Polishing Silver

[Philatone]

V. 3

Until father noticed the scratch
while hosing down the car, our rags
pulled and took water from bowls
mother filled with special soap.

She must have seen us from the window
while she baked her sweet potatoes
and we threw gravel in the yard.
What else could explain the cloth

and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table
for us to come inside and find
as instincts looked for spots to hide?

Everything was tarnished; forks
and knives, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
the pause before a father's words.







V. 2 adjusted first and last stanzas most heavily

Polishing Silver



Under mother's watch, we grasp
two bowls of water, two stained rags,
while father goes to wash the car
and find the scratch on the rear door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

as we threw gravel in the yard.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
our hands. Everything is tarnished.






V. 1

Under mother's order, we grasp
rags tighter than father pressed
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

[Leanne]

Hi, just a few thoughts on the fly:

"had sunk" sounds like quite a slow process... I'd like to see this image achieved in a more dynamic way.

I find that last line very melodramatic and I'm not at all sure what to suggest, but I think it cheapens the rest of what is quite an excellent stanza.

Sorry I'm not very helpful at the moment, Geoff

[tectak]

Under mother's order, we grasp
rags tighter than father pressed
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

hi geoff,
because I get conflicting information from your interesting grammar and stanza breaks, I figured I would look at this one in the round, I read the whole thing through several times and this is what I FEEL about it.
It reads easy provided you do not expect it to make complete sense. The problem that the easy read creates is one loses the urge to dig deeper. It is like reading Whinnie the Poo as the subject for a dissertation.......I start looking for things that just aren't there.
I can exemplify this in the first stanza. Father comes in with a grim visage having found a piece of gravel embedded in his cars bodywork. The "tight" lipped expression is stretched to "tight" held......but this is only a "word" analogy, not an image analogy. The problem is, you could not quite complete the analogy without the need for an interpretive word to link the two statements...you had to bring in "pressed". The metaphorical link is immediately lost because you are now trying to link tight to pressed. As I read I try to get help from the contextual form but even here I am thwarted by choice.
a) We grasp rags tighter than father
b) we grasp rags, tighter than father pressed his lips
c) we grasp rags tighter than father pressed his lips when he found a stone
d ) we grasp rags tighter than father pressed his lips, when he found a stone embedded
etc,etc.
Each line reads with grammatically subtle variations in meaning which tends to require some pondering....BUT after a while the reader realises that this is NOT deliberate profundity but is simply confusing grammar. So powerfully distracting is this vexatious style that the more interesting bits get missed. I only found myself wondering how on earth a piece of gravel could get embedded in a 18swg steel door without being fired from an elephant gun!
It goes on.
a) she must have seen us out the window throwing gravel
b) she must have seen us, out the window throwing gravel by the garage
c) she must have seen us out the window. (line and stanza break) Throwing gravel by the garage

...and my point is? Well, because your style is to write with unpredictable punctuation I begin to read with unpredictable interpretation. This is unnerving, distracting, unfair on me (and you!) and ,frankly, a little irritating. please note:D I am NOT saying that your punctuation is always wrong. The last stanza seems to be perfect. I am saying it is inconsistent. That is all.
Regarding imagery, I have always enjoyed your cameleon vision, able to see two views at once is something I envy....but it does make for hard work when it comes to getting it down on metaphorical paper. I cannot tell if your are successful in this aim:D but I am now convinced you will not change!
Best,
tectak

[Bronte]

Hi, just a few thoughts on the fly:

"had sunk" sounds like quite a slow process... I'd like to see this image achieved in a more dynamic way.

I find that last line very melodramatic and I'm not at all sure what to suggest, but I think it cheapens the rest of what is quite an excellent stanza.

Sorry I'm not very helpful at the moment, Geoff

I agree with you, it is the word blood; that seems cheap and in your face, so becomes unreliable for a reader

the image that struck me was the serving spoon! I like the image that places all the kids as subordinate . Maybe if this image is extended—
Something like this

hands blackened in iron servitude.

[braggman]

Under mother's order, we grasp grasped
rags tighter than father pressed OK the syntax here is confusing and ambiguous. We gave. a fathers pressed lips, a hint that a stone hit them, then his lips sinking into the door Is he dying? When the rock hit the car. The lips press in anger. My point is a couple helper verbs and minor edits for continuity will help, but I like the image if you clean up the phrase.
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door. I still seel puncturing lips hitting a door hard, despite my effort otherwise.

He hasn't never learned that we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother baking her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth I really think this succeeds
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?I

Everything is tarnished; knives.
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

Good stanza. I especially appreciate the shift back to past tense in second line of last stanza. It gives me a sense of a once-meaningful ritual that had tarnished and come to symbolize discontent when reflectiung upon wasted years - yeah, tarnished.

[tectak]

Under mother's order, we grasp grasped
rags tighter than father pressed OK the syntax here is confusing and ambiguous. We gave. a fathers pressed lips, a hint that a stone hit them, then his lips sinking into the door Is he dying? When the rock hit the car. The lips press in anger. My point is a couple helper verbs and minor edits for continuity will help, but I like the image if you clean up the phrase.
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door. I still seel puncturing lips hitting a door hard, despite my effort otherwise.

