Tragic Villains

[heslopian]

A slowly turning face in a dark room,
like some terrible flower opening,
reveals the extent of a man's disfigurement.

My favourite villains are always fucked up
by one of chance's games,
emerging from the wake of pain
with faces gouged. I can't love a madman
unless he's been hurt.

The road to evil is paved not with good intentions
but a writer's contrivances; the soul of God
looking down and divining a crash.
A man's heart can be malleable,
changed beyond recognition by random hands.

And when like a flower he unfolds himself anew
you will see just dementia and pain.

[rowens]

The last word of the third line might have a typo. And there's that little bit of fate vs. artifice in the part about God and contrivances, where a theme seems to be suddenly acknowledged and then dropped. It seems like you're simply stating the obvious in a lot of words that appear to be developing what's already been developed. But it seems too that all of it is happening in the moment of someone watching a scene in a movie when a villain's new appearance is revealed for the first time. So the poem is a captured feeling of a moment being rolled out into words. That you're developing a quick feeling, elaborating on it; because the speaker is present with opinions and emotions. It feels drawn out a little far, like this critique might feel. Like it's straining to stretch. It seems like it should be more difficult than it is.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your great feedback rowens You're right about the typo; I'll edit that in a mo. This poem feels very fragmented and rambling to me. I may return to this theme to see if I can discuss it more artfully.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

I think it's S3 that needs the work.

S1: I love it especially some terrible flower opening. I actually think you can cut the like...you've set up the metaphor in L1 so the simile doesn't seem as strong.

S2: Great tone in the first line. L2 strikes me as unnessasary summary. It would better to have more gory disfigurement examples or how it came to happen. Chance is too shorthand--no punch. L3 same with wake of pain. I'd like more specificity. L4-5 were right on point, loved them.

S3: hmm...maybe kill L1 condense "The soul of God is a writer's contrivance" L3 works well...L4-5 you don't need malleable and changed. Random seems off too both God and a writer are creators we're talking providence, albeit twisted.

S4: great first line here. I think the second line falls flat with the pain and dementia. Maybe end the poem on see.

It may be hard to tell from the comments Jack, but I think it's a cool concept. I really like what you're going for. I hope some of this will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

A slowly turning face in a dark room,
like some terrible flower opening,
reveals the extent of a man's disfigurement. thats richard burtons pock marked face in the "villains" though it wasn't that badly disfigured okay maybe not but it's a great image (okay, the villain in for your eyes only (james bond)

My favourite villains are always fucked up
by one of chance's games,
emerging from the wake of pain
with faces gouged. I can't love a madman
unless he's been hurt.

The road to evil is paved not with good intentions this feels too contrived from the real cliche
but a writer's contrivances; the soul of God
looking down and divining a crash.
A man's heart can be malleable,
changed beyond recognition by random hands.

And when like a flower he unfolds himself anew
you will see just dementia and pain. and joy if it's the joker

great poem jack. the reworking of the road to hell cliche felt like it fell short in quality in regards to the rest of the piece. does it need to be contrivances or would contrivance do?
a worthy poem

thanks for the read

[Indie]

A slowly turning face in a dark room, A face turns slowly in a dark room
like some terrible flower opening, I understand what you mean, but IMO there must be a stronger more evocative work than terrible. Maybe carnivorous, like those venus fly traps though I don't know if that is the imagery you had in mind.
reveals the extent of a man's disfigurement. revealing the extent of the (possessive in context, in replacement of "a") man's disfigurement

My favourite villains are always fucked up
by one of chance's games,
emerging from the wake of pain
with faces gouged. I can't love a madman move the new sentence to the next line?
unless he's been hurt.

The road to evil is paved not with good intentions
but a writer's contrivances; the soul of God
looking down and divining a crash.
A man's heart can be malleable,
changed beyond recognition by random hands.

And when like a flower he unfolds himself anew
you will see just dementia and pain. IMO in this context dementia doesn't work in the way I think you want it to

Hey Jack, I like the idea of this of this one, but I think it could be a lot stronger in imagery and message.

[addy]

Just watched Phantom of the Opera with my sister, so this is very relevant

A slowly turning face in a dark room,
like some terrible flower opening,
reveals the extent of a man's disfigurement. Great opening. I love the narrative voice, like the scene is being read from a script (or as we later see being viewed by an audience). The overall effect is like watching an old black and white horror film.

My favourite villains are always fucked up
by one of chance's games,
emerging from the wake of pain
with faces gouged. I can't love a madman
unless he's been hurt. Again, an entertaining stanza . Maybe you could move L2 to the end of the stanza instead, but that is a very minor nit. It works well as is.

The road to evil is paved not with good intentions
but a writer's contrivances; the soul of God How about "God's soul"? Though i understand it would change the emphasis a bit and thus the meaning, so you might not go for it
looking down and divining a crash.
A man's heart can be malleable,
changed beyond recognition by random hands.

And when like a flower he unfolds himself anew
you will see just dementia and pain. This last line let you down. However I really enjoyed the rest of it immensely.

[heslopian]

Thank you all for your great feedback I'll see if I can utilise some of it.

[nightshade255]

haha excellent read!

This poem expresses entirely why I can love a character like the Joker, their destructive personalities are beautiful in the fact that they are reflections of their past, and you cannot hate someone who is insane when their reasons are as intelligent as they are painful and horrific.

[Alden]

I love this subject and I love a lot of the ideas, but I have to say that I'm not in love with the style. The road to hell and opening like a flower are both somewhat cliched phrases and there is very little suspense or surprise in this poem. Right now it reads like a poetically stated analysis rather than a poem.

Specificity is the key to unlocking this poem. What does the disfigurement look like? If it's several examples, then give me several examples. Feel free to be as bloody and unpleasant as possible. And then repeat that but with the heart and then with his psyche/identity. Or you could run contrasting images - delving into the beauty of a flower and the hideousness of the villain... you can follow the flower to a patch of nature imagery. Wherever you decide to go, describe it vividly. Don't think about avoiding cliches, think about how you can describe the EXACT image in your head.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind words and incisive feedback, nightshade and Alden I hope we'll be seeing more of each other around the site, when I can be bothered to get off my arse and contribute