First Poem

[CoffeeSpoons]

Hi all. I've never tried my hand at poetry before, never particularly been drawn to writing it as it is something I never felt I could get a handle on.

However after listening to a piece of music yesterday this just kind of came out and I felt compelled to write it down.

This is the first draft of the poem and the first poem I've ever written. It has no title yet and I don't think it's completely finished. There is still some work that has to be done to it.

And if anyone is interested in the piece of music it was written to, it is "New Orleans Instrumental No. 1 [Automatic for the People]" by R.E.M

Thanks


Time took off out the door and down the street.
I rolled over, hit the alarm and put the snooze on
It knocked over a pram,
Pushed a woman to her knees,
I was still fumbling around putting my shoes on.
It doesn't discriminate in its hate
And has no problem showing you its selfish side,
A dizzying merry-go-round, life is a helpless ride.
I'm not alone in my contempt for it too,
However all that being said, all that being true
All I want is to spend more time with you.
But now I'm at the checkout, the credit cards are maxed
I hear nothing but the nagging noise of time elapsed
I turn out my holey pockets, all I find are old receipts.
I double check them, I don't remember that.
How can you spend so much on seats?
Behind big screens surfing, Facebook and twittering,
In dark rooms with loud noises,
Did we honestly use that amount bickering?
I want an explanation.
And to not have to beg for it out of desperation
But there is nothing I can offer it.
No currency it takes.
It is simple yet preposterous
How often it forsakes
Those of us who would go back and use it wisely
But the way its run away makes me think it might despise me.
So it's not surprising
When I kick up a fuss and demand a refund
Not even a full one
Give me fifty percent.
Is that too much to ask?
It all came and went
And it did so far too fast?
One trivial pursuit after another
I've chased them all.
From the million dollar schemes
To wanting to play for a football team.
Even the rockstar lifestyle, down to the leather jacket,
messy hair, doc martins...torn jeans.
Yet they never belonged to me, I swallowed societies dreams
The obvious was oblivious
Now I see there is only one place I should have been.
By your side, buy the ticket take the ride.
I stood still at the station while everyone else got inside.
"Last call! All aboard!" I was frozen and it passed me by
I should have got on board, took your hand, gone inside
I could have taken control, stood firm and refused to hide
But now my indecision's mean I have no more time to decide.
My feet are bound, my hands are tied.
Now all I'll have are regrets for company when my time is up and I have died.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Original Version:

Time waits for no man, cares for no child, nor loves any woman.
It is selfish and wanting, subjective and haunting,
But time is all I want with you.
I'm at the checkout, the credit cards are maxed
I hear nothing but the nagging noise of time elapsed
I turn out my holey pockets, all I find are old receipts.
I double check them, I don't remember that.
How can you spend so much on seats?
Behind big screens surfing,
In dark rooms with loud noises,
TV's flickering.
What a waste.
Did we honestly use that amount bickering?
I want an explanation.
And to not have to beg for it out of desperation
But there is nothing I can offer it.
No currency it takes.
It is simple yet preposterous
How often it forsakes
Those of us who would go back and use it wisely
But the way its run away makes me think it might despise me.
So it's not surprising
When I kick up a fuss and demand a refund
Not even a full one
Give me fifty percent.
Is that too much to ask?
It all came and went
And it did so far too fast?
One trivial pursuit after another
I've chased them all.
From the million dollar schemes
To wanting to play for a football team.
Even the rockstar lifestyle, down to the leather jacket,
messy hair, doc martins...torn jeans.
Yet they never belonged to me, I swallowed societies dreams
The obvious was oblivious
Now I see there is only one place I should have been.

[billy]

Hi coffeespoons.
is there a more original way of time waits for no man...it's too old a cliche to start a poem off with.
something along the lines of;
Time hangs for no man
or
Time rests for no man

the rest of the opening line is solid. so is the rest of the poem. there are a couple of lines i think you could cut and in doing so add to the poem (Lines 11 and 12) don't add anything as it's already implied above.
there are some really good lines in the poem and if this is your first poem, you're future as a poet bodes well .
make sure you try your hand at giving feedback to theirs
thanks for the read.

[addy]

Welcome coffeespoons . Always nice to see someone taking their first steps into writing poetry

My interpretation of this is about someone who's having a personal crisis against the backdrop of a relationship; in the end it's predominantly about self-questioning and about his personal frustrations. I liked the intimate little details and touches that made the narrator more human to me. I think the poems high points are when it uses concrete imagery to express the story. It is less successful when it relies and overloads on abstractions --- "It is selfish and wanting, subjective and haunting" ... [undefined=undefined]"It is simple yet preposterous"[/undefined]... as a reader I'm not that interested in being told, I'd rather you try to express the contradicting feelings in your own way, using your own vision. Thanks very much for the read

[CoffeeSpoons]

Thanks for the feedback. I've added to the beginning and made some changes. I'm going to edit my original post and include the added material.

Let me know what you think.

Thanks

Spoons.

[billy]

hi spoons, do you have the original to compare it to?
if so place under the edit in the first post and mark it original, mark the edit 1st edit etc
other wise we wont see the changes, (our memories are too good )

great to see you giving feedback

[CoffeeSpoons]

hi spoons, do you have the original to compare it to?
if so place under the edit in the first post and mark it original, mark the edit 1st edit etc
other wise we wont see the changes, (our memories are too good )

great to see you giving feedback

Added the original version.

[TwistedAngel]

i see this as a human being waking up from the bullshit of the rat race an that need to 'fit in'

an i LOVE it..tho is sad that it took so long init

an as much billy nauses me with his cliche ..i begrudingly admit he wos right an you rewrite of the first line is really cool

all it needs now is a wikid title

[vrgd]

I like the narrative in the beginning. I think you could have shortened the rest into a few strong lines otherwise it seems a little like a rant to me. Well done overall!

[CoffeeSpoons]

I've just added to the end of the poem. It's getting a tad too long perhaps. Might take what I have and try tighten it up in some areas. Thanks for all the feedback.

[just mercedes]

Hi CoffeeSpoons - welcome, and good for you, to write your first poem. It's great to see you take on board many of the suggestions, and revise your poem. Now you yourself start to see what it needs next!

Yes, I think you're on the right track with it, and it could still do with trimming - tweaking - whatever you want to call it. You can't do too much of that.

Remember Paul Valery - "Poems are never finished - just abandoned"

[billy]

really good edit spoons.

you can tighten it up further, by letting the reader do some of the work:

Time took off out the door and down the street.
I rolled over, hit the alarm and put the snooze on

Time took off down the street.
I rolled over and hit the snooze button (just a suggestion for you to think about.)

you can do the same in other places, leaving some of the work to the reader adds tension and often depth. (different readers see different thing)

it can't be quantified but i agree that you could remove some of it. (as much as you possibly can)

It doesn't discriminate in its hate
And has no problem showing you its selfish side,
A dizzying merry-go-round, life is a helpless ride.
I'm not alone in my contempt for it too,
However all that being said, all that being true

the above lines are mainly fluff, packaging that doesn't really add anything. in fact it hides what you really want to say.

don't bother with the rhyme just yet, work on getting the thing solid. then work on the rhyme changing little bits where needed.

a really good effort with the edit.