Rum (and) Cola

[jdelacroix]

Though
our being
sets us apart,

we are
a cocktail
of sweat and drool,
swallowed and spewed,

drenching
the drape
that entangles
us.




A full revision of the previous poem, Sober
Rum-ranked puke
tells fresh tales
of anguish.

In the wake,
we neglect
the fly-swarmed muck

for the weight
of daylight.

[addy]

Rum-ranked don't need the "ed" puke
tells fresh tales
of anguish.

In the wake,
we neglect
the fly-swarmed muck this verse confused me. at the beginning you said the vomit was telling you "fresh tales of anguish", but in here you imply that the speaker was ignoring the mess completely. Maybe I'm misinterpreting it?

for the weight
of daylight. Kind of like this. You can still put more oomph in it, put some more gravity (no pun intended) into these lines.

Just a bit of editing for me, but still liked it. Very visceral.

[billy]

Rum-ranked puke
tells fresh tales
of anguish.

In the wake,
we neglect
the fly-swarmed muck

for the weight
of daylight.

it works for me, though the second stanza leaves me a litte confused jd.

is the fly swarmed much, the vomit?

also, i'm not sure what we're in the wake of?

is it the vomit, or the anguish?
having read it a few times i think it needs to let the reader into it a bit more.

you say anguish....for me i want to know what the anguish is. a death, a lot love, an illness, debt etc etc. jmo.

thanks for the read. i don't think it would take much to flesh it out a little