, and you've smoothened the vibe perceptibly.

I did one more tweak Hope I didn't mess it up. Thanks addy!

[billy]

that comma being removed makes a big difference and the new layout doesn't take anything away from the poem so i'd say good edit

[Leanne]

Very good edit -- it's nice to see people coming back to their earlier poems and revising