My First One

[blackeagle]

Jump Jump, and Jump Again

You are a jumper to far distance spaces,
I am a seeker who seeks you forever.
I travel far deserts across the oceans,
I travel and travel till we meet.

I climb high mountains, cross deadly valleys,
I’m awake all nights cos I couldn't sleep,
I search you in skys and search you in waters,
I know I couldn’t...as, you

Jump jump, and jump again.

I see you....
On the highest mountain of the wold,
With a shining face and twisting hairs.
"So beautiful" say to myself,
Slowly and slowly as I reach, you

Jump jump and jump again.

All I wanted was to talk to you,
And all I wanted was to know how you were.
I know....
You don't see me,
Cos you are a jumper and I am a seeker.

I wait here....
Till you are back once again.
I'll keep my eyes in the sky,
Every day, hour, minute, and second,
Hoping to see, you

Jump jump, and jump again.

To tell you that I care,
To tell you that I cry,
To tell you that I smile,
To tell you that you are a world
And to prove there is nothing,
That I won't do for you.
I know you don’t care,
I know you don't ask,
I know you don't see
Cos all you want is to

Jump jump, and jump again

You are the jumper dear to my heart,
Though you are carefree,
And never look back.
There is nothing more to me,
Than letting you know,
That I always and always,
Love you! and seek you.

[billy]

hi blackeagle.

a lot of the poem is repeated, unnecessarily, so it can be made much tighter by removing that which has already been said in one form or another. after that you need to show us some images, picture of what you mean instead of telling us what you're doing

[blackeagle]

hi blackeagle.

a lot of the poem is repeated, unnecessarily, so it can be made much tighter by removing that which has already been said in one form or another. after that you need to show us some images, picture of what you mean instead of telling us what you're doing

Hi billy,
Yep got it....Thanks for the feedback. This is my first one ever and these feedbacks are great..
Cheers

[billy]

we're a little slack at present but others will give some feedback, i'm sure.
meanwhile have a scout round the site and try your hand at giving a bit of feedback

[addy]

Hi blackeagle . It's great that you're showing your first poem for critique! Always a pleasure to see new writers.

In terms of the basic narrative, it echoes a lot of those old fables about gods and goddesses, stories where the sun chases the moon and all of that. Of course linguistically this sounds a lot more modern (the fact that you make her "jump" instead of fly or even bound suggests a younger or more layman slant).

I think billy is correct that this poem has gotten a little longer than necessary because of the repeating details... if you make your point well, there's no need at all to overexplain it after. That's just extra baggage for the poem. The tighter it is, the better.

I liked this part too, among other things: "I see you // on the highest mountain of the world// with shining face and twisting hairs//"... I thought it was a lovely heartfelt moment. Other than his world-encompassing emotions though, the narrator is somewhat a cipher. She jumps because her nature is carefree... does he seek because it is also in his nature? It would be interesting to hear a couple of lines about that

Thanks very much for the read

[blackeagle]

Hi blackeagle . It's great that you're showing your first poem for critique! Always a pleasure to see new writers.

In terms of the basic narrative, it echoes a lot of those old fables about gods and goddesses, stories where the sun chases the moon and all of that. Of course linguistically this sounds a lot more modern (the fact that you make her "jump" instead of fly or even bound suggests a younger or more layman slant).

I think billy is correct that this poem has gotten a little longer than necessary because of the repeating details... if you make your point well, there's no need at all to overexplain it after. That's just extra baggage for the poem. The tighter it is, the better.

I liked this part too, among other things: "I see you // on the highest mountain of the world// with shining face and twisting hairs//"... I thought it was a lovely heartfelt moment. Other than his world-encompassing emotions though, the narrator is somewhat a cipher. She jumps because her nature is carefree... does he seek because it is also in his nature? It would be interesting to hear a couple of lines about that

Thanks very much for the read

Hi addy,
Thanks a lot for all your comments...I am so excited to here all these so valuable feedbacks. I am learning a lot. This is a blessing...thanks so much!!!
Cheers