Nightmare on My Street by Todd

[Leanne]

As knives stretch from your fingertips,
the boiler’s hiss, the darkness drips,
but young men’s fears aren’t mine to take.
Could I please die before I wake?

I understand you didn’t need
young teens who only wish to breed.
I’d kill them too. I’ve lost that ache.
Could I please die before I wake?

Each day I sit in asphalt haze,
a brake light death of small delays.
Of this communion I partake.
Could I please die before I wake?

The miles form a metronome
of cell phone calls and shining chrome,
a slow decay with each mistake.
Could I please die before I wake?

From empty cube, to empty room,
the jasmine scent of stale perfume,
a window blackened now, opaque.
Could I please die before I wake?



*The original thread and comments can be found here.

[Todd]

Thanks Leanne...if you wouldn't have introduced me to the form I never would have written it.

[Leanne]

That's what a workshop is all about. It's a great poem, Todd.

[Erthona]

"It's a great poem"

I concur. It is difficult to use this form without it becoming overtly sing-song and hackneyed, if not outright Hallmarkish. You avoid all three, and the refrain is a nice turn on a common phrase.

Dale

[billy]

i remember it well, and i also had another peek
good choice Leanne. well done Todd. great refrain.

[penguin]

Nice poem, Todd. I like these lines best

The miles form a metronome
of cell phone calls and shining chrome

I might change the punctuation in a few places, semi-colons instead of commas but I enjoted the rhythm and imagery.

Ray

[ChristopherSea]

Delightfully frightening and refreshing diversion from the B-picture gore-festival that you based this upon! The flow is like syrup, the rhymes are expertly dovetailed into each stanza and the suspense is effective. Nice work Todd! Cheers/Chris