Maybe I'm tripping.
Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me..
But who am i kidding,
I'm falling apart and it couldn't be more obvious to see.
Maybe i fell too hard for her
Or maybe i just didn't play my cards right..
The way she took all my energy out of me got me feeling bare,
And i'm left with nothing but memories that are black and white.
Maybe i should just cry.
Or maybe i should just give up on love and throw the middle finger at Cupid..
But memories of how i used to lose myself between her thigh, got me on a leash and i'm still stuck on stupid.
Posts: 18
Threads: 6
Joined: Nov 2012
(11-15-2012, 10:18 PM)Wo_ozz Wrote: Maybe I'm tripping.
Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me..
But who am i kidding,
I'm falling apart and it couldn't be more obvious to see.
Maybe i fell too hard for her
Or maybe i just didn't play my cards right..
The way she took all my energy out of me got me feeling bare,
And i'm left with nothing but memories that are black and white.
Maybe i should just cry.
Or maybe i should just give up on love and throw the middle finger at Cupid..
But memories of how i used to lose myself between her thigh, got me on a leash and i'm still stuck on stupid.
Hi Wo-ozz
I think I pressed the send tab too early on my last post - I'm new to all this!
I suspect that this poem was prompted by a real situation in your life - The angst and disallusionment come across strogly in your words.
Just a few comments ...
(11-15-2012, 10:18 PM)Wo_ozz Wrote: Maybe I'm tripping.
Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me..
But who am i kidding - A question mark here
I'm falling apart and it couldn't be more obvious to see.
Maybe i fell too hard for her
Or maybe i just didn't play my cards right..
The way she took all my energy out of me got me feeling bare, "drained might work better here"
And i'm left with nothing but memories that are black and white.
Maybe i should just cry.
Or maybe i should just give up on love and throw the middle finger at Cupid.. Perhaps thrust rather than throw would make this a more powerful line
But memories of how i used to lose myself between her thigh, got me on a leash and i'm still stuck on stupid. I like this line but I assume that she had more than one thigh!!
All in all a powerful poem and it's always good to get one's frustrations down on paper.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
generally, it feels like there's too many excess words weighing down what you want to say. line 4 could done in 5 words instead of 10. line7 could be done with 9 instead of 14 and the same elsewhere, cut it back to the bare bones. throw everything out that doesn't add something to the poem. all i all you cut cut a 3rd or more out and no one would miss it. lot's of cliche but best first to trim the thing down with an edit.
(11-15-2012, 10:18 PM)Wo_ozz Wrote: Maybe I'm tripping.
Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me..
But who am i kidding,
I'm falling apart and it couldn't be more obvious to see.
Maybe i fell too hard for her
Or maybe i just didn't play my cards right..
The way she took all my energy out of me got me feeling bare,
And i'm left with nothing but memories that are black and white.
Maybe i should just cry.
Or maybe i should just give up on love and throw the middle finger at Cupid..
But memories of how i used to lose myself between her thigh, got me on a leash and i'm still stuck on stupid.
