Sunspots

[Larry]

Stars never stop working-
the longer we gaze
at a golden parade,
the greater the risk
of residue.

I’m speaking of sunspots.
Those dark scabs of light
that scurry to the center
of our vision and harden there.
Oh, it’s bound to be
A bad collision-
the persistence of a soul
Fused with the darkness
of absence.
Even the shutting of one’s eyes
cannot evade its burning grasp.

The mark life leaves
so luminously strong-
both when it’s here
and when it’s gone.

[billy]

i was going to leave this till tomorrow larry cos i'm shafted but after reading it i can't see that much that would improve it.
not sure if residue works in the last line of the 1st stanza.
is there needed on the 4th line of the 2nd stanza?
the mention of soul took a little away from the poem for me.

the last verse feels a bit forced and for me the poem ends at the end of the 3rd stanza.

as usual i enjoyed the write. i love that you write the way you do larry. especially your originality.
the internal rhythm is excellent.

vision, collision work it in there just right. nicely done.

[addy]

Loved this one. You've really outdone yourself.

That second stanza sounds really cool, too.

Some points: Not sure about the last two lines of the first stanza... I understand what it means, but it feels comparatively awkward to your other lines. Also in the last stanza, the line "so luminously strong...", I think it would be better if you could rework it to shed the adjective.

But really, this needs only minor edits