Paints The Sky

[Mr. Brown]

She paints the sky with white and blue,
With a stroke of her hand, a paradise for two.
She paints the sky, where our love reigns true.
But now she paints the sky with shifting clouds, dark colors, shades, and hues.
What has happened here, in our paradise, just me and you?
The sun has set, in this idealistic world, now bleeding down the canvas, lost and untrue.
She has raped my sky, with lines, foreign colors, and haikus.
She riddles me lies, promising if my heart stays true,
The sun will rise again, in this monstrosity, built in the minds of we two.
Next time she strokes the brush, I expect bright colors, shades, and hues.
But this time something unexpected happens,
This time,
She paints the sky,
Monsoon.

[addy]

I like the idea in this piece. I'm a visual person, so I enjoyed imagining color palettes. There are a few odd cliches, but I think the main issue here is the forced rhymes... there is no consistent meter, and you are breaking your lines at points that don't really enhance the piece, just to service the end rhyme. I would enjoy reading this piece with a more consistent form, so its up to you to decide what you want to do with it (fix up the meter or go free verse). This is just my initial reaction to it.

She paints the sky with white and blue, Given that you are apparently describing past actions, should this be "painted the sky"?
With a stroke of her hand, a paradise for two.
She paints the sky, where our love reigns true.
But now she paints the sky with shifting clouds, dark colors, shades, and hues. May have overloaded with descriptors here... I think you would agree that they got redundant
What has happened here, in our paradise, just me and you?
The sun has set, in this idealistic world, now bleeding down the canvas, lost and untrue. Here is an example of my trouble with the rhyming as it is now... the sun bleeding down the canvas is a good image; "lost and untrue" adds nothing except a rhyme, and ultimately weakens the impact of the line. there are several examples of this throughout the poem
She has raped my sky, with lines, foreign colors, and haikus.
She riddles me lies, promising if my heart stays true,
The sun will rise again, in this monstrosity, built in the minds of we two.
Next time she strokes the brush, I expect bright colors, shades, and hues.
But this time something unexpected happens,
This time,
She paints the sky,
Monsoon. I quite like this ending. i can't describe it, but the impact for me was almost haiku-like.

[billy]

She paints the sky with white and blue,
With a stroke of her hand, a paradise for two.
She paints the sky, where our love reigns true. a common phrase (cliche) try and avoid them
But now she paints the sky with shifting clouds, dark colors, shades, and hues.
What has happened here, in our paradise, just me and you?
The sun has set, in this idealistic world, now bleeding down the canvas, lost and untrue.
She has raped my sky, with lines, foreign colors, and haikus. i like this line. it's not trite, it shows us something in an original way
She riddles me lies, promising if my heart stays true,
The sun will rise again, in this monstrosity, built in the minds of we two. would it be easier to say 'built in our minds?
Next time she strokes the brush, I expect bright colors, shades, and hues.
But this time something unexpected happens,
This time,
She paints the sky,
Monsoon. i like the ending. it could be giving a hint or where you are in the real world as well as in the relationship

the clichéd parts weaken the poem a lot i think. you do have some good things going on and i like the sharp ending.