casting shadow (final? edit on 'your hands)

[Ruth]

Because I would not lift my face,
I looked to your hands,
your arms, the way
your elbows rested on your thighs, and
the shadows on the floor;
but mostly

I watched your hands.

Quietly, I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.

My hands my arms, and
my body shook.

You stood, embraced me, and
held on until I let go.

After, as I write
I watch my hands,
their shapes, and meanings as
they cast their own shadows.

version twoish
your hands

because I did not lift my face,
I watched your hands, arms, your elbows, bent and resting lightly on your thighs,
and I watched the floor,
but mostly I watched your hands.

I saw the line that suggests a creative lover,
the one that shows a clever mind, imagination, and
the mound by your thumb that may indicate passion.

as we spoke, I saw meanings in their shapes, and
on the floor, I watched our shadows, made from street and candle light in a darkened room
flicker and entwine.

you stood, you smiled and then your arms embraced me,
and held on until I let go of you.

then I was on my way, casting my own shadows,
regarding my own hands.

original

because of your hands

because I looked at them
and not your face,
your hands,
the floor, my feet, but mostly at
your hands

and so,
I saw the line suggesting
a creative lover,
one that shows
a clever mind,
fertile imagination, and
the mound by your thumb
that indicates passion

covertly
I read the meaning of your finger shapes
long and articulate,
the depth of your spirit
as you moved your hands, and spoke softly to me

my own hands were shaking
as I rocked
ever so slightly, back and forth

and as I write, I tremble
briefly
at the memory of your hands

[penguin]

Well, you won't like this much, but I revisited the original and found I liked it a lot better.I'm not quite sure why. Maybe the poem is just familiar now but also it feels a bit like some life has been sucked out of it, lost its innocence and vulnerability. Or I'm talking crap.

[billy]

me go for the original, (i put all three together (it makes it easier to see any progression)

i got the feeling that you moved further and further away from the original in the original it seems there's a fascination with the hands and then in the edits it feels that you looked at them because you were too shy or too scared. don't get me wrong, the trepidation is still i the first but there's more, it's keen, the original end stanza is all wobbly and and tremulous, the nest two are tepid in comparison. the first had a shyness but it felt like a sexual shyness.

most people would walk away from an edit where someone says 'mmm i like the original better' and think what's the point. for me the point is it shows that original needs more, a whole lot more saving, step back from it and pout it away for a month or two. go back to all of them then and decide what to kep, what to change and what to discard.

thanks for the edit ruth

[Ruth]

yeah... I'm at the crumple it up into a ball and toss it in the fire stage Billy, but I won't, today at least, I have other things to deal with.....

[MrA]

I'd go with the original, too. Seems to have more of a core and essence without wavering by over-doing it like in the final draft. With the original being almost minimalist I'd lose the commas at the end of most lines as the end of a line signifies as a pause anyway.

[poetsorrow]

now this poem has potential I really liked it because of its simplicity just
two lovers but if I may critique some




Because I would not lift my face,- reorganize this and don't start with because and exactly why can't this person lift their face?
its fine to leave some mystery, but know that alot of people don't like to read and are lazy. They want the exact meaning right away
or they won't read your poetry


I looked to your hands,- this is cliches be more creative

your arms, the way
your elbows rested on your thighs, and

the shadows on the floor; I enjoy the word shadow but it doesn't seem to mesh well with floor doesn't feel "Poetic"

but mostly
I watched your hands.- You said hands twice so far use a thesaurus to look up a different word but different meanings maybe palms instead of hands? remember a thesaurus and dictionary are a poets best friend! use them

Quietly, I saw meanings in their shapes: creative lover,-this whole stanza is gorgeous expect you used shadows a second time
clever mind, passion, imagination.
I watched our shadows flicker and entwine.

My hands my arms, and- the word hands again? this the 3rd one!
my body shook.- really? how so can you describe in detail? not just "my body shook?"


You stood, embraced me, and - more creativity
held on until I let go.

After, as I write
I watch my hands,- 4 times you used this word your setting a record
their shapes, and meanings as
they cast their own shadows.- 3rd time you used shadows