An Eternal Journey

[jonathan1787]

There once was a lonely heart,
which hung by the end of a rope,
although his world was torn apart,
he held on by the smallest hope.

Walking through the endless pain,
another heart comes along his way,
feeling a sensation he can't explain,
he could not find what words to say.

They walk together into the unknown,
taking a small glance at each other,
comfort grows knowing they're not alone,
enjoying the company of one another.

The pain inside was soon replaced,
the hope inside them shines brighter,
a lost feeling they've now embraced,
has made life's burdens become lighter.

Days go by and their feelings are stronger,
moving closer and closer towards love,
the two lonely hearts are alone no longer,
their long lasting love a blessing from above.

Seperated by one's death they mourn,
yet love guards them from further pain,
for in the next life they'll be reborn,
to find and love each other once again.

[brandontoh]

There once was a lonely heart,
which hung by the end of a rope,
although his world was torn apart,
he held on by the smallest hope.

Walking through the endless pain,
another heart comes along his way,
feeling a sensation he can't explain,
he could not find what words to say.

They walk together into the unknown,
taking a small glance at each other,
comfort grows knowing they're not alone,
enjoying the company of one another.

The pain inside was soon replaced,
the hope inside them shines brighter,
a lost feeling they've now embraced,
has made life's burdens become lighter.

Days go by and their feelings are stronger,
moving closer and closer towards love,
the two lonely hearts are alone no longer,
their long lasting love a blessing from above.

Seperated by one's death they mourn,
yet love guards them from further pain,
for in the next life they'll be reborn,
to find and love each other once again.

The whole poem is kind of cliche, to be honest. However, that aside, the poem is actually quite well written. The word choices are apt and appropriate, but try not to repeat words like 'lonely' and 'love' too much. Hope to see more from you! =) Just keep off the cliches next time yeah?

[jonathan1787]

thanks for your input...after taking another look at it...i've actually noticed that i had repeatedly used love many times throughout this poem...so i'll be working on not repeating words that often...thanks again...^_^

[jonathan1787]

thanks for your input...after taking another look at it...i've actually noticed that i had repeatedly used love many times throughout this poem...so i'll be working on not repeating words that often...thanks again...^_^

Hi Jonathan, I enjoyed this love story very much. I came across a couple of lines that tripped me up a bit. For example I feel this line does not flow quite as well as one might like:

"he could not find what words to say"

I would love to see your poem written in freestyle without concern for meter or rhyme. This has good potential and I want to commend you on a very pleasant read.
My best,
Heart

thank you very much for your input...of course rhymes are more of my style...i've never wrote in any other style before...well haikus in 3rd grade but don't remember those...but i wouldn't mind trying something new...so i might try writing without rhyming...thanks