4 a.m.

[Loveblind]

His warm breath on her chest
Uncontrollably loud they’re breathing
Time on the clock
Ticking
It’s 4 a.m.

eager to get started
nervous chills runs through
her body
a smile on his face

they toss their clothes
On the ground
While passionately kissing
He places his hands on her bare body
Caressing her breast with his cold hands

Silently she moans
Gently she thrust her hips

Both bodies joined
They smile

[billy]

for me it needs to be more raunchy
or more demur depending on which route you wish to go.
as it is it feels a bit lack lustre.

will have a good red of it tomorrow LB and leave a more detailed comment. (the grandkids have just come in )

[addy]

I just love that first stanza, so vivid. That's excellent LB.

I was left a bit hanging by the last stanza: "both bodies joined... they smile." It felt a bit like you cut away at the part when they finally physically joined and cut back already post-coitus. You could write more on this imo.

"they toss their clothes
On the ground
While passionately kissing
He places his hands on her bare body
Caressing her breast with his cold hands"

This stanza, for me, gets too telly. Instead of just telling us literally what they were doing, present a different dimension to the act. What was it like for them? (ex. How about "warming his hand on her shivering breast"?)

Thanks for this one!

[billy]

His warm breath on her chest
Uncontrollably loud they’re breathing
Time on the clock
Ticking
It’s 4 a.m.

eager to get started
nervous chills runs through
her body
a smile on his face

they toss their clothes
On the ground
While passionately kissing
He places his hands on her bare body
Caressing her breast with his cold hands

Silently she moans
Gently she thrust her hips

Both bodies joined
They smile

the first verse sets us up just so.
though id have said breast instead of chest.. but i for me the ist verse is really good.

then it becomes a mundane story told a million times before.
the 2nd verse tells us nothing really and worse still shows us nothing.

for me this is the foreplay verse.a nipple bite. a cock-flicking finger than makes him squirm , a loving testicle-tap. etc etc.

the third verse for me should be the act. don't worry about being vulgar. LB
this is the verse that gives the lovemaking a chance to shine.
the amount of descriptive ways a man can enter a woman are staggering, try and use an original one. stay away from words like thrust swollen and throb. they always get used.

in the next two short lines you have the actual love scene. two lines is never enough for good sex. (jmo)

the last line feels so blaze. no thumb sucking longing for second helpings. no nob washing with the tongue. nothing, they just lay there like stanford wives.

use your imagination. write down what you're thinking of when you fap (if you fap) be inventive. lie about it. i don't think any man has ever told it as it really is. this is one of the those poems where you have to be really descriptive, and original. give it another go keeping the first verse.

thanks for the read LB.