Thrown Away

[ambustharp]

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought.

I thought.

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.

----

[Philatone]

hey ambustharp! welcome to the site and your new passion!
some things I noticed about your piece

to begin, I think something that would strengthen your rhymes would be a consistent meter. We have places on the website that go over things like iambs, trochees, and other stresses as well as the number of beats per line (trimeter, tetrameter, pentameter, etc.---google is a good resource too!). otherwise what happens is that the rhymes appear to come at any ole' time without much reasoning behind it; now, if that doesn't bother or interest you, feel free to disregard what follows(!):

a light example, looking at your first line

WHILE-his-GRASS-stains-STRAINED-your-HEART

the capital letters get the 'stress' (more emphasis when they are spoken). a stressed sound, followed by a nonstressed, is called a trochee. I get a total of four stressed sounds in the line, so that would be called "tetrameter". So, I'm partially get an idea that the rest of the poem will use 4-ish trochees (or trochaic tetrameter--there is a missing syllable at the end).

after a first line, a reader gets an idea of how the rest of the poem may follow. so when other lines break from what you start, it can be unexpected.

anyways, to the poem itself

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess...i'm getting a bit confused with the pronouns (I's, your's, and he's). no one has really been defined yet. also, the ideas strike me as being a bit too broad. telling me someone was "hurt" does not give me much to think about. telling me about their injury more specifically would give me something to imagine
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead..."me" for "I". "miles ahead" is a very common expression; can you express it in a new way?
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought.

I thought. ...not sure how i feel about the repetition

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart...what is this "there"?
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart...."surely?"
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,...i like this description of the letter
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,...again, descriptions of the fun and the talks would make the experience more vivid
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.

----

my first suggestions would be to define the speaker/ characters more to help the reader feel more related to them. Pronouns, as of now, are making that difficult. Also, expanding/ refereshing some of your images will also aid in that connection between poem and reader. finally, perhaps studying/ practising meter with this piece will help strengthen the rhyming. i hope some of this can help!

[Leanne]

Hello ambustharp, and welcome! Thanks for posting in Serious Critique, it takes some guts to do that first up

This poem does have some good points -- the contrast between the military monotony and the possibility of a carefree, unrestrained romance is good, as is the wistfulness of the speaker. There are places where this could be tightened up though -- some of the very common mistakes made by new poets are using cliches or hackneyed phrases, inverting syntax (yoda-speak) and using rhyme without regard to meter. As I said, these are very common, so you're definitely not alone, and they're definitely fixable! Philatone has already addressed meter and many other points, so I'll try not to repeat his excellent feedback.

Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart -- this is a good opening line
While his semper fi was faithless -- I'm not American so at first I was wondering why the Latin is abbreviated, but google helped me Introducing the Marines this early on and in such a way works well, I believe
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess -- more specific examples would help here
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led -- "in tandem led" is inverted syntax and sounds out of place with the rest of the language
By you and I; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught; -- "or naught"? Nothing? Do you mean "aught", which is an archaic "anything"?
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought. -- souls entwined is a huge cliche

I thought. -- this works well on a line by itself and leads nicely into the next stanza, giving your poem a change of tone (or volta)

We departed ways one eventful night -- parted ways
I left for the moment- but there left my heart -- "there left my heart" is inverted syntax
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell -- cliche!
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones, -- good image
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed, -- inverted syntax
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times -- very vague
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding. -- ring and wedding don't really rhyme, despite appearances, because of the different stresses. If you're using true rhymes, which it appears you're doing throughout, then they need to fall on the same stress. RING/ wedDING sounds weird. RING and SING rhyme, as do WEDding and BEDding (conveniently!).

----

Hope that helps

[Ruth]

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless
I was there when you were hurt
I was there to pick up his mess
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought.

I thought.

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones,
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed,
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding.

----

Hello and welcome!!

You've had some excellent feedback about meter - something that has always been my Achilles Heel - so I won't touch that.

What I will comment on is what you are trying to express with this piece. It sounds like a broken heart, like a love lost, like being left behind and watching someone you love walk away with another - Faithlessness.

What I would like is to be shown this (show, don't tell - a phrase you will become familiar with soon enough). I think that maintaining a rhyme in this piece makes it more difficult to express what you are trying to write about. Some people, like Leanne, can write beautiful and eloquent poems with meter and rhyming, but it is difficult. Often, when you are trying to write about something serious the rhyme can take away from that. This could be my own bias (I write almost exclusively in free verse), but I think this would express the hurt, pain and anger if you wrote without the rhyme. Take out the unnecessary words and see what you end up with.

Just a suggestion, and again welcome!

-ruth

[ambustharp]

Thank you all for you fantastic responses!

I've attempted (somewhat) in working with meter on a previous poem and I suppose that I just don't seem to grasp where the stresses are. I looked at some of posts on meter and it definitely refreshed some things I've read about before. I'm not sure if I'm stress-deaf or if I'm just not paying close enough attention when I read things aloud or in my head. I understand that most of the syllables are equal throughout and that each meter accomplishes some stress-unstress, unstress-stress pattern or other variations.

