Everlasting:

[billy]

Black heralded in the storm--
Low minacious clouds argued
thumping chests and roaring.
Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus.
just two seconds after blue

Kids swam streets, oblivious
power lines lay limp. Unlit
tipper trucks ploughed the water,
loaded to the gunnel's, high
enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.

Once, it cleared and lightness sprang.
floods grew weak and settled down,
people cheered, defences down.
All too soon the laughter died:
Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.

Again it rained.

[tectak]

Black heralded in the storm--"black" is not a word you can get away with JUST to create atmosphere. It is way too common. The meter is also indistinct because the emphasis is forced on to the opening SINGLE syllable so giving the rest of the line no option but to mis-step. You may be forced to think around it. Try "Hoo/ded dark/ness led/the storm;"
Low minacious clouds argued"Minacious clouds with low intent,
thumping chests and roaring argued; roaring, thumping chests.
Throaty obscenities flew Obscenities in throaty flight,
within cumulonimbus. cumulonimbus wrapped,
just two seconds after blue two seconds after blue
or something. The rhythm is now set away.

Kids swam streets, oblivious the streets
power lines lay limp. Unlit Now over to you....or just say fuck you.
tipper trucks ploughed the water,
loaded to the gunnel's, highgunnels not possesive. "gunnels" is plural
enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.

Once, it cleared and lightness sprang. Yippee! The meter matches the modified line one!
floods grew weak and settled down,
people cheered, defences down.down and down
All too soon the laughter died:
Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.two cliches, two lines, too much

Again it rained....but a good commitment-verse ending. This is where it was always going. I like

Stirring stuff, billy. Some concern over the poetic endeavour versus pedantic correctness, but that's what you would expect that I would expect. My in-text comments are what I would do, but in this image-rich stuff you may choose to ignore all rules ( no comments on the "rules" please. I have heard them all before) .
Meter. Let others help. Though it is just as important to me as it seems to be to you I am sick of my own voice!
Good effort at this reality verse. A lot has ben written in the genre and it is difficult to say anything new. You did well.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

hi tc
i didn't want to go the meter route as such, i wanted it to be discordant. that said i'm not sure it works

i do so enjoy your feedback, it's shoots like an arrow..into the heart right or wrong, it's how it should be.
i like some of the suggestions. and the piece definitely needs some kind of edit. i do prefer the minacious line you suggested. and the point about the last two lines which could possibly disappear altogether.

big thanks for the critique.

[Leanne]

Will get to this when I've got more than a couple of minutes... but it's not too stinky

[billy]

we'll see about that when you're sober

[penguin]

I think you've the crux of a good poem in the 2nd verse.

Kids swam the streets oblivious;
power lines lay limp and unlit
tipper trucks ploughed water
which was loaded to the gunnels,
high enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.

is what I'd suggest.

Blackness heralded the storm

I'd cut these lines

Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus.
just two seconds after blue

Cliched or nor, I like these lines

Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.

Can't see any justification for the repetition in defences down/ settled down.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback ray.

i love it when i get opposites in the feedback. re the last two lines.

and when i get similar feedback re the down and down lines.

i definitely have an edit or two to do looking at the feedback and at the poem itself.

[Leanne]

Black heralded in the storm-- heralding the storm is overdone, especially with black
Low minacious clouds argued "minacious" is a terrific word but starting that line with "low" does you no favours in the sonics department -- maybe get rid of it altogether, or try "minacious clouds lowered"
thumping chests and roaring. you might want to ease up on the -ings
Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus.
just two seconds after blue nice use of casual rhyme

Kids swam streets, oblivious
power lines lay limp. Unlit
tipper trucks ploughed the water, the punctuation in these three lines is very off-putting -- if you wrote these out in sentences you'd be horribly confused, so there's no point doing it in a poem. I mean, "oblivious power lines" and "unlit tipper trucks"? WTF?
loaded to the gunnel's, high gunwales
enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs.

Once, it cleared and lightness sprang. if you use a full stop, you need a capital letter on the next line
floods grew weak and settled down, "grew weak" is... well, weak
people cheered, defences down.
All too soon the laughter died:
Anger raced across the sky a little overdone, maybe not to the point of cliche but there could be a revision here, especially on "raced across the sky"
then dropped like rods of iron.

Again it rained. great dramatic ending

[billy]

thanks leanne. i'll be doing an edit soon with this one. and what you say makes sense. the only thing is the unlit tipper trucks, they really are unlit, they don't have lights on. but maybe i can do something with it. the rest i can definitely do something with.

[Philatone]

hey billy!

Black heralded in the storm--...a think a noun would make a stronger subject than the adjective "Black"
Low minacious clouds argued...comma maybe at the end?
thumping chests and roaring.
Throaty obscenities flew
within cumulonimbus....starts to feel a bit repetitive with the images; i already have a sense of anger and aggression from the "thumping" and "roaring". maybe "within" could be trimmed to "in"?
just two seconds after blue...missing cap. J; that being said, the "just" really isn't needed

Kids swam streets, oblivious..."oblivious" doesn't work for me; it's hard to show obliviousness, but being blatantly told about it doesn't make things better.
power lines lay limp. Unlit...considered chopping the "limp" and making the period a comma
tipper trucks ploughed the water,
loaded to the gunnel's, high
enough for human debris
to be carried from their roofs...i wanted a stronger word than "carried"

Once, it cleared and lightness sprang...."lightness" doesn't sit well with me, personally
floods grew weak and settled down,...could you find a way to change "weak" into something that plays with "settled down"--something that conveys moving, finally finding a new home, or an idea like that?
people cheered, defences down.
All too soon the laughter died:
Anger raced across the sky
then dropped like rods of iron.....making this a metaphor instead of a simile would give you added strength, e.g., "before dropping *adjective* iron

Again it rained.

just a couple of things to ponder. i like the scene you capture