I have been on a bit of a break from writing poetry and have been busy with some professional articles and long fiction. I am not quite sure where my level of skill would fit in here, so I thought the Miscellaneous Thread was a good place to start.
This is something I whipped up today
Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass,
when possible feels as if it really may be
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Hi Laurie -- in Miscellaneous we tend not to go for in-depth critiques, more general comments, but there are no hard and fast rules here (I guess that's why it's called Miscellaneous  ) so I'm going to give you a few overall impressions. Don't worry about where your skill level is so much as how much feedback you want for a particular piece -- eg. "Serious Critique" doesn't mean "good poems only" 
(08-16-2012, 12:05 PM)LaurieB Wrote: Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass, -- pretty opening
when possible feels as if it really may be -- to play a bit more with grammar and cut a bit of wordiness, what about "when possible feels like really may be"
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.
I would be tempted to put "Do you ever think of me?" as a closing line on its own, to give the poem more context, but I really like your descriptive settings. They may be a few too many adjectives -- it doesn't hurt to let the reader fill a few images in for him/herself -- but these are quite evocative and lovely.
Thanks for posting!
It could be worse
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
we don't care about skill level. well we do but not negatively. just be brave  (08-16-2012, 12:05 PM)LaurieB Wrote: I have been on a bit of a break from writing poetry and have been busy with some professional articles and long fiction. I am not quite sure where my level of skill would fit in here, so I thought the Miscellaneous Thread was a good place to start.
This is something I whipped up today
Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass, i like newborn grass, ties in nicely with spring,
when possible feels as if it really may be
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously. i know irises is plural but would "iris" work any better?
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears, silent tears feels a little cliche
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby. certainly worthy of any of the forums depending on what kind of crit/feedback you want. some good images though a little wordy in places, things like the 'the' on the first line, though it may upset the meter.
and some of the meter elsewhere could be looked at by better eyes than mine.
i do like the way you imbue each season with a suitable mood of the 'me' in the poem. thanks for the read and hope to see some more
Thank you both so much for the feedback. I knew this needed a few little tweaks and these help immensely.
I also thought 'silent tears' was a bit cliche, but you know how sometimes you sit there, looking at the word and you try to come up with a different word or phrase? I just got stuck there and it was holding up the entire poem. I will keep thinking of a replacement, you never know when an idea will come to mind.
Leanne, I am thinking about putting "Do You Ever Think Of Me?" as the closing line. Although would it be too much to have that as the title also? I am leaning toward changing the title.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i'm usually at fault with a cliche, i never see them till they're pointed out and then it's "how did i miss that"
i think the extra line would act as a hook to take back to the top for another read so it's a doer for me.
Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
hey laurie! nice to have you
some thoughts
(08-16-2012, 12:05 PM)LaurieB Wrote: Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass,...i think you could trim the articles
when possible feels as if it really may be...this line felt like extra
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference....i think more information about this shadow would really help; as is, it strikes me as a bit more cryptic than needed
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.
i like the idea of the progression, what with spring mornings and winter nights. a lot of times, just as i was getting into an image you had, it either felt a little bogged down by the words around (e.g., extra articles or such) or was not elaborated on as much as I would have liked. overall though, I enjoyed the read!
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 2,401
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
08-17-2012, 01:25 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-17-2012, 01:27 PM by Todd.)
Hi Laurie,
Welcome to the forums! I'll give you a few comments.
quote='LaurieB' pid='101085' dateline='1345086338']
I have been on a bit of a break from writing poetry and have been busy with some professional articles and long fiction. I am not quite sure where my level of skill would fit in here, so I thought the Miscellaneous Thread was a good place to start.
This is something I whipped up today
Do You Ever Think Of Me?
On spring mornings when the dew is soft upon the newborn grass,-- I like how the title rolls into the first line. I also like the seasonal structure.
when possible feels as if it really may be--I'm mixed here. I think this is a nice observation, but I'd like it tied to an image or metaphor. It feels a bit abstract to have emotional impact. It engages the intellect but there is no surprise in it if that makes sense. I like the phrasing to some extent though.
and dancing irises nod their pretty heads flirtatiously.--pretty I like it.
On summer days when sunlight promises a loving touch,
when a burst of brilliance erupts up and over into this dimension
and a lifeless shadow shrugs indifference.
On autumn evenings when windswept leaves snap sharply,
when the untamed cyclone beats a rhythm of ambiguous words
and spirals high against the inadequate name of blue.--I like this last phrase
On winter nights when an icy bed of loneliness collects the silent tears,
when vicious blades of sorrow slice deep into the trench of despair
and the memory of a kiss sings a regretful lullaby.--the adjectives here and the phrasing comes off too over the top. This needs the images to do the work--more implying than spelling it out.
[/quote]
I do like this though. You can pare a few words here and there and let the imagery do more of the work( especially in the final strophe.
Nice reading you. I hope that was helpful and not too overwhelming.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
|
