My request

[Keith]

1st Draft

I asked you to stop breathing
cease the bellows rhythm,
pretending to soothe base moments,
easy words are lifeless here, wasted on an arid tongue.
Trespassed beyond retreat, rise and fall loop, loop, loop
pressure drops away, bellows broke.

2nd Draft

I asked you to stop breathing
cease the bellows rhythm,
end these morphene moments.
Body now trespassed beyond retreat,
basic in function, rise and fall, rise and fall.
You waited till I slept, I missed your reply.

[TwistedAngel]

am left thinking do you mean you want them to stop breathing or talking ..maybe both ?
an why did the bellows break exactly ? wot made them stop ?

or have i missed the point on whose base moments an arid tongue it is ..in me head i got visions of a smothering pillow

[Keith]

am left thinking do you mean you want them to stop breathing or talking ..maybe both ?
an why did the bellows break exactly ? wot made them stop ?

or have i missed the point on whose base moments an arid tongue it is ..in me head i got visions of a smothering pillow

Smothering pillow is closer to the mark even if verbal, the bellows broke because his breathing stopped.

[billy]

I asked you to stop breathing
cease the bellows rhythm, i like the image here
pretending to soothe base moments,
easy words are lifeless here, wasted on an arid tongue.
Trespassed beyond retreat, rise and fall loop, loop, loop
pressure drops away, bellows broke.

feels like murder, or the asking of it, if so, try and give an image tat leaves us in little doubt what's happening. i also get a feeling that it could just be the break down of life because of age.

thanks for the read,

[Keith]

I asked you to stop breathing
cease the bellows rhythm, i like the image here
pretending to soothe base moments,
easy words are lifeless here, wasted on an arid tongue.
Trespassed beyond retreat, rise and fall loop, loop, loop
pressure drops away, bellows broke.

feels like murder, or the asking of it, if so, try and give an image tat leaves us in little doubt what's happening. i also get a feeling that it could just be the break down of life because of age.

thanks for the read,

Age hits the mark, thanks for the comments, its all clear in my minds eye but I see what you mean, work to do.

[heslopian]

I read the second draft, and the syntax felt very odd, but I'm hesitant to criticise it because I think it may be a deliberate part of the poem, and the last two lines are very effective in their odd expression. An interesting piece, thanks for the read.

[billy]

it has sadness and a feeling of loss
the last line particularly poignant. not a bad edit. it feels more complete now.

that torture tenderness

felt a little over the top and i was wondering if it was even needed?
as 'the morphine moments" carries enough weight on it's own

[Keith]

it has sadness and a feeling of loss
the last line particularly poignant. not a bad edit. it feels more complete now.

that torture tenderness

felt a little over the top and i was wondering if it was even needed?
as 'the morphine moments" carries enough weight on it's own

I agree and gives better balance to the flow, I will tweek second edit
Thanks Billy

[billy]

it feels tighter now.

i think the last line is exceptional within the context of the poem.