Over-salted

[Philatone]

V. 2

over-salted

The recipe has gone missing,
your sheet of loose-leaf flowered
with ink lace. Tasting of absence,
the cobbler capsized
into layers of tissues and peach
peels in a garbage can, the lost words
voiceless as laughter in a frame.


V. 1

over-salted

The recipe has gone missing,
the loose-leaf your pen flowered
with ink lace. The taste of your absence
capsized the cobbler, sinking it
into layers of tissues and peach
peels in the garbage,
the lost words hanging,
voiceless as laughter in a frame.

[billy]

no nits here geoff.
the last line makes it extremely sad and poignant.
i like that it leaves the reader open to put their own slant on why the person has gone.
either way it depicts a death of one kind or another.
thanks for the read.

[popeye]

Thanks for the read Geoff, very much enjoyed your word usage, cheers!

[Lottie90]

I agree, quite a poignant ending and an effective poem. However, you've posted for a serious critique so I shall try and deliver

The recipe has gone missing,
the loose-leaf your pen flowered
with ink lace. The taste of your absence 'Ink lace' on the face of it is a nice image, but then when I think about it more I can't actually imagine it. It seems like a bit of an overcooked, over literary metaphor that doesn't have a tangible image attached. While it sounds pretty for me it does nothing. Also, the use of 'the' repeatedly is a tiny bit clunky. You have 'the recipe', 'the loose-leaf' and 'the taste' all following one another.
capsized the cobbler, sinking it
into layers of tissues and peach
peels in the garbage, I love this image! Especially the capsized cobbler. Very good.
the lost words hanging,
voiceless as laughter in a frame.

This is a good poem, with a few tweaks it could be great. Some of the images are really fantastic. My last nit pick is the phrase 'the taste of your absence' that precludes the wonderful image of the capsized cobbler. I know what you're trying to say, and it's very nearly almost there but at the same time there is something missing. I want more, how the ingredients used were too heavy, like her absence, over powering the food with sorrow. I know I'm rambling but I hope that makes sense!

[just mercedes]

The recipe has gone missing, has gone or missing, not both
the loose-leaf your pen flowered nice play with sounds and imagery
with ink lace. The taste of your absence ditto
capsized the cobbler, sinking it great impact
into layers of tissues and peach
peels in the garbage,I like the line break used for double meaning
the lost words hanging,
voiceless as laughter in a frame. great strong imagery to end with

I like the gentle tone, and the use of real objects to show loss. I too once had loose recipes from my mother, mine were tucked into the front of The Joy of Cooking. The ink lace I saw as paper worn in holes along the folded edge, but I'm happy for it to be the look of looped writing on paper.

I really like 'the taste of your absence' and all the sounds echoing each other here. I'm letting taste capsize something because you use synesthesia elsewhere in your poem. I like the tension of opposites you achieve with the line break, the contrast between peaches in tissue, and peels in the garbage is strong. This line is also talking about death and loss.

The second to last line is the one I have most trouble with. I'm not sure why, I'll come back again.

This is a good poem - thank you for the read!

[Todd]

Hi Geoff,

I think one of the best parts of the poem is the title. The title is a metaphor for the one partner who's going alone with the other person gone. They try to move in the old familiar patterns, but the result is over-salted. From the outside everything may look the same, but it's not.

The recipe has gone missing,
the loose-leaf your pen flowered--I really liked pen flowered
with ink lace. The taste of your absence--ink lace is nice. It's an interesting way to describe a delicate writing style
capsized the cobbler, sinking it--I'm unsure about a taste collapsing something. I don't mind taste of your absence, but from a cause and effect standpoint it doesn't connect for me
into layers of tissues and peach--I like this line and the break. Optionally, you could pull up into layers to the previous line. Just a thought nothing more.
peels in the garbage,
the lost words hanging,--consider cutting hanging
voiceless as laughter in a frame.--I love this line. Great ending

Nice poem Geoff. I enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

billy
-thanks for the time and read. hope the edit finds you just as well

popeye
-glad you enjoyed the words! thanks for reading

lottie
-hello! welcome to the site, it's nice to have you and your feedback. have taken your thoughts into consideration, especially with regard to the articles. still debating about the 'lace'. appreciate your time.

mercedes
-appreciate your thoughts. debating about the first line. I'm glad you could connect with this

todd
-i appreciated your comments about the title especially; everything else is helpful as well, of course. removed the "hanging," tried adjusting the "taste" part. thanks for your time

[rowens]

Maybe a comma after "loose-leaf". Otherwise, I like how the shape of the poem relates to the shape of the cobbler, and possibly the speaker.

The comma isn't a very important addition, after you get adjusted to the flow of the lines.

[billy]

i like the edit a lot, only minor changes yet it has a finer clarity the other doesn't
the main part of the edit being the hanging section, the last two line have more power
in this version. good edit Geoff.
thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Geoff, I'm a fan of the edit. It's a tighter piece, and the edit cleared up the minor issues I was having. No nits from me.

Best,

Todd

[just mercedes]

I like your edit.