Poetic Trip

[Mikey B Da'Poet]

How do you reach the top,
If you never stood your ground at the bottom???
How do you stand tall,
If you never had to fall... Autumn???
They say friendships change like the seasons
So don't enter my circle less you have a reason
Don't call yourself a friend just to talk behind my back
That's treason
Some friends become family
Some family become enemies
Some enemies want to become friends with me
But I have an unforgiving heart
A soul that won't let go
And A mind that doesn't forget
Never worry about the problems from yesterday
I'm stressed from the ones from today
What if you see the end of your tunnel
But you don't see the light
Do you continue to push forward
Or do you hold back???
When someone tell you that they love you
Should you continue to hold back???
Been hurt to often in the past
So please forgive me
But I refuse to love to fast
It's quicker to forget a smile than a frown
Because the pain is still there
Maybe it's not fair
But life isn't fair
So because of my past pain
You really have to put effort in me
To show me why I should even care
Once broken some things just cant easily be fixed
A friendship, A heart, The bond we once shared...
If you fuck up once,
You only showing me that you never cared
That only makes me want to take back everything we ever shared
From the milkshakes to the emotions
You turned my emotions into a milkshake
Unable to hold form
You left me with only the notion of emotion
So now I can only go through the motions
Because I'm afraid of the ending
Is a broken heart really worth mending???
Are feelings really worth lending???
Is a heated beginning really worth an overheated ending???


Well that is for you to decide..
I'm just your tour guide/ poet..
So as everybody all arrive back from our trip...
And slip...
Back into a better place....
Everybody say grace...
And snap...
For...

Mikey B The Poet

[Todd]

So, Mikey B,

This feels like a rap or at the least spoken word. As those, it probably does fairly well. Critiquing it as a written poem would be another thing.

What are you looking for in serious critique with this one? Anything specific?

Best,

Todd

[Mikey B Da'Poet]

It actually is a spoken word piece I plan on performing it very soon so any critique at all will be very much appreciated...

[Todd]

Well let's give this a shot. I don't usually critique spoken word, but hopefully you'll get something you can use.

First, one of the problems with spoken word in general is a great performer can be under the assumption that the poem is great when really their performance skills are what's selling it to the audience.

I'm going to point out some things you can think about reworking. If the poem is stronger that only helps the overall experience.

Rhyme generally doesn't work well without meter but in a spoken performance you can get away with a lot. I'm not going to address that further.

What I notice is that you have a lot of cliches (tired, dead sort of writing that we've heard before). Cliches rob your work of originality and emotional power. They are a sort of cultural shorthand.

Phrases like "reach the top", "stood your ground", "stand tall", and "broken heart" are all cliches. You need to think about killing those and coming up with something more fresh.

Another thing, look for opportunities to express ideas with imagery. Think about ideas like reaching the top. How can you show that in an image? How can you than build it into something that takes in coming up from the bottom? Try to turn your listeners ears into eyes so they can "see" what your saying.

Most of spoken word comes across as a general rant that encompasses the speaker's life. Consider narrowing the focus to one specific incident or life event and go deep.

That's my advice. Use it if you like.

Good luck in your performance.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

hi mikey, i see you say it's spoken word. on paper a spoken word poem is often something else. i'm crap at spoken word poetry so my feedback is on the written word.

How do you reach the top, opening up with a cliche is risky in both genre's
If you never stood your ground at the bottom??? to follow it up with another removes the chance that it might go unnoticed
How do you stand tall, and a third makes it just run of the mill writing with all the emphasis needing to be on the speaker.
If you never had to fall... Autumn??? it tries too hard to be clever
They say friendships change like the seasons
So don't enter my circle less you have a reason
Don't call yourself a friend just to talk behind my back
That's treason
Some friends become family
Some family become enemies
Some enemies want to become friends with me
But I have an unforgiving heart
A soul that won't let go
And A mind that doesn't forget
Never worry about the problems from yesterday
I'm stressed from the ones from today
What if you see the end of your tunnel
But you don't see the light
Do you continue to push forward
Or do you hold back???
When someone tell you that they love you
Should you continue to hold back???
Been hurt to often in the past
So please forgive me
But I refuse to love to fast
It's quicker to forget a smile than a frown
Because the pain is still there
Maybe it's not fair
But life isn't fair
So because of my past pain
You really have to put effort in me
To show me why I should even care
Once broken some things just cant easily be fixed
A friendship, A heart, The bond we once shared...
If you fuck up once,
You only showing me that you never cared
That only makes me want to take back everything we ever shared
From the milkshakes to the emotions
You turned my emotions into a milkshake
Unable to hold form
You left me with only the notion of emotion
So now I can only go through the motions
Because I'm afraid of the ending
Is a broken heart really worth mending???
Are feelings really worth lending???
Is a heated beginning really worth an overheated ending???


Well that is for you to decide..
I'm just your tour guide/ poet..
So as everybody all arrive back from our trip...
And slip...
Back into a better place....
Everybody say grace...
And snap...
For...

Mikey B The Poet

the poem is mainly cliche, if you take spoken word poetry like you would a song, then it might work. the thing with poetry is the fact people who listen or read poetry because they like to (and not because they want to be praised) will see all the cliche as unimaginative. so that area needs a lot of work. i see no problem with the meter because i know vocalising is an art in itself. most things can be made to sound good if you have the skill. the last stanza/verse feels to cheesy and seems to make the poem about you, that would be okay if you were the compare of a slam and introducing other poets but if it's A piece then it steals everything that's you'll have said before it. if you do an edit, you need to make it fresh.

an example;

We change friends like Catholics change underwear for Sunday mass

could equate to;

They say friendships change like the seasons

admittedly it may not be a good example but you see what i mean?
use simile and metaphor, allude to something instead of being factual.
lie, create big fat lies; the end may hook up with the title but i'd consider changing it (the title) the poems more friendship than poetry.

thanks for the read.