Petroleum men

[Chaotic Body]

Petroleum-weavers;
Petroleum-feeders.
Oxygen-sleepers;
Petroleum-keepers.

Petroleum plastic;
Petroleum-sound-speakers.
Petroleum-kitchens;
Petroleum-food-cleavers.

In this petroleum-running
Heart, you will find
The love and adoration of
Fellow petroleum-man.

Petroleum-eaters;
Petroleum-bleeders.
Oxygen-thinkers;
Petroleum-breathers.

In this petroleum-running
Nation, you will find
The silent dependence of
The petroleum-lifestyle.

Petroleum bird-guts;
Petroleum-waters.
Petroleum-ice-caps;
Petroleum-whalers.

Petroleum-poor? -
Petroleum-speakers.
Petroleum-war;
Petroleum-weepers.


-(end)-


all comments & criticism welcome

I think I'm communicating very well here. I tried to be very clear. Please tell me what you are gleaning from the particular use of grammar; the meanings you take away- particularly lines like "Petroleum-bleeders".

thanks

[billy]

Petroleum-weavers;
Petroleum-feeders.
Oxygen-sleepers; why this line?
Petroleum-keepers.

Petroleum plastic;
Petroleum-sound-speakers. is sound needed?
Petroleum-kitchens;
Petroleum-food-cleavers.

In this petroleum-running not sure if 'this' works best. maybe 'the' would be a better option
Heart, you will find
The love and adoration of
Fellow petroleum-man. fellow feels redundant

Petroleum-eaters;
Petroleum-bleeders.
Oxygen-thinkers; i don't think this line fits in. and i don't see it as a any sort of counterbalance either as there's not enough of it. (re this and the other oxygen line.)
Petroleum-breathers.

In this petroleum-running
Nation, you will find
The silent dependence of 'a' instead of 'the' if only to break the two 'the's' up
The petroleum-lifestyle.

Petroleum bird-guts;
Petroleum-waters.
Petroleum-ice-caps;
Petroleum-whalers.

Petroleum-poor? -
Petroleum-speakers.
Petroleum-war;
Petroleum-weepers.


-(end)-


all comments & criticism welcome

I think I'm communicating very well here. I tried to be very clear. Please tell me what you are gleaning from the particular use of grammar; the meanings you take away- particularly lines like "Petroleum-bleeders".

thanks

it has an impact and for that reason alone it has worth. i'm not sure the two rhetorical stanza help the poems where they are, maybe one as the first and one as the last stanza would be better placements. not sure any question marks are needed nor most of the hyphens.
as far as list poetry goes it's okay but list poems aren't something i'm keen on so i may be biased.

thanks for the read, don't forget to leave feedback elsewhere

[addy]

This reminds me a bit of Radiohead's "Fake Plastic Trees", but the metaphor there is personally reflective whereas this speaks about the broad machinery of the world. Less about human pain and more about humanity in general.

Petroleum-weavers;
Petroleum-feeders.
Oxygen-sleepers;
Petroleum-keepers.

Petroleum plastic;
Petroleum-sound-speakers.
Petroleum-kitchens;
Petroleum-food-cleavers. I'm perhaps being too literal here, but I thought the inclusion of this stanza would have been more logical if this was the poem's opening, then leading up to "petroleum weavers// ... etc". But it isn't, so i find this stanza unnecessary: you could skip this part and jump right to S3 without missing much of your message as already established. That's my take, anyway

In this petroleum-running
Heart, you will find
The love and adoration of "love and adoration" don't contrast enough for me in this context, so it seems somehow redundant
Fellow petroleum-man.

Petroleum-eaters;
Petroleum-bleeders.
Oxygen-thinkers;
Petroleum-breathers. I love this part. ("oxygen thinkers // petroleum breathers"). In spirit and in dreams, people have so much potential, but we tend to fall short of our aspirations

In this petroleum-running
Nation, you will find
The silent dependence of
The petroleum-lifestyle. Maybe this needs an image? This declaration is somehow not as powerful as it could be. "silent dependence" is descriptive, but not evocative enough (words like "bondage" are evocative, for example).

Petroleum bird-guts;
Petroleum-waters.
Petroleum-ice-caps;
Petroleum-whalers.

Petroleum-poor? -
Petroleum-speakers. speakers? Are these people?
Petroleum-war;
Petroleum-weepers.

Thanks for the read

[Lightbaron]

for me it is not very clear. clear in that petroleum is everywhere, but if it weaves,eats,breathes,whales,becomes bird guts and such why does it just list itself. I don't sense a political or humanitarian reaction or an acceptance of its invasiveness. simply a list.

[Alden]

I like the earlier comment about Radiohead as these do look like song lyrics. The image flow here is strong, though I'd question if "petroleum plastic" is needed as an explanation for that stanza. The last stanza is a little disappointing... though I have no specifics, it just doesn't feel resolved. maybe the problem lies before.

Suggestions: Since this is totally a crunchy granola piece anyway, why not go full bore and call it a "meat cleaver"? I've always loved the sound of those words (just the sound... sounds cool, really concrete image)

and... maybe you could add some parentheses e e cummings style.

for example:

In this (petroleum-running)
Heart, you will find
the adoration of
Fellow (petroleum-) man

ooooh ooooh! or

In (this petroleum-running
Nation you will find
The silent) -dependence (of
The petroleum lifestyle)

Sorry if that was presumtuous, but I think playing with it a bit would be fun and could improve it.