He hasn't never learned that we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother baking her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth I really think this succeeds
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?I0

Everything is tarnished; knives.
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

Good stanza. I especially appreciate the shift back to past tense in second line of last stanza. It gives me a sense of a once-meaningful ritual that had tarnished and come to symbolize discontent when reflectiung upon wasted years - yeah, tarnished.

dangerous point but I am critting the crit because I think it's a typo
"he hasn't never learned" ? as Boris said, I could not fail to disagree with you less
Hope I got this before geoff took it on board!
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Enjoyed, Geoff. Only 2 things to say.

his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door.

I don't care for the 2nd line. Chevelle may as well be the name of his daughter for all I know about cars. I don't think you need had sunk.
So "sunk into the door of his Chevelle".

I think "Everything is tarnished" would be a nice way to end the poem.

[Philatone]

leanne-
note taken on the past perfect and the last line; I agree. have an idea for a fix. that's plenty helpful! thank you

tec
i understand what you're saying on the ambiguity. specifically looking at the second case (though perhaps it has some relevance for the first case too), I don't think it's an issue of punctuation but rather an unclear subject (who is throwing the gravel). i will try to clarify it. i hope that will make the poem more of a success; thanks for the honest words. oh, and no worries about that double negative

bronte
i'm glad you liked the spoon! am looking at the last line; thanks for the time!

bragg- i hope to improve the 1st stanza; am giving thoughts to your other suggestions. thanks for the comment!

ray- i like the idea for the last stanza. am working around the car bit. appreciate your thoughts!

[addy]

I have to admit, I'm struggling a little with this one. I quite liked the read. But that last stanza had such a gravity to it (especially that last line) that I felt wasn't completely justified by the established story. Or perhaps I am being unfair, since this is from the perspective of a child, and as such even a small mistake could seem like the end of the world.

[rowens]

This is simply another take on the shaping tone of this poem.



Under mother's watch, we grasp
two bowls of water, two stained rags,
while father goes to wash the car.

We'd run inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window
as we threw gravel in the yard.

What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware,
all splayed across the table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
our hands. Everything is tarnished.

[Philatone]

addy-

sorry for the delay, have been digesting your thoughts. you hit on something i had been thinking about; adustments have been made to lead to a (hopefully) more appropriate finish. thanks for your time and thoughts

rowens-

thanks for taking the time for the suggestion. i like elements of it; the idea of trimming is no stranger to me. however, i've decided to take a different approach with some of the lines while maintaining the general structure. perhaps it still calls for your suggestions, however.

[billy]

hi geoff, can't believe i didn't leave any feedback . i'm just going to leave feedback on the last edit.

V. 3

Until father noticed the scratch
while hosing down the car, our rags
pulled and took water from bowls
mother filled with special soap.

the anticipation of the dads anger is felt but i think it needs a bit of work. my suggestion would be along the lines of;
waiting for father to notice the scratch
as he hosed down the car, our rags
pulled and took water from bowls
mother filled with special soap.
at present it reads as though dad is using "our rags"

She must have seen us from the window
while she baked her sweet potatoes
and we threw gravel in the yard. would 'as' be better than and
What else could explain the cloth (cloths)

and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table
for us to come inside and find
as instincts looked for spots to hide?

Everything was tarnished; forks
and knives, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
the pause before a father's words. good ending.

mainly i just had a small problem with the 1st stanza, in that it had me re reading to see why i was stumbling. other than that i enjoyed it a lot with nothing of note that needs work. the fear in the kids was apparent and they knew what was coming. i liked the narrative







V. 2 adjusted first and last stanzas most heavily

Polishing Silver



Under mother's watch, we grasp
two bowls of water, two stained rags,
while father goes to wash the car
and find the scratch on the rear door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

as we threw gravel in the yard.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
our hands. Everything is tarnished.






V. 1

Under mother's order, we grasp
rags tighter than father pressed
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

[rowens]

You have something. It's been tricky with the tone of it, "everything is tarnished" , all the versions have conveyed that. There's just so many ways it could be worded with little difference. But there's enough here to make good things, like you said, trying out some new approaches.

[billy]

maybe

he never learned we threw the rocks at him. ...i just realized this is an old thread

[Truerenigma]

V. 3

Until father noticed the scratch
while hosing down the car, our rags
pulled and took water from bowls
mother filled with special soap.

She must have seen us from the window
while she baked her sweet potatoes
and we threw gravel in the yard.
What else could explain the cloth

and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table
for us to come inside and find
as instincts looked for spots to hide?

Everything was tarnished; forks
and knives, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
the pause before a father's words.







V. 2 adjusted first and last stanzas most heavily

Polishing Silver



Under mother's watch, we grasp
two bowls of water, two stained rags,
while father goes to wash the car
and find the scratch on the rear door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

as we threw gravel in the yard.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the chore,
our hands. Everything is tarnished.






V. 1

Under mother's order, we grasp
rags tighter than father pressed
his lips when he found a stone
had sunk into his Chevelle's door.

He hasn't learned we threw the rock,
ran inside and begged to help
mother bake her sweet potatoes.
She must have seen us out the window

throwing gravel by the garage.
What else could explain the cloth
and piles of silverware, all splayed
across the uncovered table?

Everything is tarnished; knives
and forks, the spoons we use to serve,
our faces when given the job,
our hands blackened by metal blood.

I just have one quick thing to mention; the personification of "instincts" is distracting. What do instincts look like anyway? Everything else seems pretty well put.

---

Last year? This thing is older news than the serge-goes-french debacle.