Morning Gestures

[jdelacroix]

The gesture
of staring
kept my toes
stuck on bed.

You lay beside
me, an old drunk,
like a wine flask
spilled on white drapes.

We were a cocktail
of wine, sweat and drool,
we reeked the twilight
like unflushed toilet.

It was your gesture
of turning away
that told me, the space

between us
was as far
as daybreak.


(This is me attempting to write in closed form. I'm not sure with this one either.)

[billy]

The gesture
of staring is staring a gesture or an act?
kept my toes
stuck on bed.

You lay beside
me, an old drunk,
like a wine flask
spilled on white drapes. who was like the drunk?

We were a cocktail
of wine, sweat and drool,
we reeked the twilight
like unflushed toilet. an after like

It was your gesture gesture again?
of turning away
that told me, the space the space on next line.

between us
was as far far feels very weak what about distant or smething else
as daybreak.


(This is me attempting to write in closed form. I'm not sure with this one either.)

for me it's bit more like an open form poem than a closed form poem jd.
here's a link that gives a good explanation of closed form.


love the third stanza. and the 2nd though i think it needs a little bit of work.

nothing major as such just needs a bit more expression in the first and last stanza in my opinion.

for closed form it needs to have a form that you have chosen and one that to some extent can be sensed by the reader. again jmo. thanks for the read jd.

[addy]

I only have two comments, and one already mentioned by Billy . Otherwise, I think it's superb.

Yeah, for me, staring isn't a gesture, unless you make it explicitly clear that it's mutual/participatory. It's something you do 'at' a person, not 'to'.

The last two lines... "was as far... as daybreak." I know you mentioned somewhere in the poem that this takes place at twilight (maybe?), but try to make that idea more prominent so we as readers do indeed understand that daybreak is far away.

But all in all I love this one JD.