poetry

[poetsorrow]

poetry

[billy]

As the red roses
blossom in the meadows

your beauty
transforms me into a pale sunset

who shivers at the sight
of your presence

the luminescence in
the fragrant dandelions

of your honey
coated lips

and your
wondrous soul-gazing eyes

reflecting the shimmer
in the sparkling waves

that envelope you
and me

as it journeys us into its scintillating waters
to the confines of everlasting love
as your beauty intoxicates me

and it fills our bodies
with shared anguish

our ever-aching longing continues
to romance each-other to our graves

into the two broken tombstones
as we refuse to pass away until we kiss; our lips
forever sealed in the echo of eternity

the horizon becomes a fading speck
in the dance of our final embrace

as time becomes our enemy
robbing us of our youthful skins,

but the crease in our faces
remind us of the golden shade of agelessness
in our hearts

for even death will not separate us
as we embrace the stars together

dancing above the heavenly waters
to the eternalness
of my breath on yours

Hi poetsorrow,
without wanting t offend, i suggest you post in novice or mild critique for a while. the feedback given here can be honest, sometimes brutally so.

no line by line feedback from me. in general most of the poem is cliche, and tries to hard to be romantic, so much so that it feels a little cheesy and overly poetic. if you use couplets, try and make them read as being self contained. strip away any excess wordage; i highlighted some of them.

words like beauty should be used sparingly twice is often once to many.
try and make less seem more.

your beauty
transforms me into a pale sunset

who shivers at the sight
of your presence

you transform me into a pale sunset
that shimmers in your presence

(more of an example to explain what i mean than a suggestion on how to rewrite it)

use some images. in the above we've lost an intangible (beauty) and made it solid (using 'you')

love is a common thing to write about and it's been done by many for a long time. make it fresh and newly told. try not to be to poetical till you get the hand of writing out what you feel in an original way. after you do that, you can go to town and be as poetic as you feel. the main idea it to express an old theme in an original manner.

thanks for the read PS

[addy]

Ah, a classic love poem . This is a nice effort, but I think you might be struggling with an overload of images; at points, you seem to be adding them just for the sake of 9because you see them in other poetry, so feel the need to add them to make the piece richer). Remember, it also helps to have the imagery work cohesively throughout the narrative, so having lots of images that don't really work together to capture a unique idea does you the poem favors. Here's an example: majority of the imagery talks about a love that will last beyond death (sunsets, tombstones, creased faces, final embrace, sealed kiss) so you could give the other imagery in the poem a similar flavor. Instead of roses or dandelions, how about mentioning flowers that either bloom at night or are associated with death? A bit of a clumsy example, but you get the picture

As the red roses
blossom in the meadows You don't need this intro, i think. It adds very little, and the story switches focus almost immediately anyway

your beauty
transforms me into a pale sunset

who shivers at the sight
of your presence This doesn't work so well for me, only because I don't understand why and how a sunset would shiver. I think this could be a good image, but perhaps it needs to be clarified.

the luminescence in
the fragrant dandelions

of your honey
coated lips Again, dandelions and honey are hard to mesh together into one cohesive image. Maybe choose one or the other to run with.

and your
wondrous soul-gazing eyes

reflecting the shimmer
in the sparkling waves

that envelope you
and me

as it journeys us into its scintillating waters
to the confines of everlasting love
as your beauty intoxicates me Is this line needed?

and it fills our bodies
with shared anguish

our ever-aching longing continues
to romance each-other to our graves There may be something wrong with the sense here: "our longing continues to romance each other' doesn't seem grammatically right

into the two broken tombstones
as we refuse to pass away until we kiss; our lips
forever sealed in the echo of eternity

the horizon becomes a fading speck
in the dance of our final embrace

as time becomes our enemy
robbing us of our youthful skins,

but the crease in our faces
remind us of the golden shade of agelessness
in our hearts Beautiful sentiment

for even death will not separate us
as we embrace the stars together

dancing above the heavenly waters
to the eternalness
of my breath on yours

[poetsorrow]

its OK im not offended I want to become a better poet thats why I want serious critique

[billy]

that's a good attitude to have
the thing is, sometimes too much feedback overloads the senses and we don't get time to think straight. it's really easy to become dispirited with it all.