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1930’s woman (for Clare in memory of Phyllis)
Gentle and quiet, gentle and quiet
Meekness and submission and softness of heart.
She will not stray. From her chosen path she will not depart.
Her eyes are not haughty, her words are not proud
And she holds fast to the promise she once avowed.
Softly and quiet, softly and quiet
The words are unspoken that dwell in her heart
No terrors will tempt them, from her lips to depart.
Her will is set fast and her morals too proud
To abandon the promise that she once avowed.
Broken and quiet, broken and quiet
Her love lies in tatters and shrouds her sad heart
And her hope for fulfilment did long since depart.
But her heart is too stubborn ..…..too proud
To give up on the promise that she once avowed.
Peaceful and quiet, peaceful and quiet
The silence surrounds her; rests well with her heart
As the bonds are all broken and with death do depart.
Integrity intact, her conscience can be proud
That she held fast to the promise that she once avowed.
Empty and quiet, empty and quiet.
She goes through the motions of renewing her heart
Yet from the mould of her past life she cannot depart
For the wounds on her heart are still far too proud
So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear
…….the sign of her vows.
It’s safer this way….she’ll opt for a quieter life.
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will give this the time it deserves tomorrow when i have a straight head on
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A nicely moving character sketch. The structure's interesting, though it feels slightly arbitrary, especially as the last two lines deviate from it. Also, I'd have liked some more images to indicate that this
is a 1930s woman you're writing about (maybe you could allude to contemporary fashions?) I have a suggestion for the ending: instead of those two lines, you could keep within the structure by simply putting "the promise that she once avowed". Then the end would be "So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear/the promise that she once avowed". Just an idea.
Lines like "meekness and submission and softness of heart" give your sketch psychological depth. The impression of a spinster sitting in a lonely apartment as through her windows the world passes by comes to mind. The way you mix feelings like pride and integrity with submission and hopelessness adds another dimension to the woman, making her complex. I liked how the first lines of each verse give a different twist on the idea of quietude, from "gentle" and "softly" to "broken" and "empty". There's some clever stuff here. All critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Thanks for the feedback and comments. Might well have a relook at this one in a couple of days.
I think your ending might well feature in this. will wait n see if anything else comes in first.
AJ.
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I feel tempted to give you my view but pls as said before: bin at will.
(11-11-2012, 08:36 PM)cidermaid Wrote: 1930’s woman (for Clare in memory of Phyllis)
Gentle and quiet, gentle and quiet
Meekness and submission and softness of heart. <<< Meekness, submission and softness of heart
She will not stray. From her chosen path she will not depart.<<< She will not stray, will not depart.
Her eyes are not haughty, her words are not proud
And she holds fast to the promise she once avowed. <<< she holds fast to promises she once avowed.
Softly and quiet, softly and quiet
The words are unspoken that dwell in her heart
No terrors will tempt them, from her lips to depart.
Her will is set fast and her morals too proud
To abandon the promise that she once avowed.
Broken and quiet, broken and quiet
Her love lies in tatters and shrouds her sad heart
And her hope for fulfilment did long since depart. <<< fulfillment
But her heart is too stubborn ..…..too proud Her heart is too stubborn, too proud
To give up on the promise that she once avowed.
Peaceful and quiet, peaceful and quiet
The silence surrounds her; rests well with her heart full stop or colon
As the bonds are all broken and with death do depart. the bonds are all broken, (I don't know what to do with the rest of this line)
Integrity intact, her conscience can be proud iintegrity intact (?), her conscience is proud.
That she held fast to the promise that she once avowed. <<< she held fadt to the promise, that she once avowed.
Empty and quiet, empty and quiet.
She goes through the motions of renewing her heart
Yet from the mould of her past life she cannot depart<<< again I would skip: yet.
For the wounds on her heart are still far too proud <<< again: full stop
So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear <<< she hold fast to her promise and continues to wear the sign of her vows
…….the sign of her vows.
It’s safer this way….she’ll opt for a quieter life. <<< hm! ;-) It is safer this way. she will opt for a quieter life.
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02-06-2013, 11:05 AM
(This post was last modified: 02-06-2013, 11:23 AM by billy.)
remember guys, this is the mild crit forum
hi aj. sorry for not getting back to this sooner.
i like the semi refrain at the beginning and end of each verse. not sure of the form (it's like a 5 line sestina, a quintena perhaps ) but the rhyme pattern works using the same words. reading it a few time, i wonder if a strict meter would enhance it. it does feel a bit forced in places. but were it for me i'd love it.
(11-11-2012, 08:36 PM)cidermaid Wrote: 1930’s woman (for Clare in memory of Phyllis)
Gentle and quiet, gentle and quiet
Meekness and submission and softness of heart.
She will not stray. From her chosen path she will not depart.
Her eyes are not haughty, her words are not proud
And she holds fast to the promise she once avowed.
Softly and quiet, softly and quiet
The words are unspoken that dwell in her heart
No terrors will tempt them, from her lips to depart. this line feels clunky
Her will is set fast and her morals too proud
To abandon the promise that she once avowed.
Broken and quiet, broken and quiet
Her love lies in tatters and shrouds her sad heart
And her hope for fulfilment did long since depart.
But her heart is too stubborn ..…..too proud
To give up on the promise that she once avowed.
Peaceful and quiet, peaceful and quiet
The silence surrounds her; rests well with her heart
As the bonds are all broken and with death do depart.
Integrity intact, her conscience can be proud
That she held fast to the promise that she once avowed.
Empty and quiet, empty and quiet.
She goes through the motions of renewing her heart
Yet from the mould of her past life she cannot depart
For the wounds on her heart are still far too proud
So she holds fast to her promise and continues to wear
…….the sign of her vows.
It’s safer this way….she’ll opt for a quieter life.
