Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
Still white fire of pearl spring petals
fluttering away in another autumn
There in the haze of long western light
sleepily glowing above the cliffs you
reminded me of a fallen nestling and
I held you in my hands like a stunned sparrow
marveling the speed at which you fell
after your budding, the branch shaking
away everything without moving at all
in piles of petals like pink-frayed feathers
It is said even now you are rotting
all ship-wrecked in a green bladed sea
sinking into the ocean you will become
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-07-2010, 10:00 AM)Larry Wrote: Still white fire of pearl spring petals
fluttering away in another autumn
There in the haze of long western light
sleepily glowing above the cliffs you
reminded me of a fallen nestling and
I held you in my hands like a stunned sparrow
marveling the speed at which you fell
after your budding, the branch shaking
away everything without moving at all
in piles of petals like pink-frayed feathers
It is said even now you are rotting
all ship-wrecked in a green bladed sea
sinking into the ocean you will become
not to change really. except said to sad in L5 of the second stanza.
petals was reiterated, for me it wasn't a problem to the read.
for me some of the caps seem out of joint.
should L4 begin with a cap in the 2nd stanza?
should L& begin with a cap?
would the you on L5 be better beginning L6 ?
as for the content, i really enjoyed it.
particularly L3, L4 of the 1st stanza and
L4 and 6 of the 2nd stanza.
you write like you've been doing it a long time. it's always a pleasure to read your poetry. thanks.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
It might be just me but I found it too wordy? I don't mean that the lines are too long (indeed, some of the best poetry is very wordy) but that I found some of your phrases and sentences a little long-winded (then again, maybe I'm just not a fan of too many adjectives).
That said, your imagery was beautiful and I loved that ending. It gave me chills in a good way, it was striking and haunting and original. Very good work with this one.
(04-07-2010, 10:00 AM)Larry Wrote: Still white fire of pearl spring petals
fluttering away in another autumn
There in the haze of long western light
sleepily glowing above the cliffs you
reminded me of a fallen nestling and
I held you in my hands like a stunned sparrow
marveling the speed at which you fell
after your budding, the branch shaking
away everything without moving at all
in piles of petals like pink-frayed feathers
It is said even now you are rotting
all ship-wrecked in a green bladed sea
sinking into the ocean you will become
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
