Critique this maybe?

[ambustharp]

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Heated and steeped in a ceramic mug
Always seeming to let a little spill
Unexpectedly.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
That burns when sipped too soon or too quickly
In a ritual that is repeated
Nonetheless.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Filled with gritty leaves that swim in circles
Feeling that they are only pollution,
Unnecessary.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
But no one would ever really know it
Because I am diluted and sweetened,
Hoping

[rowens]

I like the way this feels. I don't really care what people say about over-using 'perhaps'; but, anyway, you use it in a way that the repeating of it fades away, or dissolves into the steam off the dark tea. All the images and observations hold together tightly. And the self-portrait is questioning, but hopeful.

[Keith]

I enjoyed this, particularly the way it twists and teases without letting you in.Favourite image-Always seeming to let a little spill. Perhaps-one more stanza before the last that lets me in before making me guess again (or not) as I said I really enjoyed this. Thanks.

[just mercedes]

I liked the read, and the use of sensory stimulation made me see a cup of tea, steaming. The whole poem has a feel of truth to it, so I trust the poet's voice and believe what it tells me - but I became annoyed by the repeated 'perhaps' - then wondered what your poem would be like if I did away with all the qualifying...and wrote the same poem as a bold statement. I have probably shifted meanings in your poem, away from what you intended.

I just wanted to give you some idea of what you can do by removing words that add little to the poem but padding. I hope you don't feel I've been too critical; maybe you weren't looking for a close critique - in which case, please forgive me.


I am bitter like dark tea
steeped in a ceramic mug
spilling
unexpectedly.

I am bitter like dark tea
burning when sipped;
ritually repeated
nonetheless.

I am bitter like dark tea's
gritty leaves circling;
pollution
unnecessary.

I am bitter like dark tea
but no one knows;
diluted and sweetened,
I hope.

[billy]

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Heated and steeped in a ceramic mug
Always seeming to let a little spill
Unexpectedly.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
That burns when sipped too soon or too quickly
In a ritual that is repeated
Nonetheless.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Filled with gritty leaves that swim in circles
Feeling that they are only pollution,
Unnecessary.

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
But no one would ever really know it
Because I am diluted and sweetened,
Hoping

and perhaps you are none of the above? the problem with perhaps, is that it dilutes the poem like sugar dilutes the bitterness. i think it and all poems should have a title. if you called this one perhaps. you could remove all the other perhaps and let the title tote the work back.

i wasn't keen on the singular worded last lines of each stanza as i thing they detracted from the piece. each stanza being summed up for me. perhaps i'm wrong though

overall a good poem.
thanks for the read.

[Philatone]

hello ambusthard

going to agree with billy; the last lines of each stanza let me down a bit.
my only other critique would be that what struck me as some excess words lurked in the lines. an example:

Perhaps I am bitter like a dark tea
Filled with gritty leaves that swim in circles
Feeling that they are only pollution,
Unnecessary.

the second line could be shortened to "filled with circles of gritty leaves". words like "that" can sap a lot of energy.

besides that, i like the imagery and word choice in general

[heslopian]

The tea analogy is effective, and I liked the refrain. I enjoy poems which don't ramble but deal with one image or idea and create something focused and unique. Thanks for the read.