Crust

[Alden]

version 2.0

A threshold,
not a line,
holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos
of air.

Beneath the placid lie
of endless pebble pulp,
dormant seas of fire
reckless rock barges
collide and split
this imaginary
"line."

In this way...

Does time slowly curve to meet itself again
enfolding an implacable force
that our tools, tread, and seeking
cannot know?

How many circuits shall we run
'till time reveals its horrid
awe?

[rowens]

Seems like a decent poem to me. Seems a litte wordy; but I'm wordy too, when I'm in a bad mood. Nothing excessive here, for a serious poem about thinking. I think time is an infinite "irregular" spiral, including all that's in time and all that's not. Including itself, and what's not itself. The poem sounds nice when you read it out loud.

[billy]

Hi alden. the firsdt thing i noticed was
crust
crust. which begs me to ask is the first line needed?

Crust

It is a threshold,
not a line,
that holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos
of air. i like the opening stanza. it creates a good image of both sides. of the real world and the metaphorical turmoil and calm we have inside us.

Beneath the placid lie good enjambment
of endless pebble pulp,
dormant seas of fire
carry reckless rock barges great image
that collide and split
this imaginary
"line." This stanza sort of contradicts the first one but that's okay as it's made to feel solid

Is this so with time?

Does time slowly curve to meet itself again
in a semi-sphere, the earth is a sphere, not a semi sphere.
enfolding an implacable force?

This fool cannot help but ask: not sure if this and the rest of the poem works, it feels forced. i think the the implacable (good word choice) force would be a solid end to the poem.
How long can it keep?

How long will time
last?

i'm not sure time is as relevant as it's portrayed here, to a poem called crust. I suppose it plays a part on the metaphorical side of the poem but even then, it feels too disconnected. some of the images are excellent.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

This is pretty cool Alden. The poem reminds me of those textbook pictures of the earth carved into its various artificial layers. We walk upon the smallest part of the Earth's crust and assume that we understand everything we can't see. The poem seems to use that as a metaphor for how we experience time. It's nicely done.

version 1.1

It is a threshold,
not a line, --in other words it is something to pass over or through not something to follow. This works with both sides of the metaphor as time may not actually be linear either
that holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos
of air. --I liked both the phrasing and contrast in these last four lines

Beneath the placid lie --much happens under the earth or out of sight. The appearance of something solid and predictable
of endless pebble pulp, --normally I wouldn't like endless here as it if eels like one too many modifiers. However, it ties into time well so I'd leave it.
dormant seas of fire--like this
carry reckless rock barges--not sure if you need rock
that collide and split--nice dual meaning of split with the break here.
this imaginary
"line."

Is this so with time? --do you need this line. It may not be a better substitute but maybe simple an "in this way" after curve. Just a thought

Does time slowly curve to meet itself again
in a(n almost) sphere,
enfolding an implacable force?--nice bringing the two streams of thought together

This fool cannot help but ask:
How long can it keep?

How long will time
last? I keep wanting to replace time with it. The parallel structure sounds better. That said, I'm resisting that suggestion because I like time last

I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[just mercedes]

version 1.1

(It is) a threshold,
not a line,
(that) holds the totality
of solid earth
and ends the weightless chaos (lovely sounds)
of air.

Beneath the placid lie
of endless pebble pulp, (do you need all these adjectives? 3 in 8 words)
dormant seas of fire
carry reckless rock barges (again, adjectives)
that collide and split
this imaginary
"line."

Is this so with time? ( I like the direct address with a question, but this is a little clunky)

Does time slowly curve to meet itself again (again? it's done it before?)
in a(n almost) sphere, (you don't need that qualification)
enfolding an implacable force?

This fool cannot help but ask: (I don't think you need this line at all)
How long can it keep? ( I like this - time as a perishable commodity)

How long will time
last?) ( I'm not sure this single word line works - there's a lot of pressure on the ending of a poem. You want to go out with a bang rather than a whimper.)


I like the extended metaphor comparing the earth to time itself, and the thought of magma at the heart of time is original and vivid to me.


But I'm puzzled by how the title could refer to time, as well as the earth, since the poem creates their similarity. A crust of time?

Very thoughtful poem - you use the most elemental substances to describe the most abstract idea. 'the weightless chaos/of air' is one of those -I wish I'd written that - moments.

Thank you for the read.

[Alden]

Love these comments guys... I know that my stuff is not always the most accessible read, so thanks for slogging through.

Three sections seem to be the main problem spots

#1 the overload on descriptors in stanza 2

#2 the ham-fisted transition that is stanza 3

#3 the ending.

Todd:

I like the general motion of your suggestion about problem #2. The straight-up question has to go no matter what...

Just Mercedes:

I think I will take your suggestions retanza 1

1 question about your comment on line 16, do you mean the whole line or just the parenthetical?

In re: problem #1: I think the modifiers add a certain sonic quality to that stanza that I like, but I totally get what you guys are driving at. I simultaneously love and hate "reckless rock barges" for that reason... I don't think it can survive as is, but I'm not exactly sure what to do there.

[just mercedes]

Hi - I meant lose 'almost' so the line reads 'in a sphere' - you're allowed to use metaphor.

Could you put the edited version underneath, rather than edit directly? Please? It's good to see how other poets work, and if I can see the changes, it teaches me too.