Lost In The Dark

[carnadi88]

“Lost In The Dark”

I’ve been so lost in this detrimental battle called life
That without knowing, my morals were somehow sacrificed
Associating myself with adulterers, thieves, and liars
Whom I’ve let corrupt my mind, soul and desires
Blinded by the need for companionship I called them friends
But they wont be by my side when I face the Lord at the end
I’ll be the one facing Him with my head hung in shame
And I’ll be alone when my Eternal damnation is proclaimed
Until that day I’ll continue to search for my guiding light
Amongst all of this obscurity it should be shining bright
But instead I stumble around painfully in the dark
Each step no matter what the direction is followed by remarks
The voices are numerous, but which one can I trust
Because they all sound accommodating, none are robust
I’m starting to lose my faith along with my mind
A natural reaction when confusion and hopelessness is combined.

[billy]

Hi carnadi.
i like the theme of the poem. that sometimes we become who our friends are. i do think in places you over extend with to much verbiage.

just an example for you to mull over.

In this detrimental battle called life
My morals were somehow sacrificed
Associating with adulterers, thieves, and liar

you could remove most references to self as it's a given that the poem is about the you (1st person)

“Lost In The Dark”

I’ve been so lost in this detrimental battle called life detrimental needs quatifying
That without knowing, my morals were somehow sacrificed
Associating myself with adulterers, thieves, and liars
Whom I’ve let corrupt my mind, soul and desires
Blinded by the need for companionship I called them friends
But they wont be by my side when I face the Lord at the end
I’ll be the one facing Him, with my head hung in shame
And I’ll be alone when my Eternal damnation is proclaimed
Until that day I’ll continue to search for my guiding light
Amongst all of this obscurity it should be shining bright
But instead I stumble around painfully in the dark
Each step no matter what the direction is followed by remarks
The voices are numerous, but which one can I trust
Because they all sound accommodating, none are robust
I’m starting to lose my faith along with my mind
A natural reaction when confusion and hopelessness is combined. are, not is

you need to double check the grammar

[Philatone]

hello carnadi! welcome to the boards

here are some thoughts I had one your piece

“Lost In The Dark”

I’ve been so lost in this detrimental battle called life
That without knowing, my morals were somehow sacrificed
Associating myself with adulterers, thieves, and liars
Whom I’ve let corrupt my mind, soul and desires...to this point, the reader is told what to believe and assume; there is nothing to imagine. for instance, the speaker relates, "my morals were somehow sacrificed...associating myself with adulterers, thieves.." or the corruption of "mind, soul, and desires" without really describing the actions these people did together. all we know is the 'facts' of the situation, but it's the details that connect pieces to readers. Here, there are too few.
Blinded by the need for companionship....comma I called them friends
But they wont be by my side when I face the Lord at the end
I’ll be the one facing Him with my head hung in shame
And I’ll be alone when my Eternal damnation is proclaimed...period
Until that day I’ll continue to search for my guiding light...semi-colon...period (i'm going to stop with the punctuation, but there are other spots where it would be very useful to have it
Amongst all of this obscurity it should be shining bright
But instead I stumble around painfully in the dark
Each step no matter what the direction is followed by remarks
The voices are numerous, but which one can I trust
Because they all sound accommodating, none are robust...this line feels forced, as though it was written more for the rhyme than the content
I’m starting to lose my faith along with my mind
A natural reaction when confusion and hopelessness arecombined.

the poem progresses quickly, maybe a bit too quickly. again, I think that comes from missing details. adding more imagery to the base you have here and really immersing the reader in the experience would work wonders. i think you have the base here. also, be careful with rhymes---some lines read like they were written more to end on a rhyme than add to the poem. i hope some of this may be helpful