Supine

[Lottie90]

Supine

I lay, supine, somewhere between faith
And infidelity.
Lip to lip I stole the toothpick from
Between your Scrabble tile teeth and
whispered ‘trust me'.

I lied,
In the half moon, nail marked silence,
My fingertips cracked each vertebrate back.
A bubble wrap salute in time
with the
headboard
and the
wall.

I lay, unsatisfied, a tremor of
Impatience rumbling through my thighs,
shifting the bone white tectonics in my feet.

I lie, supine.

[billy]

Supine

I lay, supine, somewhere between faith not sure if the this first supine is needed, being so close to the title
And infidelity.
Lip to lip I stole the toothpick from
Between your Scrabble tile teeth and what a great image, (i presume they're like the blank ones )
whispered ‘trust me'.

I lied,
In the half moon, nail marked silence,
My fingertips cracked each vertebrate back.
A bubble wrap salute in time
with the
headboard
and the
wall.

I lay, unsatisfied, a tremor of
Impatience rumbling through my thighs,
shifting the bone white tectonics in my feet.

I lie, supine.

considering there was no overt mention of sex, i found the piece pretty erotic, if sexually unsatisfying. i have no constructive feedback bar the small nit, loved the bubble wrap image for creating that certain sound.

i like how i'm left thinking why did she fake it. tying it in with the title i wandered off into thinking of hookers.

good solid poem
thanks for the read Lottie.

[rowens]

I think the word "supine" could be taken out of the lines. The title is explained and expressed in the poem well enough without it. The poem illustrates how these women cut themselves short, forcing themselves to be liars to liars; and both calling that love. The woman in this case is a slave to her confusing emotions, and this poem captures that truth. But if you could make a poem that transcends that frustrating state of things, I'd personally find that inspiring.--You can't have faith in a human being, if they are liars and hold you down in life, you either love them enough or you don't, and they love enough or they don't. If you love to hate them, that's bound to get confusing; unless you also love what you hate. I feel that the objects described, the tiles and the moon and the nails and the headboard and the wall, are used to both show how the woman is disassociated from the act, and to wall herself up in the scenery of the moment by way of bad faith. You get the feel she's composing this poem in her head as the other is sweating and only concerned about getting off. You can fall in love with anything, even the chicks on your farm that you're raising for food. The question is, can you stand in love?--Then again, it might just be the sex is bad, and she's only lying about that. But it seems more than that.

[Todd]

I always open a new thread from someone I haven't read yet and think: "I hope I like this." In your case, yeah, it's pretty good. Welcome to the site! Here are some comments for you:

Supine

I lay, supine, somewhere between faith--Others have commented on this but I'd pull supine from the first line the title already does the work for you. I also think you might want to break after between it feels stronger than on faith.
And infidelity.
Lip to lip I stole the toothpick from--Maybe keep it in present tense with steal
Between your Scrabble tile teeth and--I like the Scrabble tile image. It has the shape of teeth and gives the sense of how the person may communicate and use words. It's versatile.
whispered ‘trust me'.--wonderful break given the I lied in the next strophe.

I lied,
In the half moon, nail marked silence,--love nail marked silence
My fingertips cracked each vertebrate back.--feels like the punctuation should be maybe a dash instead of a period
A bubble wrap salute in time--bubble wrap is a beautiful image for the crack of the vertebrate
with the
headboard
and the
wall.

I lay, unsatisfied, a tremor of--unsatisfied is too telly and unneeded with what you have here
Impatience rumbling through my thighs,
shifting the bone white tectonics in my feet.--love the rest of this

I lie, supine.--again not liking supine. I think it's much stronger to end on lie

Very nice piece Lottie.

Best,

Todd

[Lottie90]

Thank you for all of your comments and critiques.

I think you're right, I'm going to pull supine from the poem all together - it doesn't really add much.

I'll give it a rewrite and then repost the revised version and see what you guys think.

Thanks again for all of your comments!

[billy]

looking forward to seeing more of your poetry Lottie

[addy]

Welcome Lottie Looks like I'm late to the party

I really like the imagery you used. It's all very neutral and clean... I won't say sanitized, because it isn't, but there's a compulsive attention to detail that lends a kind of numbness to the scene. Not unemotional, but controlled. There's tension (despite the title being "supine"), while the sex part happens quietly as background noise.

Supine

I lay, supine, somewhere between faith
And infidelity.
Lip to lip I stole the toothpick from
Between your Scrabble tile teeth and i like the combination of toothpick and scrabble tile. As i said, there's a nondescript neutrality to it while being intriguing
whispered ‘trust me'.

I lied,
In the half moon, nail marked silence,
My fingertips cracked each vertebrate back.
A bubble wrap salute in time
with the
headboard
and the
wall. again, good imagery, and nice use of stuttered rhythm to suggest the action

I lay, unsatisfied, a tremor of This is afterwards, yes? Other than the tense shift, there's no overt break to suggest this. Unless you use the "I lay//" "I lied//" more overtly as standalone scene breaks
Impatience rumbling through my thighs,
shifting the bone white tectonics in my feet.

I lie, supine.