09-21-2012, 02:07 AM
poetry
poetry
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09-21-2012, 02:07 AM
poetry
09-21-2012, 11:55 AM
(09-21-2012, 02:07 AM)poetsorrow Wrote: As the red rosesHi poetsorrow, without wanting t offend, i suggest you post in novice or mild critique for a while. the feedback given here can be honest, sometimes brutally so. no line by line feedback from me. in general most of the poem is cliche, and tries to hard to be romantic, so much so that it feels a little cheesy and overly poetic. if you use couplets, try and make them read as being self contained. strip away any excess wordage; i highlighted some of them. words like beauty should be used sparingly twice is often once to many. try and make less seem more. your beauty transforms me into a pale sunset who shivers at the sight of your presence you transform me into a pale sunset that shimmers in your presence (more of an example to explain what i mean than a suggestion on how to rewrite it) use some images. in the above we've lost an intangible (beauty) and made it solid (using 'you') love is a common thing to write about and it's been done by many for a long time. make it fresh and newly told. try not to be to poetical till you get the hand of writing out what you feel in an original way. after you do that, you can go to town and be as poetic as you feel. the main idea it to express an old theme in an original manner. thanks for the read PS
09-21-2012, 12:45 PM
Ah, a classic love poem
![]() ![]() (09-21-2012, 02:07 AM)poetsorrow Wrote: As the red roses
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
09-21-2012, 12:48 PM
its OK im not offended I want to become a better poet thats why I want serious critique
09-21-2012, 12:52 PM
that's a good attitude to have
![]() the thing is, sometimes too much feedback overloads the senses and we don't get time to think straight. it's really easy to become dispirited with it all. |
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