Another question: how would any of you suggest I go about forming the characterization and pronoun reduction that Philatone mentioned? I can conjure up a few ways to do it, but not sure the best route. An introductory stanza that presents the speaker as the "lover" and the relationship with the "military boy" and the "beloved?" Changing some of the initial pronouns for names?(I'm not a fan of this option though.) And there are some other ways too.

To Ruth: I really enjoy your response too and I see that dropping the rhymes will serve as a way to free up some of my unnecessary cliches and inverted syntax that Leanne and Philatone mentioned.

So, I may try to come up with two version: one with more metric rigidity and one in a more free verse style and see what I like best.

Another idea: perhaps I could combine these two versions: use meter with the stanzas about the "military guy" and the free verse with the speaker-lover. Is that even allowed? :O I'm not really sure how even I feel about this. Just an idea.

Thank you all so much! I much prefer the meat of a serious critique to someone telling me what a good job I did.

[Leanne]

Another idea: perhaps I could combine these two versions: use meter with the stanzas about the "military guy" and the free verse with the speaker-lover. Is that even allowed? :O I'm not really sure how even I feel about this. Just an idea.

Oh god yes, it's DEFINITELY allowed -- experiment all you like! I quite like the idea of giving the military guy stanzas a regular meter, which will add to the characterisation -- similarly, free verse would suit the speaker perfectly

You don't even need to use rhyme with your meter. You could perhaps try blank verse (no end rhymes) in trochaic tetrameter, which is the meter you've got in your first line and would nicely mirror the marching cadences of the military.

It's ambitious, but I for one would be very interested to see the result. Good luck!

---

PS. Meter takes time, but it will click eventually. Try tapping on the desk as you say the words -- first get the meter fixed in your head, then see if the words fit in where they should.

[ambustharp]

How do any of you feel about this as the initial stanza of a free verse version?

I'm going to try and work on a metric rendition, whereas this version is attended to appeal to the pathos more than anything. It satisfies the issue of more background into situations and adds some characterization, but still faces the problem of pronouns and not having much rhythm.



While his grass stains strained your heart
I was there when you were alone-
Hurting from his disdain, from his neglect-
I held you, letting you know
That you are not alone in this world of pain.
While his semper fi was faithless,
I was by your side when the tears flowed
Because of his bottle and his smoke
And his words that sunk in and stung.
While he marched and trained
To rape, to raid, and to raze,
His body and soul turned rigid,
Distant from your love,
Frigid to the beauty of your ways
While he enlisted and broke away
In preparation for air, land, and sea;
I was drafted by your heart, mind, and soul
To console, to comfort, to care
For you and you alone.
Inseparability defined us as
Companions, cohorts, partners-in-crime,
With life an adventure, led in tandem,
Having a destination not in mind,
But instead the journey there:
To laugh as loudly as our bodies allowed
And dance with every emotion procured
From our heartaches and joys.
We weaved our patchwork lives together,
Creating in ourselves a work of art
That would outlast time's trials, so I thought.

[billy]

sorry for getting here late , i have read it a few times though

I'm new to this site and more or less new to writing poetry.
I've very open to serious critique, both positive and negative.


Thrown Away

While his grass stains strained your heart
While his semper fi was faithless good opening.
I was there when you were hurt needs to be said originally
I was there to pick up his messneeds to be said originally
Companion, cohort, partner-in-crime good alliteration
One never left the other behind
Life an adventure; in tandem led
By you and I; we were miles ahead feels like it's trying too hard to be poetry. use a natural voice
Of any who claimed themselves sure
Of love or hate or naught;
For our souls ran deep together
Entwined as one, so I thought. cliche, be original
the last 4 lines feel pretty forced.

I thought. i like this, would it help if it were initialized?

We departed ways one eventful night
I left for the moment- but there left my heart yoda speak; reversed words. at end of line
For you to hold to tight-
Surly predestined and set apart
He departed then as well
To be programmed
And made to live through hell
Two letters soon reached your hand
One filled with romantic overtones
Typed to the rhythmic hum of practice drones, this is a strong line.
Of a life to be a military wife,
Not mentioning the added worry or strife;redundant
The other light hearted and whimsical
Requesting not your hand to wed, yoda speak
Nor for our bodies to be lain together in bed,
But of breaking down our walls and lying bare
Our hurt and pain and the hopes we shared,
With fond remembrances of our times
Having fun and our late night talks,
Scribbled to the tune of love song rhymes
Impassioned with you in my thoughts.

My thoughts:

I wonder if he’s gotten her a ring;
I wonder if she’ll invite me to the wedding. feels forced.

----

i'l like to see a few images. on either side of the poem, i think the idea of two peoples thought/actions in the same poem work well, what you have to do is make them believable. give them both some depth using images
i see others haver left a gamut of feedback and anything i say will just be to enforce much of what's already been stated. it's always refreshing to see poets who really do want to improve.

thanks for you're first poem

[ambustharp]

Thanks so much! I'm still working on various revised versions.